Dating? Who me? Have you met me?

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

I am doing ok.  That’s not a surprise.  I knew I would be ok.  Some days are easier than others.  Some days I breeze right through.  Others?  I fall apart.  I hate to admit that.  I hate to admit that he can still grab my heart and squeeze.  I hate to admit there are still tears being shed over him.  It makes me sound weak.  I hate that he can still get to me, when (from where I’m sitting) he doesn’t waste a single minute/thought on me.

I was going to marry him.  I was no longer “Dad’s Girlfriend” to his kids, I was “the best step-mom in the world”.  In the blink of an eye, a single text message, all that changed.

Gone.

And now, I have to find my way.  I not only lost my boyfriend, I lost two step-kids, I lost a mother-in-law, I lost friends and family.

And I’m supposed to be ok.

I am.  A lot of the time.

But now and then?

Not so much.

Dating.  People think I need to start dating again.  I can’t wrap my mind around that.  Dating.  I had already decided I would never have to date again.

Now?

It’s not for me.

I can’t imagine meeting a new guy.  I don’t have time.  I mean, my girls live with me, and go to their dad’s every other weekend.  So I am only available to go on a date every other Saturday.  26 dates in a year.  Hardly worth it. Unless you’re the kind of guy who’s up for a mostly email/on-line relationship.  Then?  I’m totally your girl.

I just can’t imagine putting myself out there again.  I tried.  I believed.  I had hopes, dreams,  plans, a future, a life, family.  Now?  It’s just me and the girls.

And I’m ok with that.