My soul was for sale, and cheap too. Who knew?

The worst part of all this isn’t him leaving. I expected that.  As much as I knew I should have said NO when he asked me to take him back, I also knew it wouldn’t last, it wouldn’t work, and it wouldn’t be from lack of me trying.

The worst of this, is that I disappointed lied to a whole lot of people.  My family, my friends, you guys, everyone on the internet who supported me when I walked away after Sexapoloosa 2011,  but mostly I disappointed myself.

I knew beyond all doubt that taking him back was wrong. KNEW IT.  And yet there was that kernel of doubt, that said “Hey, he asked you to take him back.  He left the choice up to you. This time you get to call the shots.  You get to lay the ground rules.  You get to say This is what I want and if you can’t do it, then the answer is no.”  Knowing full well the odds were he’d lie, and he’d give me the illusion of trying.  For a while.

On yesterday’s post, Andie left me a comment, about how you think “Maybe this time.. Maybe this time things will be different. ”

Except, after 5 years, I knew things would never be different.

And I took him back.

Actually I sold my soul.

For a pair of $20 stilettos.

Apparently I am for sale.  And apparently I’m cheap. And shallow.

Remember these shoes?

The shoes I found on Pinterest and spent two hours hunting down on the internet only to discover they were ISL shoes and they cost $800 and there was no way I would ever spend $800 on a pair of shoes no matter how much I loved them.

So I went looking for knock offs and all I could find was grey suede and they were still three figure and did I really want to spend 3 figure on a pair of shoes I wouldn’t absolutely love b/c they were the wrong color?

Yeah, those shoes.

Right after Brian came crawling back, he went on vacation for a week with his family.  When he got back from vacation, the very next day he said “Let’s go to the Mall.  We’ll look at shoes for you, and Bass Pro for me.”

While we were there, we found The Shoes, ok major knock offs but still… beige suede 6 inch heel stilettos.

They weren’t exact, but OMG they were close.  And? They weren’t $800.  Also? He was paying.

They were $20.

And I loved them.

I put them on and danced and giggled and laughed my way through the rest of the day.  I laughed and giggled and adored them the whole way home.  I wore them all night, clear up until I went to bed, and left them on the floor by my bed (Yes I’m *that* dork).

I wore them to work the next day, and I showed them off.  I danced and giggled and laughed and told the story eleventy billion times about how I loved the $800 shoes but these were only $20.

And I never told a soul who bought them.

And I loved those shoes for about three days.

By then he was back to his old ways, he was too busy working, too busy eating, too busy driving, too busy watching television, too busy sleeping, too busy breathing, too busy finding ways to be too busy for me.

It was then that I realized this was not going to work.

But I couldn’t leave, he just bought me a pair of shoes. My dream shoes.  If I left it would look like I used him to get the shoes.  If I gave them back and left, I would have to explain where my dream shoes that I had bragged about had gone.

All of a sudden I realized I had sold my soul.

For a pair of $20 shoes.

That now, I hated.

Then, this weekend, it was over. Finally.  All that was left was to give him back a couple of things of his that I had.

And the shoes.

I boxed them up, left a note saying “I don’t care what you do with them. Maybe the next one will wear them.  I just know that I never will again.”  I left them in the mailbox and drove away.

He didn’t even say thank you.  I’m willing to bet they’re in the trash.  Draw your own correlation

All I want, isn't even close to all that I deserve, but it's a start

I am learning to set boundaries.

I am learning to say “HEY! This is what I want, this is what’s important to me.  This is what I need.  And if you can’t deal with it, if that’s not on your radar, I don’t have time for you.”

I am learning that I don’t have to settle in order to keep someone in my life.  If they can’t meet me half way at the very least, I can’t meet them at all.

I am finding my voice.

And I’m learning I don’t care if they leave my life, they weren’t good for me in the first place.

And that?

Is pretty fucking awesome.

So yesterday, I unfriended Mr I-don’t-have-time-for-you.   I don’t expect a whole lot.  A text message in the morning, one at night, maybe one in the middle of the day.  Text messages at the very least.  They take less than a minute to send.  Clearly he didn’t think about it or have the time to think about it and send a single text message.  And if he’s that busy, there’s no room or time for me in his life.

The phone call came last night that up until then he’d been too busy to make.  I was just too busy to answer.  I just don’t care.  He could call me ‘Sexy” and “Babe” and all those nice little names that would suck me back in.  I just don’t have it in me.  This was never going to go anywhere… so why drag it out.  He was there the day I spent 8 hours in the hospital.  The feelings that were stirred up that day I am convinced weren’t real, they were just a manifestation of  the mania I was in, the mania that had landed me in the hospital in the first place.

I went to my first one-on-one therapy session this week.  One the one month anniversary of my hospital visit.  I have taken steps to get healthy, there is a long way to go.  But I am finding my voice.  I know what I want, I know what I need.  I won’t allow anyone to take advantage of me.  I won’t give more than they do.  If they don’t make an effort, I won’t stick around.  I don’t ask for the moon.

And maybe a few in between.

Is that really asking too damn much???