I only judge myself, I am not judging you

“My Love Hate Relationship with My Body” series Part 1 and Part 2

I have written about my body image and my fucked up view of my weight.  I want to make some things very clear.  When I stood on that scale and it said 160, to me I was fat.  Very fat.  Horribly unhappily fat.  I want it very clear that the only person I judge is me.  If you weigh 160 I do not in any way think you’re fat.  Miss Banshee, in her Weight of the World post, put it perfectly when she said “To me, everyone else, EVERYONE else looks…right. The way they’re supposed to. Whatever weight they are. Perfectly normal and fine. Everyone but the image in the mirror. That one’s a freak”

Body dysmorphic disorder. My sister has admitted to having serious body image issues to some degree.  I will admit to having this same disorder to the Nth degree.  I don’t know where either of us get it.  (In an email to me, when I asked her this question, she is able to explain to me exactly why she feels this way.  I wish I was so self aware and insightful.) I don’t remember specific incidents that would have cause it. I remember, when I was a teen, wearing the latest fashion, which was short shorts (like up to my hoo-ha short) and half shirts.  Bare mid-drifts were the fashion in the 80’s.  (thanks Madonna)  And like most teen girls just discovering their sexuality and the power their bodies have over the boys, I dressed to show off the most skin.  My Dad didn’t like it.  What father would?  Compound that with the fact that he was a preacher, and had an image to maintain, I was an embarrassment.  I probably should have been embarrassed if I had any common sense.  But even then, the comments he did make were more about the fact that even when I was dressed, I wasn’t really dressed.  It never had to do with my body.

From the day I sat in the bathtub beside my BFTS Debbie, I have hated my thighs.  I haven’t always acted on that hate, but I have always thought my thighs were too big.  Ever since my high school friend commented on my flat stomach, I have been hyper aware of my stomach.  There were many nights I would lay in bed and if my hip bones didn’t protrude above my stomach by 2 inches, I worried.  If my stomach wasn’t hollowed out, I would worry I was getting fat.

My body turned 40 a couple of years ago.  And with that momentous birthday came a changing of the guard.  The weight that was all too easy to pack on thanks to cheesecake, margaritas, and pasta three nights a week, now stubbornly clings and refuses to budge or leave.  That’s not true.  The first 30 fell away pretty easily once I eliminated the cheesecake, the artery clogging Sunday morning brunches, Saturday afternoon lunches at Applebee’s, and the weekends full of margaritas or rum and coke.  Add to that the stress of the break-up, and it’s surprising 30 pounds is all I lost.  It should have been more.

But here I am, still not happy with the image in the mirror. Summer is right outside my door, and right now none of my shorts or skirts fit. But, I am determined I will not spend this summer in jeans and a frumpy old woman’s swimsuit.  This time? I’m going to do something about it.  The right way.

Changing my mind set in the dating game

This dating business?

Sucks.

Seriously.  I know why we do this crap when we’re younger.

Because we can.

Because when we’re young, and the guy turns out to be a douchenozzle, or he blows you off, or stands you up, or disappears, or lied on his profile, or the date just sucks we truly believe “Heh, he’s the problem. Not me.”

Now that I’m older, and dating again?

Not so easy to sell myself that same bullshit. Even if it isn’t bullshit.

I haven’t blogged about it, but I’ve made no secret of it on Twitter, that a few weeks (months? really? has it been that long?) I went back to the dating website where I met Brian.  (What? It’s free!)  I’m not looking for my Prince Charming. He won’t be fishing anyway.  But it would be nice to have someone to hang out with so I don’t spend all my weekends at home alone.  Or out on the town alone.  Or drive my friends bat-shit crazy begging them to entertain me.

I made a few quick changes to my profile, added a new picture, and waited without any real expectations.  I didn’t wait long.  Hello?!? New fish in the sea, fresh meat. Everyone’s coming out to check out the new chick.  (Even a couple of girls. WOOt! Everyone wants a piece of me!) A lot of young guys, looking to hook up (ignore), a lot of ain’t-no-way-in-hell guys looking way out of their league (ignore), a few I talked to, but just didn’t feel any real need or want to talk to them on the phone or in person, and a couple I actually talked to on the phone, and a couple I actually met.

One guy in particular had some potential.  His profile had the same sense of humor I have.  I got it. I thought he gets it.  We exchanged a few messages, and then phone numbers.  Our first phone conversation was an hour long.  He’s on Twitter and Facebook (no I never went looking for him).  We exchanged real-life email addresses and emails and a few more phone calls… and then?

Gone.

Radio Silent.

His profile said “I’m taking a break. Good luck to all of you still fishing.”

But nothing to me. No phone call, no email. no text message.

I am not heartbroken over this. I figure this is part of the game.  Maybe he found someone he really connected with.  I wish him the best of luck, truly. But couldn’t he have told me that instead of falling off the face of the earth?

Or maybe he was abducted by aliens.

