Living With Bipolar Disorder isn't as Glamorous as Hollywood wants you to think.

For a while it seemed that bipolar disorder was the “It Disorder” for Hollywood.  Catherine Zeta Jones came out about her stay in a hospital for it.  Carrie Fischer wrote about her struggle with bipolar disorder.  One of the most famous celebrities-with-bipolar-disorder would be Patty Duke.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in May of 2007, barely two weeks before I packed up my girls and moved here. Where here is 2 hours away from all the family they ever knew and my entire support system.  Believe me it sounds so much worse than it has turned out to be.

I am just a few short months away from my five year diagnosis anniversary.  I would love to be able to tell you that my life is so much better, in fact more normal, than it was then.  But I don’t like to lie.  The truth is, while I know a lot about my disorder, and I am hyper aware of mood swings, and I know that no matter how much I love tequila shots, my mood swings don’t.  I know enough to make an appointment with my p-doc to change the strength of the medications I’m on.  I know enough to take my medications every day. I know enough that some situations and people and places and foods and drinks are all triggers and I’m better off avoiding them.

I know all of this stuff, but I don’t always manage to follow through.  Like a smoker knows cigarettes are bad for them, and they light up another one.  Or someone on a diet knows donuts are off limits, but they look so good, so they sneak one, just one.

And so it was with the holidays.  I knew they would be difficult this year, I just didn’t realize how difficult.  I knew Christmas and New Year’s Eve were the big ones, they were looming huge and dark and foreboding on the horizon, and I needed to do something to get through them.  I called my p-doc, he tweaked my meds, offered some coping skills that did not include bottles of tequila or Captain Morgan, and some phone numbers, you know, just in case.

I did everything right.

And the holidays? Went all wrong.

I spent Christmas day, at home, alone.  I had heard from everyone I was going to hear from by 10:00.  The girls were dropped off safely with their dad for the week, and I was home with two in heat very obnoxious attention whore cats.  By 6:30 I was feeling incredibly sorry for myself and hating the world outside. And the damn cats.  New Year’s Eve, lather, rinse, repeat, with the exception of the addition of sleeping pills and I was in bed by 8:30.

But that week, bookended by those two holidays spent alone, coupled with tweaked meds which always take time to adjust to, triggered a major spiral in moods.  I have been all over the place for the past two weeks.  Finally the horrors of my holidays are fading, the meds are leveling out and I feel like I’m coming out of a fog.  The problem is, there is a lot of debris in my rear view mirror.  A lot of things said and done that were less than stellar but felt right and justified at the time.

Welcome to bipolar disorder. When a bad mood is more than a bad mood.  When a good day is an epic day, and living in the extreme highs and lows makes it hard to determine what is a reasonable reaction and expectation.  So, when you come back down to level ground, you see the mountains were actually molehills, and the epic great day was actually just Tuesday.

I will live with the shame and embarrassment of my extreme actions over the past couple of weeks.  I will make apologies for angry texts fired off in the heat of the moment and accusations leveled from jumping to conclusions.

And I will try harder next time.

Dr. Ruth and the Holiday Gauntlet

I got a text message this morning that said “Will you answer a personal question for me?”

“Fine, yes, I have had sex with another woman. No there is no photographic evidence.  Is that what you wanted to know?”

It wasn’t.

Oops.

Later, I got another text from a different person, “I need some advice.”

Uh, ok, as long as you realize it won’t be worth a damn.

I’m trying to decide between playing the filed and exclusivity.  There are some things I want to try but can’t figure out how to do it.

I’m not sure how to break this to you, women are not lab rats.  That’s what hookers are for. 

I can’t afford a hooker, and the things I want to try involve more than two people. Any suggestions?

I’m sorry, I turned in my membership card to the Women who fulfill men’s threesome fantasies support group just last week.  Sorry.  Play the field. Besides you don’t want to get all caught up in the Holiday Gauntlet of relationships.  No man has ever come out of that alive. 

The Holiday Gauntlet, or Holiday Triathlon, you know that obstacle course that starts at Thanksgiving and runs up to St. Patrick’s Day.

If you’re Single the gauntlet looks like this:

Thanksgiving is a day you can hang with your family and quasi forget you’re single.  They will forgive you that third glass of wine and the second piece of pumpkin pie. Especially if you offer to do the dishes.  (That way you can sneak a fourth glass of wine, or third piece of pie.)  Also, Thanksgiving is when the stores really ramp up their advertising campaigns and the jewelry stores of the world unite to bombard you with never ending reminders that you are in fact single and you do in fact suck and won’t be getting any bling this year. Pass that damn wine.

