Changing my mind set in the dating game

This dating business?

Sucks.

Seriously.  I know why we do this crap when we’re younger.

Because we can.

Because when we’re young, and the guy turns out to be a douchenozzle, or he blows you off, or stands you up, or disappears, or lied on his profile, or the date just sucks we truly believe “Heh, he’s the problem. Not me.”

Now that I’m older, and dating again?

Not so easy to sell myself that same bullshit. Even if it isn’t bullshit.

I haven’t blogged about it, but I’ve made no secret of it on Twitter, that a few weeks (months? really? has it been that long?) I went back to the dating website where I met Brian.  (What? It’s free!)  I’m not looking for my Prince Charming. He won’t be fishing anyway.  But it would be nice to have someone to hang out with so I don’t spend all my weekends at home alone.  Or out on the town alone.  Or drive my friends bat-shit crazy begging them to entertain me.

I made a few quick changes to my profile, added a new picture, and waited without any real expectations.  I didn’t wait long.  Hello?!? New fish in the sea, fresh meat. Everyone’s coming out to check out the new chick.  (Even a couple of girls. WOOt! Everyone wants a piece of me!) A lot of young guys, looking to hook up (ignore), a lot of ain’t-no-way-in-hell guys looking way out of their league (ignore), a few I talked to, but just didn’t feel any real need or want to talk to them on the phone or in person, and a couple I actually talked to on the phone, and a couple I actually met.

One guy in particular had some potential.  His profile had the same sense of humor I have.  I got it. I thought he gets it.  We exchanged a few messages, and then phone numbers.  Our first phone conversation was an hour long.  He’s on Twitter and Facebook (no I never went looking for him).  We exchanged real-life email addresses and emails and a few more phone calls… and then?

Gone.

Radio Silent.

His profile said “I’m taking a break. Good luck to all of you still fishing.”

But nothing to me. No phone call, no email. no text message.

I am not heartbroken over this. I figure this is part of the game.  Maybe he found someone he really connected with.  I wish him the best of luck, truly. But couldn’t he have told me that instead of falling off the face of the earth?

Or maybe he was abducted by aliens.

Or, when he got my real-life email address, he looked at my google profile, which links to my Twitter, Facebook, here, my review blog, and well, from there? It’s just follow the flashing neon lights to find out way more about me than you ever dreamed you wanted to know.

Of course, I figured, *that* had to be it.  That had to be the reason why he fell (or jumped) off the face of the earth.  He read my blog, he found my Facebook page, and my Flickr account, and everything else I have on line…

And ran scared.

Or jumped.

It took a little bit for me to realize how destructive that line of thinking was.  So what if he ran (or jumped) because of what he found?  What he found is a version of me.  Sometimes a cartoon version of me, but still… a version of me.  If he couldn’t handle it, didn’t like it, or was intimidated (yeah, that’s what it was… intimidation) he’s not the right guy.

I was all this on-line with Brian…oh wait, bad example.  That didn’t work out.

Ok, I have a lot of friends who know me in real life, and know the me that is on line and they like both versions of me.  But when push came to shove, when things fizzled, my first thought was “What was wrong with ME?” and it should have been “What the hell is wrong with him?” or “Oh, well, he just doesn’t get me.  Next!”

I had a date this weekend.  With a guy. Saturday night.  And I didn’t drink any alcohol.  (thanks Petron) The date? Almost perfect.  All on my own.  Without my best friend tequila.  And if this one doesn’t work out either?

I’ll be batting about average.

How it all began

He showed up for our first date 4 minutes late.

He had seen me across the store when he tagged along with his brother one day.  He noticed me again as I sat in the truck with his sister-in-law.  He asked her to ask me out for him.

I had nothing better to do.

The guy I was ‘seeing’ had a wife who wasn’t too hip to the idea of sharing him with me. (I’m not overly proud of that)

My divorce from C1 had been final 4 months.  Just barely.

We went out to dinner.  He didn’t even know how to get to the restaurant.   He went the wrong way.  I had to give him directions.

We barely spoke during dinner.  He was busy eating. I was feeling awkward and wondering “What am I doing here?”  We had nothing in common.  We didn’t even know each other.  I worked with his sister-in-law.  That was it.

We went to his brother’s house afterwards to watch movies.

He took me home.  And stayed to talk.

And stayed.

And stayed.

At 4:30 I finally had to send him home.  He would have never left otherwise.

He knocked on my door at 6:30 the next morning.  “I just had to see you before I went to work today.”  Sweet in that creepy stalkerish kind of way.

He was back that afternoon, on his way home.  At home he showered and came back over.

It continued this way for days, weeks.  Until he was just there.  All the time.

A part of me was starved for affection and attention and reveled in this.  Nobody had ever wanted to be with me all the time. Nobody ever paid that much attention to me.

The saner part of me screamed “You don’t love him! This is wrong wrong wrong.”

I didn’t love him.

And I didn’t open my mouth and stop him either.

I let him stay.

Because I wanted to be nice. Because I didn’t want to hurt him. Because I was being told ‘You could do a whole lot worse.’

I wonder if they would say that now?

I met his parents a week later.  I knew I didn’t belong.  I was sure they could see I didn’t love him.  I played along anyway.  I did what was expected.  I kept quiet.

A month later he moved in with me.  Even when the voice of sanity raged in my head ‘This is so wrong!’ I moved him in with me.

When his mother threw a fit, I defended him.  When she accused me of manipulating him and stealing him away I told her if I had wanted to trap someone I would trap someone worth trapping.

Even when I knew this was not what I wanted, I ignored my voice of reason and went ahead with what they wanted.  Because they said ‘You could do worse”.

I had my doubts.

I was right.

I knew, in my heart, that I could never love him the way he thought I should.  I knew I could never love him as much as I should have. I knew it was wrong from the beginning.  I knew it was not what I wanted.

What I didn’t know was how to open my mouth and stop the merry go round so I could get off.  I didn’t know how to stop the avalanche that was quickly taking over my life.

When he first told me “I love you”, all I could think was “But I don’t love you”.  One time he said “I love you” and without thinking, I said “I love you too”.  A conditioned and reflex reaction.  I didn’t mean it.  But once out there, you can’t take it back.  Once said, it’s expected.

So I lied.

Convincingly, but I lied none the less.

I lied for so long it became impossible to get out. I lied myself right into a trap.  I had trapped someone alright.

I had trapped myself.