My 'This Shit Ain't Happening' List

Once Upon a Time, Morgan Freeman made a movie, because, well that’s what Morgan Freeman does.  And in this movie there was another actor who’s name was pretty well known, but when you’re in a movie with Morgan Freeman, nobody remembers you, even if you are Jack Nicholson, because well… Morgan Freeman.  And so, it came to pass that The Bucket List should get made, and make a few pennies, and start a crazy “Let’s Make A List of Our Own” craze across the nation.  And all the obsessive compulsive people who basically spend their lives making lists and crossing things off of lists and makings lists of lists, rejoiced because finally the world got it and they weren’t the crazy ones anymore.  And then, because there isn’t a fad in the world picked up from movies that can’t be turned into a good blog posts, the blogging world exploded with Bucket List posts too.  Because hello?!?! Morgan Freeman.

So, I set down to write my own bucket list, because hello!?!? not jail.  Then the thought occurred to me, Bucket Lists are great in theory; here’s a list of things I would like to do, places I would like to go, before I die.  The reality of bucket lists are, here is a list of things I would like to do, places I would like to see but will never get to due to, money, kids, jobs, tubal ligations (Having Johnny Depp’s baby was on my list, you see) and restraining orders (see previous reason).  What the hell kind of fun is there in making a list of dreams that will never come true.  That’s putting a picture of a million dollars on your bathroom mirror as a daily reminder that you are poor house broke.

Turns out, Shauna Glenn, made a kind of reverse bucket list on her blog.  So, without Morgan Freeman, because, hello!?!? He’s Morgan Freeman, I give you my Ain’t No Fucking Way list.

Mountain Climbing. I can not for the life of me find any logical reason for anyone to climb up the side of a mountain. First of all, hello!? Mountain. Second, they wear such ugly shoes.  Third, they’re hanging by a rope that somebody had to anchor to the mountain above them.  What if that person is pissed off?  What if they have ADHD and a bird flies by?  And fourth, why climb up the side of a mountain when really there is nothing waiting for you at the top?  Just lie and say you did. And if someone asks for pictures? I’m sure you can find some on the internet.

Perform on Stage. I can play RockBand, in the privacy of Brian’s house, with family and only a few friends around to witness it.  I play the bass guitar. Know why? Because I can stand in the back and nobody really gives a shit about the bass player.  I can sing well enough to sing to the radio in my car, or score in the 90’s on RockBand, but that’s it.  I am a photographer because I belong behind the camera, and I blog because I belong behind the computer screen.

Write a book. Ok this one is kind of iffy.  I was convinced I could never write a book.  I mean, I can’t get 1000 page views a week here, the closest I’ve come was 785, and that was the week I got out of jail.  See what kind of drastic measures I have to take to get readers?  So, writing a book was on my list of things I’d never do.  But now I have to question that, because 50 Shades of Grey is the Lindsay Lohan of literature and that series makes up the top 20% of book sales in America.  If that train wreck can sell millions, I just might stand a chance.

Hunt for Bigfoot the sasquatch, not the big ass redneck truck.  There are people within a 100 mile radius of my home that believe Bigfoot exists and that they are just the people to hunt them down and bring them in.  And by them, I mean the whole Bigfoot tribe (Herd?) You know, because 1 isn’t enough,  you need a whole group in order to make your discovery legitimate.  So, while it’s fun to listen to their stories, I’m not suiting up to hunt these… whatever they are.. down.

Run for Public Office. This ranks right up there, and could possibly be combined with Perform on Stage.  I have no desire to run for public office.  That means I would be in charge of things, or worse yet, people.  I’m already in charge of 2 people besides myself and well, the verdict is still out on how well I’m doing with our three lives. There is no way any sane person would entrust me to being in charge of anything that effects so many people’s daily lives.  Unless it means managing a McDonald’s; I might be able to do that.

Join the military.  Jail sucked. I made the most of it, but it sucked.  For 23 days, my life was at the hand of someone else.  They said when I could eat, they said when I could socialize, they said what I watched on television, they said what I wore. I imagine the military is some variation of that.  Also, I have a real problem with authority.  My first husband was in the Air Force (Aim High) and tried to talk me into joining.  He said that because I had a college degree I could go in as an officer.  I told him it would really be unfair to him for me to outrank him at home and at work.

