Questions of my heart

It’s very hard, when you put so much of your relationship on-line, when it all goes bad, to deal with the break up in the public eye.

I know that I don’t have to put anything on line about the break up.  Except that right after he broke up with me (via text, no less) he changed his relationship status on FB, therefore forcing my hand, and I had to acknowledge it.

And because I love(d) him, I asked that the bashing of him stop.  He (along with his son, our friends, his family) would see all that you wrote to me on my FB wall, in the comments.  And yes, I understand and appreciate your sentiments; I knew it would be better for everyone involved, in real life at least, if the bashing of him didn’t happen in public.

Keeping true to that has, at times, been difficult.

There have been days that I have sat down to write a scathing blog post reciting chapter and verse everything he did that pissed me off.  Maybe not at the time, but now, looking back pissed me off.  Just because being pissed off is much easier.  All those feelings, all that passion I felt for him, doesn’t just go away, doesn’t just turn itself off.  So, instead of channeling that passion into love, it’s easier, safer, and less painful to channel it into anger.

But it’s not fair to him.

Or his son.

Or our friends.

Or his family.

They did nothing wrong, and they don’t deserve to be caught in the cross fire, and don’t need to see this battle waged on the pages of the internet.

Brian wouldn’t wage it online anyway.

He would call me, or text me, or just turn his back and turn off my phone, and go quietly away in the middle of the night.

It’s hard to find other things to write about when your heart wants to pour itself out all over the place all the time.  It’s hard to sit down and write about something, anything else, besides the break up.

There are more than a few people I know, based on our history, think that this is just a phase for him.  That in a few weeks, he’ll miss me, he’ll come around, he’ll want to reconcile.

I’m not so sure.  Some days, I would agree with them. Other days? Not on your life.

Today?

One of those days without hope.

No, that’s not true.  Every day is full of hope.  Just today, there is no hope of any sort of reconciliation.

I’m ok with that.

And see, that’s where I am.

Taking this time (however long, or short) away from him, to figure out where I am, where I want to be, how to get there.

And most importantly, what being “there” (where ever there is) looks and feels like.

Do I want him along for the journey?

Do I want to take him on that journey with me?

Do I dig down deep inside me, in a place I have never found, but I’m sure is there, and find the strength and courage to say “I love you, more than you know, but it’s time we stop hurting each other.”

Or is that taking the easy way out?  Walking away without talking about our problems and trying to find a solution?

Or is this the solution?

Awkward Love

Brian has been working a lot of hours at his new store.  He’s the new store manager, he’s a manager short, and it’s been a 100-bazillion degrees outside with 150% humidity.  It’s not exactly a vacation for him.

Last night I new he had been really busy and had had a pretty rough day.  So, on his way home from work I called him…

B: Hey, what’s up?

Me: Nothing much, just wanted to call and say I love you.

B: What’s that?  I couldn’t hear you.

Me: Uh, Just wanted to say I love you….

B:  I’m sorry Sweetie, you’re cutting out. What did you say?

By now, the girls have heard my conversation and are standing there listening, and laughing…

Me: Well, hell, this started out cute and sweet, now it’s just creepy and awkward… I called to say I love you.

Tate: AAAWWWWWWW how sweet?!?!

Newt: Yeah, this isn’t awkward at all.

B: What did you say?  I still can’t hear you.

Me: Never mind. I’ll just text you.

B: Oh, well, ok, I’m just trying to get home. I’ll talk to you later.  Love you.

Sigh

Road Bump

It was a bump. That’s what he says, bump.

To me, it’s a sink hole.

He said he expected them along the way. There will be more, lots more, we’ll weather them together.

The road just got longer, so long I can’t see the end.

He promises it’s still there, always will be, until we get there. And we’ll get there.

He said there’s no rush, we want to do it right from the beginning.

I hate it when he’s right.

But he smoothed out the bump. Filled the sink hole.

My calm in my storms. My center, my strength.

Brain Dump

I was up at 3:00 AM this morning because my head wouldn’t shut up. I’ve got so much running around up there due to I haven’t had time to sit and write all week. So excuse me while I just dump the contents of my brain out here.