Christmas is for the kids.  At least that’s what you tell yourself if you have kids.  Watching them open their presents and squee with excitement and rush to hug you and say thank you should distract your for about 6.9 seconds.  Then they are off to text all their friends about all they got, and you are left to throw away all the wrapping paper and curl up with the book you bought yourself, and drink coffee out of the I ❤ Mom coffee mug you kid bought at the school store.  By noon you’ll be ready to rip down all the decorations and throw them out with the wrapping paper.

New Years Eve isn’t too hard to navigate.  For the most part you can go out and risk life and limb to attend any number of NYE parties offered (for a substantial fee) at any of the hotels, night clubs, casinos in the area.  Or you can opt to stay home and watch television.  Believe me, not every channel on television will be shoving Ryan Seacrest down your throat.  But at some point in the evening it will invariably be all over Facebook and Twitter that it’s NYE and everyone in the world is celebrating a new year with their significant other, and you will be reminded that when the ball drops at midnight, with any luck you’ll be passed out.

And just when you think you’ve made it through the trifecta of Holiday Hell, February throws Valentine’s Day in your face.  If the jewelry store commercials, the Holiday music, the parties, and the constant reminders that you’re single have made you want to stab someone, this day will.  And forget trying to forget what day it is. Every fucking woman in your office will be getting an obnoxious ginormous bouquet of roses from their significant others and you’ll be stuck answering phones while they go out to lunch.

Of course the reward for surviving the Singles Holiday Gauntlet is celebrating St. Patrick’s Day!  Bring on the alcohol!

If you are coupled up through the holidays

Fuck you.

Never miss an important holiday like National Margarita Day again. You’re Welcome

Yesterday, it turns out, was National Margarita Day.  You would think that I, Queen of all things tequila, would have known this important bit of information and planned my day accordingly.

My minions? Failed me.

I didn’t find out about this National Holiday until I saw it in my Google Reader.  (Thank you Kelley and The Bitchy Waiter)

Finding out in Google Reader? That is a travesty.  Seriously.  How could I not know about this?  So I did what any self-respecting Queen of all things tequila would do. I sent out a text message to my besties “Holy Fuck Batman! Today is National Margarita Day! Why the hell are we not celebrating?”  (The best response to that text? “You are so fucking awesome!”) Of course, it being a Tuesday night, and us having jobs and shit and having to work today, kinda but the kibosh on the celebrations.

In the interest of never missing another important national holiday like this again, I went in search of all the most important, little known, shouldn’t be over looked holidays.  And let me tell you?  There is a fuckton of them.

February 26th is For Pete’s Sake Day *and* Levi Strauss Day.
February 28th? National Tooth Fairy day.
March 1st? Pig Day and Plan a Solo Vacation Day
April 15th is Income Tax Day, but did you know it is also McDonald’s Day and Take a Wild Guess Day?  Pretty sure that last one? Is not the best way to file your taxes.  It is also? That Sucks Day, which makes sense.  Clearly.
May 6th? No Homework Day *and* No Diet Day.  Awesome!

I could go on and on, there are hundreds of observations.  Now?  Not only am I fucking awesome, I am a wealth of important trivial holidays.

That sucking sound you hear is just the end of my holidays going down the drain.

The holiday season is over.  Thank you very much Will Robinson. (I don’t know where the fuck that came from.  Anyone? Am I insane? Shut up.)  With the exception of New Year’s Eve, but I never celebrate that.  This year? Will be no exception. The past two weeks have not been easy or fun and it all came to a head last night. (Last night being tonight actually as I write this, but last night when I post it tomorrow. And tomorrow being Monday.  Caught up? Yes? Good.)

It’s Christmas time again, and I should have seen it coming. It happens every year.  It’s the curse of Santa Claus.  Or Christmas trees.  Or poinsettias.  Or maybe mistletoe.  No, it’s not the mistletoe, there’s never any of that around.  Maybe it’s the curse of wrapping paper?  Who knows?  Who cares?

What am I talking about?

Brian.

And me.

And us.

Or the fact that, well, it’s December, and it’s Christmas, and for those of you playing along at home know, that means, he dumped me.

Again.

It happens like clockwork, right around Christmas/New Years.  I should just break up with him on Black Friday, and call him again on Super Bowl Sunday.  Save a whole lot of money on gifts, and parties, and hopes, and wishes, and expectations.

And broken hearts.

