Today, tomorrow, for the rest of her life, she chooses herself

He came to her, said all the right words, words she never thought she’d hear come from him mouth.

She didn’t believe them. She knew from before that he would do or say whatever it took to get what he wanted.

And he wanted to get laid.

And when he said it was up to her, her instincts said Damn straight it’s up to me.  Damn straight I don’t have to do it.

But the tiny voice back in the corner said “This time we hold all the cards. This time we call the shots. This time we say this is what we want and if you don’t agree, hit the road.  That power hungry little bitch voice actually thought they would be in control.  When had that ever happened?

But she laid it out anyway.  I’m not in this half way, I won’t settle for part time, I want a commitment, I want a future.  I want it all, or want nothing.

He agreed. (He wanted to get laid)

And then he went away, on vacation, and she didn’t hear from him for days at a time.  But she rationalized it, he’s busy on vacation.  He came home and they had the reunion she dreamed of.

And then he said we’re not really together, we’re more than dating, but taking things slow.

WTF does that even mean?  But she let it go.  Even though it clinched her gut and tore her heart a little.

And for a while things were fine, not perfect, not everything she wanted, but not altogether awful.  Until that fateful day at his work, when he told the guys “I’m never getting married again.”

That was more than a slap in the face to her, it was a gut punch.  He had let her believe that was an option in their future.  He told her he wanted the commitment, the family, the future.  This? She felt was a major betrayal.  He had promised her the ring and the wedding before, now, he denied he ever said it, and that she was crazy because he was never getting married again.

The best he could possibly offer her would be we might share an address, but we’ll never share a last name.

That was the beginning of the very end of the road for them.

He stopped calling as often, claimed to be busier.  There was always an excuse for why he hadn’t called.  He was busy. He was tired. He was driving. He was breathing.  He was arrogant.  He was self-centered.  The list went on and on as to why he couldn’t be bothered with her.

He even went so far as to say “I tried this weekend, and I got blown off. WTF is wrong with you?”  To which she found some balls and said “You tried? You tried this weekend?  Two days? Two days out of 14, and you got blown off?!  I try every fucking day. Every. FUCKING. Day and I get blown off.”

He just stopped called or answering her.  So she called his house, he said he’d call later.  She knew it was a lie.  He sent a text “I’m done, you haven’t been right since all I get is you bitching to me about not doing enough I’m tired of it. I get hurt and b/c I don’t spend all day on my phone you go crazy. Enough is enough.”

Later he admitted that he didn’t make the effort, he didn’t make the time, he didn’t even try.  And “call me a piece of shit, I don’t care anymore”.

It was then that she got to the end of their road together.  She knew she should have listened to her gut when he called her and asked and put the ball in her court.  She should have followed her heart and said “You’re right it is up to me, and I choose no.  I choose me.”

She’s choosing herself now.  She’s walked away, and she’s finished.  And she’s sure the day will come when he comes back again, because he’s sure he will always have the upper hand.

And when that day comes?  She will choose herself. Again and again.