• Last Friday after dropping the kids off to spend the week with their dads, I came back to Casa de la Batman, and haven’t been home since. Spending the weekend was expected, Monday night was a bonus and then Tuesday and well, I’m still here. Tonight, after the funeral, I’ll take the kids home to our house. I am not looking forward to that.
• Yesterday was Dad’s visitation. Right before we were to leave, the girls called from Slug’s. They thought they felt an earthquake. While talking to them about that excitement, Batman came up and slipped a diamond tennis bracelet around my wrist. Beautiful. OMG. Don’t get excited, I’m sure I’ll have to give it back today after the funeral, but yesterday, I felt like a princess. Yes, I slept with it too.
• GFTP was at visitation. The first hour was for immediate family only, with an open casket. Then the casket would be closed when visitation was opened to the public. Somehow she ranked family time. I happened to wander into the parlor when she was standing at the casket with mom and Batman. I knew she would be there, I didn’t realize she was immediate family, but whatever. It’s no secret mom wants her for a daughter-in-law. It’s also no secret that will never happen. I sat at the back, being very respectful of them, but when mom saw me in the back, she immediately went to the Aunts and started whispering and pointing at me, and the Aunts turned around and looked at me and whispered back. And while I don’t know what was said, I can only imagine. It really pissed me off.
• Batman did introduce me to GFTP. I was not impressed. She was rude, (and ugly.. WTF did he ever see in her?) She barely acknowledged me, and acted as if I had no right to be there. Guess what? It’s not about what you want/think. After she left, I promptly forgot about her. Sort of.
• EW was there too. And for a minute, I was glad. Finally somone else who loved Batman and his family, and yet, was an outsider. Until her 20 year history with the family kicked in, and she was included. I instantly became invisible.
• Invisible is easy when Mom wishes you didn’t exist. Everyone (Batman excluded) takes their cue from her. I could have gone home at any point, and wouldn’t have been missed much.
• I know that I’m not family, and I stayed out of ‘family’ things, and stayed in the background, and was there for Batman when he needed me. But the constant reminders that I’m not family, and the proverbial slaps in the face yesterday were exhausting. And hurtful.
• Batman knew something was wrong, and I tried to tell him all the while playing it off, making it less than it really was. I tried to play it off as she’s under a lot of stress, and she’s just not herself right now. The last thing he needs is to feel torn between me and his mother.
• There have been times this past week that I have never felt closer to Batman, and times when we might as well have been in two seprate universes. I have never loved him more than I have this week.
• Today is the funeral. More hell and games for me. At least this isn’t going to be about socializing and I’ll actually get to stand beside Batman the entire time. (Unless Mom banishes me to back of the chapel)
• I hate that Dad’s funeral has caused all this drama. There has been major drama between Batman and EW about the kids attending or not attending. I’ve done my level best to stay out of the middle. Not an easy task when your best friend is your boyfriend’s ex wife.

Thank you all for your condolences.  He was well loved, as was apparent by the throngs of people at the funeral home last night.  He will be missed deeply.

Dear Batman

Dear Batman,

We have just spent an incredible weekend together, all of us, and I am once again reminded of all the reasons I love you. I can’t bring myself to say those words to you yet, even though that means I bite my tongue repeatedly, holding back the urge to shout it for everyone to hear, I love you. I wish I could say what you’re not ready to hear, and I wish you would say what I’m dying to hear.

So I’ll tell you here instead.

I love you. I love the way you give 100% of yourself to those you love and care about. I love that you step up and do what needs to be done. I love that you give until there is nothing left to give and you find more.

I love that you get me. I love that you now recognize when I’m in a funk and you ask me about it. I love that you call me a liar when I tell you I’m fine, when I’m really not. I love that you let me know it’s ok to talk about it but you don’t push me to do that until I’m ready.

I love that you want me. I love that you want us. I love that our time with the kids is just as important and precious to you as our time alone. I love that you make sure there is an equal balance of both.

I love that when we are all together we can function as a family. I love that when we met people on the lake this weekend, and they assumed we were ‘a family’ you didn’t correct them, because in fact, we are a family. I love that when people assume I’m your wife, you don’t correct them.

I love that when I lost my Christmas ring in the lake this weekend and I cried and cried because it mattered and it was gone. You turned to boat over to Scooter, sat beside me, hugged me and told me “It can be replaced and this time it will be bigger and better. Dad has replaced 5 rings for mom.” When I asked you “Are you really going to buy me 4 more?” you answered “If you’re a good girl”.

I love that my heart aches with the weight of all I feel for you, the overwhelming rush of love and pride that I feel when I watch you. I love watching how competent you are at so many things. I love that you take care of those you care about, and I love that we are a part of that group of people.

I love that it is important to you that we spend time together, important enough for you to go to bat for me with your mom. You have had to work very hard to get me back into that house over night, and allowing me and the kids to sleep there last night was the most wonderful thing you could have done.

I love that when I sleep next to you, you curl into me and snuggle close when I wrap my arms around you. I love that when I move in the night, you reach for me and make sure I’m ok.

I love that when we took your kids shopping the other night, you put Princess in the cart, asked Scooter to push her, and then reached for my hand and held it as we finished shopping. I love that you know the simple act of buying ice cream for me is the simplest and yet most touching thing you can do for me. I love that every day we function more and more as a family.

