That sucking sound you hear is just the end of my holidays going down the drain.

The holiday season is over.  Thank you very much Will Robinson. (I don’t know where the fuck that came from.  Anyone? Am I insane? Shut up.)  With the exception of New Year’s Eve, but I never celebrate that.  This year? Will be no exception. The past two weeks have not been easy or fun and it all came to a head last night. (Last night being tonight actually as I write this, but last night when I post it tomorrow. And tomorrow being Monday.  Caught up? Yes? Good.)

It’s Christmas time again, and I should have seen it coming. It happens every year.  It’s the curse of Santa Claus.  Or Christmas trees.  Or poinsettias.  Or maybe mistletoe.  No, it’s not the mistletoe, there’s never any of that around.  Maybe it’s the curse of wrapping paper?  Who knows?  Who cares?

What am I talking about?

Brian.

And me.

And us.

Or the fact that, well, it’s December, and it’s Christmas, and for those of you playing along at home know, that means, he dumped me.

Again.

It happens like clockwork, right around Christmas/New Years.  I should just break up with him on Black Friday, and call him again on Super Bowl Sunday.  Save a whole lot of money on gifts, and parties, and hopes, and wishes, and expectations.

And broken hearts.

I saw it coming.  For weeks now.  It really isn’t important.  When he finally maned up tonight and said “I’m just done” it wasn’t a surprise. Of course, my first thought (ok, maybe not my FIRST thought, but one of the ones early on) was I have so many readers on my blog and friends on Facebook, I can totally bash him all over the place and exact my revenge on-line.

And then?

I didn’t.

Because I had a conversation with his mother, after I talked to him, and she told me “I love you, and I love your girls.” and I know that she doesn’t throw that word around lightly.  And maybe there’s a little bit of respect in there too.  Either way, the relationship we have now has not come easy and it is far too precious to me to throw away.  Bashing him on-line would only destroy the love/respect his mother has for me and the girls.

So, I am taking the high road.

Ok, I’m staying out of the mud.

It took him all of 10 minutes to change his status on Facebook to single, and to change what he’s looking for to “women”.  The bed is barely cold from where I spent all day with him, and he’s already on the prowl. And maybe he did that because he knew I would look, and he just feels this need to hurt me.

Score one for him.

I aired some dirty laundry on Facebook a few weeks ago.  The comments got out of hand, and I knew it at the time.  And I should have stopped it, to prevent a fight. And yet, I didn’t.  Because I wanted him to hear me.  I wanted him to know what I had been trying to say to him.

But he didn’t hear me.

He hasn’t listened.

And that’s the most mud I’m going to sling in this whole big mess.

I can’t wrap my head around it right now.

In the midst of the problems we’ve been going through these past few months I have found friends I didn’t know I had.  I have girlfriends. The girls I work with were awesome and amazing at the Christmas party.  They offered up their sofa in the sitting area of their hotel suite so I could get my drink on and not have to drive home.  My girl AD never fails to remind me to pick up my awesomeness, brush it off, and let it shine all over the place.  My girl LD is the funniest, craziest, sweetest, touch-my-heart-make-me-love-her girlfriend ever.  She never lets me forget how amazing she thinks I am for being a single mom and raising my girls by myself.  My girl WW is always there to say “Fuck it let’s get a drink.”  Although we seldom do, sometimes just the thought is enough.  My girl JB, is always there to remind me how strong I really am. She’s always there with the rear view mirror telling me “Look how far you’ve come. Now just imagine how far you’ll go.”  My girl MM rocks my world, and she made me cry when she told me “Come spend the holidays with us.  We love you and we want you around.”  And my girl SK, well, how can you argue when she offers to buy you a drink or form the lynch mob?  Answer? Don’t bother arguing.

Even tonight, when I went and changed my relationship status on Facebook, (after all I look pretty stupid when my page says I’m in a relationship with Brian and his says Single.  Makes me look like a stalker or a nutjob who’s in an imaginary relationship with someone who doesn’t even know it.) people commented on it.  People I didn’t expect would see it. People who’s friendship I am grateful for.

That sucking noise you hear?  That’s the end of 2010.  That bright shining light on the horizon?

That would be my awesomeness.

I need a lost and found for my life except that I'd probably lose that too.

It has been one of those weeks.  I don’t even know where to begin.  I guess I can start with the obvious.  For those of you who have been here before you will find that things look a little different now.  There is significantly less content here because a plugin update ate my entire blog and devoured my entire history.

I only wish I was kidding.  So, as far as this blog is concerned, nothing happened before today.  I have lost the past 18 months of my  life here.  The themes were intact.  The pluggins were intact (including that #@*&$^ one that ate all my posts!)  But everything I’ve ever written here is gone. POOF!

It shouldn’t surprise me.  This was just one more thing on a list of things I had lost this week.    Let’s go back to the beginning shall we?  I mean, it’s not far to go. Look! We’re already here.

Let’s start off with a few basic facts.

1. The economy sucks. Really sucks.  Like a lot.
2. I was not included in any of the multi billion dollar bail outs.  Not even a dime.
3. I have an ex husband who hasn’t paid me any child support since August 20, 2008.

There’s no good place to start this.  I mean, the economy sucks, and money is tight, and well, it’s been a struggle for me.  I’ve cut out everything but necessities trying to make ends meet.  I’ve robbed Peter to pay Paul.  I’ve gone without lunch so the girls can have dinner.  BLah blah blah… and yet, it was never enough.   In fact Monday I asked Brian if I could drive his car (because it had gas in it and mine didn’t and I had $10 to payday.. Tuesday).

In the struggle I got behind on my car payment.  My new (preowned) car that I’ve had for 15 months.  I paid the rent, paid the electric, bought food, and gas and did what I had to to get by but the car payments suffered.  Monday they came to work to repo the car.  (Thank god it was at Brian’s).  I cashed in all my unused vacation and used that money to make the payment that I thought/hoped would save the car.  I was wrong.  They took the money, no problem, but they took my car too.  Hell if I had known that I wouldn’t have cashed in all my vacation to make that payment.  So, now I’ve lost my car.  Lost all of my paid vacation until June 2011.  And lost the money I got from cashing in my vacation.  Lost. Lost. Lost.

In the midst of all of this or because of all of this Brian and I have been struggling this week.  It has not been pretty at all.  I stopped wearing makeup to work because I figured what’s the point? I’m just going to cry it all off by noon anyway.

The kicker of this is… that child support I mentioned before?  Yeah, you know that child support I’m not getting paid.  The child support the state doesn’t seem to concerned with getting from him?  It was just enough to make the car payment.  It would have covered the car payment for me.  So, yes, while I struggled and juggled and stretched and sacrificed to make ends meet, I still lay a good portion of the blame for this mess squarely at his irresponsible dead beat feet.

And then just when I figured I had given it all up as lost and there was precious little left to lose, I was proven wrong yet again this morning.  Earlier this week I had gone in to automatically update my plugins.  I’ve done this countless of times before without problems.  Not this time.  I updated one pluggin and *poof* my entire dashboard for my blog ceased to exist.  In the process of trying to find it and restore it, my entire blog history was erased.  The construction (themes/pluggins) was intact, but the content?  Gone.  It’s like I haven’t blogged here for the past 2 years.  This is initially my very first blog post on this blog, even though I know that’s not true.

But the absolute utter worst part of this whole entire fiasco?  Along with my car, along with my vacation, along with my blog content, I’ve managed to lose my appetite too.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  That worst is, that I’ve lost all these other things, including my appetite and my desire to eat anything, and I haven’t been able to lose a single pound of fat.