SEO is Just Going to Have to Suck it, This is Personal

I don’t even know where or how to start this post, although with this sentence it seems I already have.

I guess I just dive in.

A few days ago my feelings got hurt.  That sounds so juvenile and childish, “You hurt my feelings” but I can’t think of any other way to put it, without laying blame on the person’s shoulders who hurt me.

I am not going to write about who it was, or what was said because that’s not fair to them. And I can’t speak for them.

But I can speak for me.

And I will.  I am.

I got the impression that they were putting me down, blowing me off, ignoring my suggestions and help and efforts in several situations over the course of a couple of days.

Whether that was their intention or not I don’t know.

I have asked.

I have not received a response.

I think I know what the response will be, but as I said before I will not, can not speak for the other person.

I am sorry this is so vague.

I felt belittled. I felt ignored. I felt as though my suggestions were ignored because I couldn’t possibly be right. I felt as though any compliment I received was undeserved.  I am hurt, and upset, and I feel as if I can not talk to this person in a way they will hear me and understand.  I am afraid that in explaining to them how I felt, they will feel attacked.  No matter how nicely I put, no matter how specifically I say “this is how I felt when you said/did this” (which is classic couples therapy learn to have a discussion instead of a fight speak) they will go on the defensive and not hear what I am saying. I find very little comfort in “Well at least you told them, and if they don’t understand that’s on them”  but there was very little peace in letting it go unmentioned.

This is not a bipolar episode.  This is not a PMS thing.  My medications are fine and have been working and continue to work.  I don’t take them so that I have no moods.  Bad days, hurt feelings all are perfectly normal, and this is exactly that.

 

Maybe this isn’t the place to air this out.  I am not calling anyone out, I am not naming names, I am not pointing fingers or laying blame anywhere.  This is my blog, and this post is about how I felt, still feel.  I come here, like I did in the beginning, to write this out.  Not to garner support, not to rally a lynch mob to gang up on anyone.

I haven’t even said you hurt my feelings,I have only said my feelings were hurt, which lays no blame, points no fingers.

I don’t even know if they realized they were doing it, but if it was an unconscious action, that makes it all the more painful, because to me, that makes it all the more honest.

I have gone out of my way to be sure that I have used only “I sentences”.  I don’t know if anything will ever be resolved, and maybe it’s enough that they know.

Maybe I need to forgive, and move on, without expecting an apology that may never come.  Is it OK to move on without your feelings being acknowledged? Because it’s not easy.  Maybe it’s necessary.

I Have Worth

If there was one thing I learned in therapy last week, it was I have worth.

I am stronger than I seem, braver than I believe, and smarter than I think. (Thank you Christopher Robin for such beautiful words).

I learned that I shouldn’t settle,  that I am enough on my own.   It’s pretty hard to ignore the awesomeness it takes to raise two Drama Tweens as a single mom these days.   I’ve had my dark days, but here we are, four years after moving away from my entire support system, in a new duplex, with one daughter a cheerleader, and the other trying out this year.

I learned there is a line in the sand that I put there.  A limit to what I’ll accept and when it’s time to walk away.  I have worth, and if you can’t see that,  you have no room in my life.

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for less.   I want the whole she-bang, not just half-ass here and there.   I don’t want to be squeezed in when you have a second, I want to be wanted.  I deserve that, at the very least.

I don’t have time, or the desire to play games any more.  I know what I want, and if you want it too, great, we’ll work to get there, together.  But I’m not going to waste my time on someone who doesn’t see the future as I see it, with me in it.

I learned a lot in therapy last week.  I learned that victim mentality pisses me off.  Mostly because I spent so many years being the victim in my own life.  It strips you of any power and responsibility in your own life.  I learned how to get my own power back.  I found my own voice, and now I call the shots in my life.   Now I make the rules.