Or, when he got my real-life email address, he looked at my google profile, which links to my Twitter, Facebook, here, my review blog, and well, from there? It’s just follow the flashing neon lights to find out way more about me than you ever dreamed you wanted to know.

Of course, I figured, *that* had to be it.  That had to be the reason why he fell (or jumped) off the face of the earth.  He read my blog, he found my Facebook page, and my Flickr account, and everything else I have on line…

And ran scared.

Or jumped.

It took a little bit for me to realize how destructive that line of thinking was.  So what if he ran (or jumped) because of what he found?  What he found is a version of me.  Sometimes a cartoon version of me, but still… a version of me.  If he couldn’t handle it, didn’t like it, or was intimidated (yeah, that’s what it was… intimidation) he’s not the right guy.

I was all this on-line with Brian…oh wait, bad example.  That didn’t work out.

Ok, I have a lot of friends who know me in real life, and know the me that is on line and they like both versions of me.  But when push came to shove, when things fizzled, my first thought was “What was wrong with ME?” and it should have been “What the hell is wrong with him?” or “Oh, well, he just doesn’t get me.  Next!”

I had a date this weekend.  With a guy. Saturday night.  And I didn’t drink any alcohol.  (thanks Petron) The date? Almost perfect.  All on my own.  Without my best friend tequila.  And if this one doesn’t work out either?

I’ll be batting about average.

My Inner Awesome

I took a 48 hour blog/internet hiatus.  I needed a break.  When you put your life out there on display, it makes it easy to be found.  When you connect with people on so many levels (Facebook, Twitter, blogs, email, IM, texts) it makes it easy to keep track of them (and them you) whether you want to or not.  I needed to step away, and take a breath, and get back to center.

It has been 10 days now since Brian broke up with me.  For the most part I’ve held it together, I haven’t completely lost my shit.  Well, except for yesterday, but it was time I cried a really good cry.  Unfortunately I did it at work… so uh awkward.  But I got up this morning and decided two things.  1. I need a new on-line identity, that is mine, just mine, and not tied to anyone else.  and 2. I need to find my Inner Awesome again.

I have been Ms. Batman on-line for three years now, on the hope that someday I would be MRS. Batman.  That was all fine and dandy when Brian was still Batman, and I was still dreaming of white dresses, diamond rings and happily ever after.  Welcome to today, where Brian is just Brian, and our happily ever after ended December 26th.  I have spent the last year working to create a name, a brand in Ms. Batman, but well, I can spend longer creating a name/brand as myself.

Britt is right.  I do need to change my pseudonym.  When I asked her for suggestions she said “I personally like BeckyHood.”  It’s simple, it’s easy to remember, it’s exactly who I am, and I don’t ever have to change it, no matter how many horrible, terrible, no good, very necessary breaks up (God forbid) I go through.

The domain for this blog is due for renewal in a couple of weeks too.  I am not going to be changing it.  I have owned www.msbatman.com for three years now, and I can’t even begin to consider the headache it would cause me to buy a new domain (I mean trying to come up with one would take me months at best) and move everything from here to there, and then go about tracking down all the places far and wide I have spread myself all over this internet and change all my links and damn I need a drink just thinking about it.  I’ll keep the domain, and the URL.  It’s not that big of a deal.  Clearly.

So, a new pseudonym.  Or maybe not. Maybe I’ll just go with my real name.  Something to think about.  I am open to suggestions.

Next on my list: Finding my Inner Awesome.  Sara over at I run with scissors wrote a great series on Finding your Inner Awesome.  (part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6) I have an amazing group of friends.  Both here on line and IRL.  Friends I didn’t realize were friends.  I mean, we work together, so yeah, we’re work buddies, and since I live so far away from work (at least an hour) I don’t get to hang out with them after work.  But when I found myself single, and broken hearted, they all gathered around and offered support and encouragement.  They have been wonderful reminding me how awesome I am.  I don’t mean that to sound stuck up.  I mean, when all I could see was “He dumped me!”  they were there with “Hey Bitch, you bought your girls laptops for Christmas.  You are a totally awesome mom!” and “Honey, please. You have a rockin new house to live in, and your girls are amazing and you are awesome for being a single parent.”

I got comments here, on Facebook, and on Twitter reminding me that I was am amazing and awesome and that I have come a long way in the past year and this little speed bump isn’t going to slow me down.  I have had all kinds of support from everyone and I can’t begin to put into words all that it means to me, and how helpful your words of support and encouragement have been.  There are times they have been the difference between laughter and tears.  So, thank you.  Thank you. Thank you.  I just need to find my inner awesome again.  I need to be reminded that I am awesome, no matter that he doesn’t think so, he’s not the end all deciding factor on my awesomeness.

I am.

Questions of my heart

It’s very hard, when you put so much of your relationship on-line, when it all goes bad, to deal with the break up in the public eye.