I saw it coming.  For weeks now.  It really isn’t important.  When he finally maned up tonight and said “I’m just done” it wasn’t a surprise. Of course, my first thought (ok, maybe not my FIRST thought, but one of the ones early on) was I have so many readers on my blog and friends on Facebook, I can totally bash him all over the place and exact my revenge on-line.

And then?

I didn’t.

Because I had a conversation with his mother, after I talked to him, and she told me “I love you, and I love your girls.” and I know that she doesn’t throw that word around lightly.  And maybe there’s a little bit of respect in there too.  Either way, the relationship we have now has not come easy and it is far too precious to me to throw away.  Bashing him on-line would only destroy the love/respect his mother has for me and the girls.

So, I am taking the high road.

Ok, I’m staying out of the mud.

It took him all of 10 minutes to change his status on Facebook to single, and to change what he’s looking for to “women”.  The bed is barely cold from where I spent all day with him, and he’s already on the prowl. And maybe he did that because he knew I would look, and he just feels this need to hurt me.

Score one for him.

I aired some dirty laundry on Facebook a few weeks ago.  The comments got out of hand, and I knew it at the time.  And I should have stopped it, to prevent a fight. And yet, I didn’t.  Because I wanted him to hear me.  I wanted him to know what I had been trying to say to him.

But he didn’t hear me.

He hasn’t listened.

And that’s the most mud I’m going to sling in this whole big mess.

I can’t wrap my head around it right now.

In the midst of the problems we’ve been going through these past few months I have found friends I didn’t know I had.  I have girlfriends. The girls I work with were awesome and amazing at the Christmas party.  They offered up their sofa in the sitting area of their hotel suite so I could get my drink on and not have to drive home.  My girl AD never fails to remind me to pick up my awesomeness, brush it off, and let it shine all over the place.  My girl LD is the funniest, craziest, sweetest, touch-my-heart-make-me-love-her girlfriend ever.  She never lets me forget how amazing she thinks I am for being a single mom and raising my girls by myself.  My girl WW is always there to say “Fuck it let’s get a drink.”  Although we seldom do, sometimes just the thought is enough.  My girl JB, is always there to remind me how strong I really am. She’s always there with the rear view mirror telling me “Look how far you’ve come. Now just imagine how far you’ll go.”  My girl MM rocks my world, and she made me cry when she told me “Come spend the holidays with us.  We love you and we want you around.”  And my girl SK, well, how can you argue when she offers to buy you a drink or form the lynch mob?  Answer? Don’t bother arguing.

Even tonight, when I went and changed my relationship status on Facebook, (after all I look pretty stupid when my page says I’m in a relationship with Brian and his says Single.  Makes me look like a stalker or a nutjob who’s in an imaginary relationship with someone who doesn’t even know it.) people commented on it.  People I didn’t expect would see it. People who’s friendship I am grateful for.

That sucking noise you hear?  That’s the end of 2010.  That bright shining light on the horizon?

That would be my awesomeness.

My personal Christmas miracle

Merry Christmas Spirit

I am almost afraid to write this.  Afraid that writing this will jinx my luck.  Or worse, will incite hatred and jealousy in you all and I’ll lose all my readers.

And yet, I’m going to write it.

Because it’s Christmas.

And miracles, or unexplained magic, good luck, or wishes come true, whatever you want to call it, is not unheard of this time of year.

To say that 2010 has not been a kind and easy year for me is sort of an understatement.  I will admit that the problems I have gone through this entire year are mostly of my own making.  To say that my life seems to have come together is in fact true, but I’m afraid that dwelling on it will jinx it and my  luck will turn.

I have spent more than a few weekends in jail this year.  But that issue is resolved.  I was on probation at the beginning of the year, and now?  No more.  I started 2010 living in a hell hole I was embarrassed by, and now?  I live in a really cute duplex I am damn proud of.  I have a new writing opportunity at Buy-Her.com where I get to write with a group of fabulous women.

At the beginning of December, Christmas was just over 3 weeks away.  The girls wanted laptops for Christmas last year and at the last minute, Brian and I just couldn’t come up with the money to get them for the girls.  It was my hope to fulfill that wish for them this year.    If nobody else got a single present from me this year, my girls would get laptops.

Now I just had to find the money.

And somehow?  The money was there.  Just when I needed it.

And the price of the laptops?

Lower than I planned on.

And then, Brian’s birthday is the 20th.  In the 4 years we’ve been together I have never been able to get him both a birthday gift and a Christmas gift.

Until this year.

And not only did I manage to get him exactly what I wanted to get him. I managed to get him exactly what I wanted to get him, for less money than I planned to spend.

