Dear Adam,

Today, you turn 17. Which is one of the top two worst ages to be.  17 because regardless of how independent you are, the law doesn’t agree, and 20 because that is what I call No Man’s Land.. you’re not a teenager, and yet you’re not legally an adult.. Also? You can’t buy alcohol on your own yet, so no matter how awesome the margaritas are that you make, you can’t do it without a little help.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure about writing this.  I have written a birthday post for you every year I’ve known you.  Your birthday has been in the back of my mind for the past two weeks, and I’ve struggled with Do I write it? Do I skip it? I was never really sure.  I thought about not writing it, I wasn’t sure you’d see it, clearly couldn’t know if you read it, and convinced it wouldn’t make a difference.  But I was afraid that if I didn’t it would be that last thing needed to start the zombie apocalypse, and I didn’t want to be responsible for the end of the world as we know it. So I wrote it, in part to save the world, and in part because what if, what if it did make a difference.

So I sit here today, on your 17th birthday, full of all kinds of conflicting thoughts.  So many things I could write here, regardless of if you read it or not.  I could wax poetically about how you’re on the verge of coming of age but really who the hell talks like that anymore?  Besides, have we ever had a serious moment in the 6 years I’ve known you?  Let’s see…

There was the time Grandpa was in the hospital and I met you at the house so we could go to the hospital and get Ashley.  To this day I still don’t understand why the truck wouldn’t start with the Thunderbird key.  And yet it didn’t.  We agreed your dad didn’t need to know, but apparently you crossed your fingers when you made that promise because you couldn’t wait to tell him once we got the right key and got on the road.  Thanks for ratting me out Buddy.

I still don’t get why your dad never understood the importance of squeegee-ing out the out building before we could even begin to start getting the fishing poles ready.  I mean clearly, don’t you have to have a clean work environment before you start work?  Sure… we were hosing down most of the floor, sure the squeegee was a hand-held one, he sure as hell didn’t appreciate our hard work or how clean the floor was.  That’s not our fault.

How many road trips have we taken to pick up or drop off the girls that I promised you a Rooster Booster?  Dad was never happy with us for that either.  Who could forget the road trip we saw this?

How many times did you wave at vehicles passing us? And then, when we stopped for gas…. there was one of the cars at the same gas station.

There have been hours spent playing xbox, when we played Indiana Jones you spent the entire game breaking things, and collecting coins while I saved the world.  None of that Hero Worship crap for you… you wanted the money.  How many times did you almost kill me with your guitar because you were rocking out too hard to Rockband?  And please tell me you have learned to make margaritas without splashing them in your eyes, and wasting perfectly good tequila.

Adam you’re 17 today.  I won’t go into what happened, beyond saying I am sorry.  I reacted, I didn’t think, and I was wrong.  I have, and will continue to respect your wishes, just like I have and will continue to love you as my own.  I sit behind the scenes, hearing of your achievements and I’m proud.  I heard of your wreck, and I cringed, and worried.  But today, today I celebrate you.  Happy birthday Scooter, I love you.

My future's so bright I gotta wear shades

The other day, I got an email from Cecily, asking me if I could do a review for her this week.  Something about she would worship at my feet if I could perform this miracle. I don’t remember the exact details.  So, you know, because I’m a giver, I agreed to check out PsychicSource.com for her.  In order to do this review I was given a free psychic reading.

Clearly, with everything that has happened in my life this past weekend? How could I pass up this opportunity?   I called the number given to me, entered the account information given to me and followed the prompts.  You can listen to the advisers introduce themselves, tell you about their experience and their rate per minute.

Rex was the first adviser’s introduction I heard. I’m sure he’s great at what he does, but at $6.75 per minute? I just wasn’t feeling it.

Rebecca’s rate per minute was $2.95.  I’m believe you get what you pay for, and I’m not sure I want to put my future in the hands of someone for $2.95 a minute.

I chose Jane.  At $4.15 per minute, it was a happy medium.  She seemed friendly fun in her introduction.  I don’t put much stock in psychic readings, so I wanted someone who would be fun and upbeat about  this whole experience.

I explained to Jane that this reading was a gift from a friend, I was not looking for any specific answers, just wanted to know what she saw in my future.  She asked for my first name and date of birth.

From that, she saw a very serious relationship coming my way, with the number 10 associated with it.  Either 10 days,  10 weeks,  or the 10th month of this year.  He won’t come on strong (you know because the ones that do, you have to watch out for them <–her words), I will meet him socially, not online.  He’s single (that’s a plus), available (again, a good thing) divorced (oh good, because wives tend to get really pissed off when I date their husbands). He’s got a job (that’s also a good thing) And two kids.  So, he’s not going to be Daddy Warbucks, with two kids and an ex-wife to support.

He’s fairly intelligent, he works with computers, possibly programming, but again, won’t meet him on-line.. I will meet him socially. (which is really helpful).  His name has either the letter L or M in his first or last name. (Or his middle name, or somewhere on his birth certificate…) I’ll feel very close and comfortable with him right away (read STALKER).

She asked if I had any questions, so I asked about the girls.  I gave her Tate’s name and date of birth. Jane said “Oh, she’s a smart girl!”  Because what psychic is going to tell you your kid is a little slow?  But she’s right, Tate is very smart.  Jane also said she would go into the medical field, become an oncologist.  When I mentioned that Tate’s grandmother worked in the cancer field Jane exclaimed “Oh My God that is so scary that what I’m seeing is that close to true” which kinda made me laugh.

I asked her about Newt, giving her Newt’s name and date of birth.  Newt will also be going into the medical field, the mental health field, along the lines of psycho-therapy.  As a patient or a doctor was not determined.

Jane was very perceptive, she heard the kittens running all over the place and asked about them.  I told her I don’t know their dates of birth so we can just skip their reading.

She said “The only real sorrow is the girls’ dad.  You know he loves and adores you, right? He’s very loyal to you. And still considers you his wife. ”  Yeah, that’s kinda awkward considering we’ve been divorced since 2004.  It also makes it awkward for the girlfriend he’s living with.  She asked his name and date of birth, and when I told her, she responded with “Oh he’s a stubborn one.” Yeah, explains that whole he still considers me his wife business.

Over all, it was a lot of fun.  A LOT of fun.  I would totally do it again, choosing a different adviser.  If you’d like a psychic reading go to PsychiSource.com and set up your account, or do a reading on-line.  It’s a blast.

My Mother's Day Wish-Hope-Prayer

My Mother’s Day Confession:

I am afraid my mental illness will keep me from being the mother my daughters deserve.

There.

I typed it.

One of my deepest fears.

I fear that no matter how hard I fight, no matter how hard I try to sheild them, my mental illness will scar them, will somehow effect them, hurt them, for life….

I am afraid that when they look back at their childhood they will only remember the tears, the rages, the mood swings, my desperate desire to escape the world and be alone.  That when they look back they will only see the illness and not how hard I fought to keep it from them.

I want them to know… I love them, I’m proud of them, they are my world, and I fight with everything in me to keep the demons in my head, in my head and away from them.

Please let me suceed.