I know that I don’t have to put anything on line about the break up.  Except that right after he broke up with me (via text, no less) he changed his relationship status on FB, therefore forcing my hand, and I had to acknowledge it.

And because I love(d) him, I asked that the bashing of him stop.  He (along with his son, our friends, his family) would see all that you wrote to me on my FB wall, in the comments.  And yes, I understand and appreciate your sentiments; I knew it would be better for everyone involved, in real life at least, if the bashing of him didn’t happen in public.

Keeping true to that has, at times, been difficult.

There have been days that I have sat down to write a scathing blog post reciting chapter and verse everything he did that pissed me off.  Maybe not at the time, but now, looking back pissed me off.  Just because being pissed off is much easier.  All those feelings, all that passion I felt for him, doesn’t just go away, doesn’t just turn itself off.  So, instead of channeling that passion into love, it’s easier, safer, and less painful to channel it into anger.

But it’s not fair to him.

Or his son.

Or our friends.

Or his family.

They did nothing wrong, and they don’t deserve to be caught in the cross fire, and don’t need to see this battle waged on the pages of the internet.

Brian wouldn’t wage it online anyway.

He would call me, or text me, or just turn his back and turn off my phone, and go quietly away in the middle of the night.

It’s hard to find other things to write about when your heart wants to pour itself out all over the place all the time.  It’s hard to sit down and write about something, anything else, besides the break up.

There are more than a few people I know, based on our history, think that this is just a phase for him.  That in a few weeks, he’ll miss me, he’ll come around, he’ll want to reconcile.

I’m not so sure.  Some days, I would agree with them. Other days? Not on your life.

Today?

One of those days without hope.

No, that’s not true.  Every day is full of hope.  Just today, there is no hope of any sort of reconciliation.

I’m ok with that.

And see, that’s where I am.

Taking this time (however long, or short) away from him, to figure out where I am, where I want to be, how to get there.

And most importantly, what being “there” (where ever there is) looks and feels like.

Do I want him along for the journey?

Do I want to take him on that journey with me?

Do I dig down deep inside me, in a place I have never found, but I’m sure is there, and find the strength and courage to say “I love you, more than you know, but it’s time we stop hurting each other.”

Or is that taking the easy way out?  Walking away without talking about our problems and trying to find a solution?

Or is this the solution?

Reviewing and Resoluting

And yes, according to Ali Martel, resoluting is to in fact a word. A word that she made up. And now, I am borrowing it.

I started typing this post with 3.5 hours left in 2010, but then the neighbor’s daughter (she’s 10) came over and said “We’re partying!! Come over!!”.  The girls and I (and a bottle of wine. Like the first bottle of wine I have ever bought for myself because I don’t know wine.  I know tequila.) went across the sidewalk and brought in the New Year with new friends.  She is going to make being single so much easier.  ThankyouElmo.

So, back to the reviewing and resoluting.

2010 was a year sort of like any other year.  It had 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days.  Some days were slow, boring, yawn worthy.  Others full of excitement and laughter and zeal (does anyone use that word anymore? Did anyone ever? And why am I?)

In April, Brian mentioned THE RING.  I believed him then.  We all know how that turned out.

In July I put another year between me and 40.

Over the course of the year I vented out of the day-in-the-life-of-me style of writing and actually wrote a few posts in which I voiced an opinion about things going on in the world around me.  I like to say I am an idiot when it comes to politics and I’m not afraid to show it.

In October, I revealed why my summer mostly sucked.

Also in October?  I realized a dream of mine.  I, along with a group of amazing other women bloggers, became contributors at Buy-Her.com. My first review was well received and getting to write with my friend Britt, is well, a dream come true for me.

In November I moved out of the hell hole the girls and I had been living in, into a great new duplex that I am totally in love with and not embarrassed by at all.

From Thanksgiving on, my life seemed to be in full on free fall mode.  While one area of my life was thriving and improving and giving me hope, other areas of my life were falling apart and I was helpless to stop them.

So, today, I woke up in my own bed, (which is rare for me on weekends because we have always spent our weekends at Brian’s house. And now? I get to spend them at my house) in my house.  The start of a new year.  Not a do over, because you can’t undo what has already been done.  But a chance to regroup, and refocus.

And that refocusing and regrouping?  That’s where the resoluting comes in.

In 2011, I want to have more of a presence on line.  I am a self proclaimed attention whore, and well, I am going to write more.  I am going to pick up my camera more, I am going to explore me and the world around me more.

Today I have an overwhelming nesting instinct, to clean up this house, to finally get everything put away, all the pictures hung, and make it a real home, and not just a place we stay during the week.  Because obviously.

I am going to explore me, I am going to figure out where I stand on issues, what I think, voice my own opinions instead of parroting someone else’s, or keeping my mouth shut because I disagree with someone.

I am going to stretch my boundaries, I am going to step outside my comfort zone.  I am going to introduce myself to myself and get to know me a little better.

And I’m going to take all of you along for the ride.