I don’t know how to explain it, but the money for the gifts was always there, just when I needed it.  I don’t know what to call it (maybe poor judging on my part?) but when I went to buy the gifts?  They were less than I expected.

Christmas has come together in a way I would have never expected, much like my life this year.

For the first time since I divorced their dad I am able to give the girls a real Christmas, instead of just buying them what I can afford, I was able to get them what they wanted.  In a big way.

So this year, when the presents are handed out, it won’t matter so much to me what I am handed to open.  The joy I will get from opening presents will be watching those I love open the gifts I picked out for them, knowing I was able to do all of that all by myself without cutting myself short.

And that?

Is the miracle of my Christmas.

Carrie Bradshaw I'm not. But not from lack of shoes. (A wish list of sorts)

Hi.  Let me introduce myself.  I am Becky, also known as Ms Batman and this is my blog.  I know, you can’t tell it to look around this poor neglected place.  First there was the move.  Then the accident.  Then the Holiday.  Then life.  And well, here we are.

No matter how many wishes I make before blowing out candles, No matter how many times I wish on falling stars, no matter how much money I throw into wishing wells…. I never wake up and magically find I’ve turned into Carrie Bradshaw.  I can’t even be graced with her writing talent.  Or even half her shoe budget.

But on the day that it does happen (and I truly believe that someday it *will* happen) I am prepared.   At least for her shoe budget.  I do have myself a wish list.  (Santa?  Brian?  Hope you’re reading this.  *hint* *Hint*)

If you felt that tremor today, I am absolutely positive the Earth shifted on its axis today.   See, Brian’s mom and I went to my crack house today.  She threatened to drop me off at the Red Cross instead.  Silly woman, doesn’t she know I would naturally gravitate to DSW?  Clearly. Anyway, we went to DSW, and when we walked out of there, Brian had a pair of shoes.

And I didn’t.

The universe?

It’s no longer right.

I’m worried.

Oh, my lack of shoes is not from lack of falling in love.

Here… let me show you.

First, there were these beauties.

The fact is, sometimes it’s really hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun ~ Carrie Bradshaw

My Company Christmas Party is next Saturday night at one of the local casinos. (I know. How rockin’ awesome is that?!?)  And well, these shoes just SCREAM Christmas Party Holiday Fun!

Of course they are tacky.  Of course I would only ever wear them once. Ok, no, I would totally wear them more than once.  But damn these shoes are F-U-N.

And I walked out of the store leaving them behind.  (Don’t worry, I have a week to think about it. I can still pick them up the afternoon before the party)  I’m awesome like that.

If you want this awesomeness for yourself, and really why wouldn’t you?  You can get them here

The girls’ dad lives in a small country town, and lives on several acres.  For as long as I have known him and his brothers they have hunted deer every year.  It’s like a holiday with them, second only to Christmas.  Seriously.    I went hunting with him our first year together (Because I am an awesome girlfriend) and was bored out of my head, and cold, and tired, and cranky and we didn’t see any deer that morning.  (Gee, wonder why?)  I never went hunting with him again.

What the best dressed woman deer hunter is wearing

But… if I had owned these shoes?!?  I totally would have rocked that deer stand every. single. year.  I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Sarah Palin had a pair of these.  I mean, look at them… they are awesome!  Now, I know, a lot of you don’t like Sarah Palin, but don’t let that stand between you and these amazing shoes.

The cool thing about these?  They even have boot tread on them. Rubber knobby souls, just like boots.  How cool is that????

Check it out: 

Yes. I love them.  Yes, I want them. Yes I would rock them with jeans.  Or a black pencil skirt, or nothing at all.

*ahem* moving on…

Everyone needs a little bondage in their life.

I have been Jonesing for a new pair of boots for a while now.  I have 2 pair of boots that I wear all. the. time.  One below the knee, one over the knee.  Both pair are flats.  If you know me at all, flats just aren’t me.  I know. Don’t ask me what I was thinking when I bought them.  I don’t know.  Recently, I’ve decided Mama needs a new pair of boots.

I am not sure the Two Lips Vantage Boot would go well with a skirt or a dress, but OMG they would totally rock a pair of jeans or leggings.  And mama?  Oh Mama likey.  A lot. Of course they are more fashionable than functional, but I’m all about looking good and less about staying warm.  But please god don’t tell my girls that.  I have stubbornly refused to buy them fashionable boots this year, forcing them instead to pick out functional boots that will keep their feet warm and dry on their walks to school.