Drive a Lamborghini. Or a Maserati.  I am no stranger to the car world. I have worked at car dealerships, I’ve been married to a mechanic, and well, most men love cars.  The louder, the faster, the more expensive, the better.  I get that this is hard wired in most guys DNA. And should the opportunity arise I will be appropriately excited about the experience, but saying “I drove a Lamborghini” is like saying “I drank Louis Roederer Cristal Champaign”.  I understand the appeal of the Lamborghini and Maserati. I get that they are very expensive, European cars.  I know this.  Hell, I LOVE BMW’s.  I just have no desire to drive one, either one.

Sky Dive. I have yet to find any reason (good or not) for me to jump out of a perfectly functioning, still in the air, engines still running, airplane.  Now, if you’re in the military (see above) I get it. If you’re a fire jumper (who jumps into forest fires to put them out from the inside) I get it, I still think you’re insane jumping from a perfectly functioning plane into a forest fire. Hello!?! FIRE?? But if I get on a plane and they hand me a parachute, I’m giving it back and turning around to walk right the fuck off that plane.

Read The Hunger Games or 50 Shades of Grey.  I read the Harry Potter series (I was given the books) and loved them.  I got sucked into the Twilight series and read the books. Once.  I had no desire to read The Hunger Games or 50 Shades.  Neither series interested me, I wasn’t curious, and now, now that the hype is waning it’s now a matter of principle.  I am determined to be one of the last 10 people in the world to never read either series.

Swim in an ocean.  I have been to Panama City Beach, I have also been to Daytona Beach.  I have put my foot in the ocean at both beaches.  But I never went any further than mid-calf deep.  I hate slimy things.  I hate slimy rocks in oceans, lakes, rivers.  I hate bodies of water with creatures living in it.  I will make the exception for Mark Twain Lake.  I’ll get in the water there because that’s the only way to tube or wake board. But I don’t have to touch the bottom. Ever. I will never swim in the ocean, because A) I refuse to touch the bottom and B) the creatures that swim in oceans can eat a person.  I’m nobody’s dinner.

Now for a list of things I do want to do.

• Own a pair of Louboutins
• Weigh 115 again
• Get my nose pierced
• Get 1000+ page views a week consistently for 2  months.
• Have a relationship with my son again
• See Ireland
• Spend a week at an all inclusive resort that has beaches and margaritas.
• Not grow old alone
• Make a living with my camera or my writing, probably my camera

What’s on your Fuck No Way List?  Or your Bucket List?

Who wore them better, Me or Johnny Depp?

I mean it is kind of unfair, comparing me to Johnny Depp, but I’m pretty sure Mr. Willy Wonka can hold his own.

OR

 

Vin Diesel is NOT Captain Jack Sparrow.

I don’t care how big the capital letters are or how many exclamation points you use, disciplining your children via text message? Totally ineffective.

But anyway… last night..

Last night, the girls and I went for Tate’s physical.  She needs one to cheer next year, so the usual.  Afterwards, went to get gas, because clearly a car can’t run on fumes.

On the way to the gas station we see the movie theater is open (it’s small town USA, the movie theater is only open on weekends)  we also see Pirates of the Caribbean was on the marquee, so they beg “Can we stop and see what time it starts and can we go?!?!?!”

So, because I’m an awesome mom, (and because Johnny Depp is HAWT as Captain Jack Sparrow) we stopped.  The movie? 10 minutes in, paid for the tickets ($15 total… What?! Told you it was Small Town USA) and walk in.

Only to see a truck racing a train, and some explosions, and Vin Diesel, and *Ahem* there are no trains in the Caribbean, and Captain Jack Sparrow has hair and eye liner, Vin Diesel? Does not.

We have just paid $15 to watch Fast and The Furious number eleventy billion.  I do NOT want to watch this, BUT I’ve already paid for the tickets, we’ve already walked in, (without making sure Johnny Depp was the eye candy on the screen first..) so I’m embarrassed and I don’t want to watch this movie, and yet I don’t want to walk out and demand my money back AFTER I had just made a big fuss about getting us IN the movie in the first place.

Finally, Tate pipes up…I don’t want to watch this movie Mom, let’s go.  So, now I HAVE to walk out, explain that we didn’t realize it was Vin Diesel on the screen and not Captain Jack Sparrow, and really we’re really sorry, but the girls are all about the Caribbean but not so much the trains and trucks and cars and explosions.

Turns out? It was a FFA school event that we crashed, and then uncrashed.  Yes, I got my money back, but promised to come back this weekend when Johnny Depp WOULD be on the big screen.