I love that when I’m watching television with your father, you will come over to the couch and lay your head on my lap. I love that you’re not afraid to express that intimacy in front of your parents.

I love that I know that I am loved beyond measure by you, even when your head won’t allow your mouth to put into words all that your heart tells my heart.

Let there be spaces in your togetherness

Last weekend, after the family reunion, Batman had the day off.  No kids, no plans, and a strong desire to not be around when the drunks woke up hung over from the day before.

He loaded up the truck, hooked up the boat, picked me up and we took off to The Lake.

It was just the two of us, on the boat, on the water.  We had Corona, Captain Morgan, water, soda, a radio, a camera, our cells phones with intermittent signal, each other.  And all day with nothing more to do than just enjoy No Plans.

I was worried for a while.  He hasn’t had a day off with no kids since January.  We haven’t spent an entire day together just the two of us, since December.  What if we got out there, and discovered we had nothing to talk about other than the kids?  What if we got out there, in the middle of the Lake, with just each other, and it was awkward? How awful would that be?

What I found out there on that water that day, was the comfort we have with each other.  The ease of knowing we can be together without having to fill every second of every minute with something.  We could be together, and be comfortable with each other, even in the silent moments.

I found that when there is no stress, no kids, no family, no demands, then he can give in to wants.  And he wanted me.  He wants us.  We laid in the sun.  We listened to ball game.  We drank a beer or two.  We fished a while.  But most of all, we just spent the day together.  Reconnecting in a way that made us realize we had drifted apart.  We had taken each other for granted, trusting that we would just be together.  we didn’t realize we had drifted apart.

We had been spending time with each other, but not really connecting.  Side by side, but not together.  That day on the water, everything changed.  He took me home, and told me to go get my stuff.  When I looked at him puzzled, he answered simply, “You’re sleeping at the house with me tonight.”

I’ve been at Casa de la Batman every night this week.  I will pick up my kids today, and tomorrow we will take all 5 kids out to The Lake and spend the day with them there.  We will be a family.

I came home early this morning because I needed to be in my own space again.  I needed time with me again.  He wanted me to stay.  He wants to get together later this afternoon when I get back from getting the kids.  I wanted to come home last night so he could be with his kids without me.  He begged me to stay.  Finally I get it.  I trust enough to be ok with not being there 24-7, I’m ok with needing my own space and giving him his.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fuck I may just be growing up

An open letter to his mother

Dear Bat Mom,

I knew when Batman told me it would be smart if I wasn’t at the family reunion today that it wasn’t wholly his idea. The noble intent behind it was his. His need to protect me from the possible drama was his The fact that it felt like a complete slap in the face, came from you.

Our relationship has been a rollercoaster from the beginning. The day I met you, you welcomed me with open arms and we talked like old friends. At the time, I thought it was wonderful that his mother and I could get along so well. I learned you are always that nice, friendly, loving to everyone you meet. You’re just that warm and inviting and open.

When you realized my relationship with your son had the potential to be a long term, maybe even permanent, things changed. I don’t blame you, even for that. You’re a mother, as am I. You love your son, as do I. You want what is best for him, you want him to be happy. You wonder and doubt that I’m best for him.

I know that you would rather have GFTP for a daughter-in-law than me. You have never made that any secret. That used to bother me. Until I realized it didn’t matter who you wanted as a daughter-in-law, what matters is who Batman wants as a wife. And he doesn’t want her.

No matter what you have said about me in the past. No matter what you have done to me in the past, I love you. You are his mother. You raised him from a little boy into an incredible loving, giving, warm, wonderful man who gives all of himself for those he loves. And right now, me and mine are counted among those he loves.

I have no plans to steal him away from you. I would never win that battle anyway. I’m smart enough to not even try. I want more than anything to be included. We don’t have to fight over him, or make him chose. We can be allies and love him together in the best way we both know how.  You depend on him for so much now, and as time goes on, that dependency will only increase.  I will never ask him to step away, turn his back or chose me over you.  I only want to be there to help and support him in all that he must do to help and support you.

I know that in the past I have fallen short of your idea of the perfect partner for your son.  But you know deep in your heart, from conversations in the past, that I love that man with everything that I am.  And because I love him, I love you too.

I have things to prove to you, I am well aware.  I know that I broke your heart in the past.  I want to believe that at least somewhere along the line you loved me.  I want to hope that somewhere down the line you will love me again.

I understand your reservations about me being there today.  I knew that the ’slap in the face’ I felt came from you.  I can forgive that.  Because maybe, just maybe I need to remember, I am not family.  You need to remember I am not family YET.

I love you Bat Mom.  Let’s find a way back to a friendship at the very least.  We owe it to him.