The boots I have drooled over for longer than I care to admit.

These last boots, I first saw in a FingerHut catalog.  And I saw them in red. (Three words. To. Die. For.)  But I refuse to play the FingerHut game where you have to buy everything on ‘their’ credit at a 40% mark-up.  I looked up and down every single isle at DSW today looking for my beloved McKenzie boot, (at this point, color doesn’t matter. I want these boots) only to discover they did not have any in stock.  The other drawback?  DSW doesn’t offer them in red (in the store, Clearly. Or on line).

As I mentioned before, the universe is wrong, the world is tilted on its axis, because I walked out of DSW today without a pair of shoes for me.  But somehow Brian managed to get a pair of shoes.  And he wasn’t even there.

Dear Santa, (or Brian),

I have been mostly good this year.  I mean I got all my legal issues taken care of and put behind me.  I have found a rockin place to live.  I don’t fight with the girls’ dad any more.  I have a budget (that doesn’t cover the costs of these shoes. Clearly.  That’s why I’m begging asking  for them) so I will be able to pay all my bills on time. And the rent.  I’m on my medications.  Surely I deserve some of these shoes????

PS: You can click on the pictures and go directly to the sight and Buy them!!! *Hint hint*

I am thankful for things most people take for granted.

It’s been a year to be thankful for.   And yet, I find myself selling it all short.  I am thankful for things this year that most everyone else takes for granted.  I’m thankful that my legal issues are behind me and there will be no more weekends spent in jail.  And really, isn’t that on everyone’s list of things to be thankful for this year?

I am thankful that I finally have a place to live that is not a rat infested hell hole (there were no rats at any of the places I’ve lived.  An occasional mouse? Yes. Rats? No).  I have a place I can be proud of and I can have people over and the girls can have play dates and sleep overs and a social life.

I am thankful that I finally have my head screwed on straight.  I have finally figured out that I have to give up tanning and manis/pedis and Starbucks every day so that I can pay the rent and the utilities and buy groceries.  And see?  How this is simple basic economics that everyone else understands naturally but me?  The one who has a BS in Business Administration, who actually took economics and accounting and business management in college?  Took 42 years to get it.

I am thankful that I am on medication and makes all of the above things possible.  Sure I hate the fact that for the rest of my life I will have to be on medication just so I can function like everyone else manages to do on a day to day basis, but if swallowing a pill or two every single day means I live my life in relative comfort and security, then so be it.

I am thankful that I walked away from an accident that could have been oh so much worse than it turned out to be.  The pictures is much more horrifying than the reality, really.   Of course, now I have to deal with insurance and estimates and blah blah blah but uh, I’ll gladly do that, to be able to walk away.  Even if with a limp.

I am thankful that for whatever reason (and I don’t care the reason) for the first time since our divorce, the girls’ dad and I have found a way to be co-parents together and work together without trying to kill each other.  We have found a peace and understanding between us and that makes the girls’ lives easier too.  And frankly, that’s what it’s all about.

I am thankful that my brother won’t be home for the holidays this year.  Well, not really thankful that he won’t be home. I am thankful that he is on US soil and has the freedom to make the choice where he will be spending the holidays.  With a brother in the military, holidays are always touchy because we never know if he will get to be home or even on US soil.  And if he is, we are eternally grateful that he is, but also a bit guilty that we get him home while there are families out there who haven’t seen their loved ones in months or even years.

I am thankful that I get the opportunity to write with a great group of women over at Buy-Her.com.  I love to write, (although you can’t tell it by looking at my own blogs) and I love to shop and writing for Buy-Her.com combines the two and that rocks.  My Drama Tweens also love the idea of trying out new things and helping me write about it for Miss Britt.    So I am thankful to Britt for giving me the opportunity to combine two things I love and share that experience with two people I love.

I am thankful for my work bestie who shares her birthday with me.  Everyone needs someone in their life who is always there to remind you that your awesome far outshines everyone else’s awesome.   I know that we are good enough friends that she would take me and the girls in if we needed a place to live.  She knows we are good enough friends that I would never ask that of her.

I am thankful for all you guys too.  For the support and friendship you have shared with me this year has touched me in ways I can’t put into words.  And when you leave me with a lack of words, you’ve accomplished something.  Thank you for coming by and reading this stuff every day, thank you for leaving comment love, thank you for the kind thoughts, the heartfelt prayers, the well wishes, the swift kicks in the ass when I need them, and the friendship you all have offered throughout the year.  I cherish you all.

Now, go do a whipped cream shot (or ten) and get your thankfulness on!