Questions of my heart

It’s very hard, when you put so much of your relationship on-line, when it all goes bad, to deal with the break up in the public eye.

I know that I don’t have to put anything on line about the break up.  Except that right after he broke up with me (via text, no less) he changed his relationship status on FB, therefore forcing my hand, and I had to acknowledge it.

And because I love(d) him, I asked that the bashing of him stop.  He (along with his son, our friends, his family) would see all that you wrote to me on my FB wall, in the comments.  And yes, I understand and appreciate your sentiments; I knew it would be better for everyone involved, in real life at least, if the bashing of him didn’t happen in public.

Keeping true to that has, at times, been difficult.

There have been days that I have sat down to write a scathing blog post reciting chapter and verse everything he did that pissed me off.  Maybe not at the time, but now, looking back pissed me off.  Just because being pissed off is much easier.  All those feelings, all that passion I felt for him, doesn’t just go away, doesn’t just turn itself off.  So, instead of channeling that passion into love, it’s easier, safer, and less painful to channel it into anger.

But it’s not fair to him.

Or his son.

Or our friends.

Or his family.

They did nothing wrong, and they don’t deserve to be caught in the cross fire, and don’t need to see this battle waged on the pages of the internet.

Brian wouldn’t wage it online anyway.

He would call me, or text me, or just turn his back and turn off my phone, and go quietly away in the middle of the night.

It’s hard to find other things to write about when your heart wants to pour itself out all over the place all the time.  It’s hard to sit down and write about something, anything else, besides the break up.

There are more than a few people I know, based on our history, think that this is just a phase for him.  That in a few weeks, he’ll miss me, he’ll come around, he’ll want to reconcile.

I’m not so sure.  Some days, I would agree with them. Other days? Not on your life.

Today?

One of those days without hope.

No, that’s not true.  Every day is full of hope.  Just today, there is no hope of any sort of reconciliation.

I’m ok with that.

And see, that’s where I am.

Taking this time (however long, or short) away from him, to figure out where I am, where I want to be, how to get there.

And most importantly, what being “there” (where ever there is) looks and feels like.

Do I want him along for the journey?

Do I want to take him on that journey with me?

Do I dig down deep inside me, in a place I have never found, but I’m sure is there, and find the strength and courage to say “I love you, more than you know, but it’s time we stop hurting each other.”

Or is that taking the easy way out?  Walking away without talking about our problems and trying to find a solution?

Or is this the solution?

Bankrupt

Yesterday I hit my brick wall.  Yesterday it took everything I had to get up and face the world and the people in it.

For weeks now, it seems, everyone in my life, personal, professional, everyone I had contact with wanted/needed something from me.  There was a long line standing in front of me with their hands outstretched, laundry lists in hands of wants and needs they had that they expected me to meet. Not a one of them had anything to give me in return.

My emotional, physical, financial bank accounts?  Empty.  There just was nothing left of me to give.  I couldn’t muster up the energy to give a damn about anyone else’s needs or wants.  I’d spent far too long meeting theirs and ignoring mine and I was bankrupt.

Every request was met with my mind screaming FUCK YOU! even though I did my best to function and meet their needs YET AGAIN knowing there would be nothing given back in return.  Not a thank you. Not a smile, not a pat on the back, not a break, not an option.

Last night I splurged (to ease my guilt) and bought dinner for the girls. Took it home, asked them to clean up their mess when they were done, and I went and crawled into bed and shut out the world.  I had nothing left.  at 7:30 I was in bed and as far as I was concerned the world ended at the edge of my bed.  I pulled the covers up to my chin and drifted away to where nobody wanted anything from me.  That I could do.  That I could give.

Today is better.  Today I can find the words to say “Enough is enough. I can’t do/give that right now.”  Today I have the words to say ‘I need this from you.”  Words I had forgotten/refused to use in the past, I am finding I have to use today.

It will take a few more days to get back to my usual self but I’ll get there.  I will do what I can for you, I will give what I can, but understand it won’t be everything.  I just can’t do that any more.

I need a lost and found for my life except that I'd probably lose that too.

It has been one of those weeks.  I don’t even know where to begin.  I guess I can start with the obvious.  For those of you who have been here before you will find that things look a little different now.  There is significantly less content here because a plugin update ate my entire blog and devoured my entire history.

I only wish I was kidding.  So, as far as this blog is concerned, nothing happened before today.  I have lost the past 18 months of my  life here.  The themes were intact.  The pluggins were intact (including that #@*&$^ one that ate all my posts!)  But everything I’ve ever written here is gone. POOF!

It shouldn’t surprise me.  This was just one more thing on a list of things I had lost this week.    Let’s go back to the beginning shall we?  I mean, it’s not far to go. Look! We’re already here.

Let’s start off with a few basic facts.

1. The economy sucks. Really sucks.  Like a lot.
2. I was not included in any of the multi billion dollar bail outs.  Not even a dime.
3. I have an ex husband who hasn’t paid me any child support since August 20, 2008.

There’s no good place to start this.  I mean, the economy sucks, and money is tight, and well, it’s been a struggle for me.  I’ve cut out everything but necessities trying to make ends meet.  I’ve robbed Peter to pay Paul.  I’ve gone without lunch so the girls can have dinner.  BLah blah blah… and yet, it was never enough.   In fact Monday I asked Brian if I could drive his car (because it had gas in it and mine didn’t and I had $10 to payday.. Tuesday).

In the struggle I got behind on my car payment.  My new (preowned) car that I’ve had for 15 months.  I paid the rent, paid the electric, bought food, and gas and did what I had to to get by but the car payments suffered.  Monday they came to work to repo the car.  (Thank god it was at Brian’s).  I cashed in all my unused vacation and used that money to make the payment that I thought/hoped would save the car.  I was wrong.  They took the money, no problem, but they took my car too.  Hell if I had known that I wouldn’t have cashed in all my vacation to make that payment.  So, now I’ve lost my car.  Lost all of my paid vacation until June 2011.  And lost the money I got from cashing in my vacation.  Lost. Lost. Lost.

In the midst of all of this or because of all of this Brian and I have been struggling this week.  It has not been pretty at all.  I stopped wearing makeup to work because I figured what’s the point? I’m just going to cry it all off by noon anyway.

The kicker of this is… that child support I mentioned before?  Yeah, you know that child support I’m not getting paid.  The child support the state doesn’t seem to concerned with getting from him?  It was just enough to make the car payment.  It would have covered the car payment for me.  So, yes, while I struggled and juggled and stretched and sacrificed to make ends meet, I still lay a good portion of the blame for this mess squarely at his irresponsible dead beat feet.

And then just when I figured I had given it all up as lost and there was precious little left to lose, I was proven wrong yet again this morning.  Earlier this week I had gone in to automatically update my plugins.  I’ve done this countless of times before without problems.  Not this time.  I updated one pluggin and *poof* my entire dashboard for my blog ceased to exist.  In the process of trying to find it and restore it, my entire blog history was erased.  The construction (themes/pluggins) was intact, but the content?  Gone.  It’s like I haven’t blogged here for the past 2 years.  This is initially my very first blog post on this blog, even though I know that’s not true.

But the absolute utter worst part of this whole entire fiasco?  Along with my car, along with my vacation, along with my blog content, I’ve managed to lose my appetite too.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  That worst is, that I’ve lost all these other things, including my appetite and my desire to eat anything, and I haven’t been able to lose a single pound of fat.