The Stages of Dating According to Ms Batman, (that's me)

I have no real authority on this subject at all.  I mean, really, look at my track record, three strikes, I’m out.

But something struck me last night.  Are there stages of dating?  And if there are, what are they?  So, once again, I went to the keeper of all internet knowledge,  Google,  and typed in “Stages of Dating”  Guess what?  There are people out there who have alphabets behind their name that have opinions on the matter.  Of course sometimes I think if you’ve got alphabets behind your name you probably have an opinion on most things.

So, because I wasn’t all that serious about this, I started with The Five Stages of Dating.  I can handle 5.  (also people, hover over the link, the note? Revealing)  The 5 Stages of Dating, according to this website are:

1. Attraction
2. Uncertainty
3. Exclusivity
4. Intimacy
5. Engagement

Ok, that’s fine, and dandy and, well, frankly bullshit.  Sure, to a person with a lot of letters behind their name, I am sure these are what they think are the stages of dating.  From someone who’s recently been in the trenches, let me set this record straight.

1. Chatting on line Let’s be honest, in this day and age, what with people working eleventy billion hours a week, and working on line at home,  it’s easy to meet people on line and get to know them.  Also? Don’t have to do your hair or shave or change out of your PJ’s. BONUS!
2. Hanging out  This happens after spending hours, days, weeks chatting on line and get to know each other.  When you feel you know the person well enough and are interested enough to actually want to do your hair, shave your legs, and wear something besides your PJ’s.
3. Dating  Once it’s been established he has a job, and can afford to take you out to some place besides the park, the zoo, or the nearest coffee shop, you go on a few actual dates.  Dates that include but are not limited to, him picking you up, and going out to dinner at a place that does not have value meals.  It is required that you do your hair, shave your legs and hide your PJ’s.
4. Friending each other on Facebook This is when you’re ready to let him see some of the crazy, although once you friend him on Facebook, you immediately take down all pictures and untag yourself in your friends’ pictures of you looking anything less than stunning.
5. More than dating, but not a full blown couple yet  Yeah, I’m not sure exactly what this means either.    Although I’m pretty sure it includes sex along the way, but I’m not real clear on the regularity of that. Also?  Hair and PJ’s optional.  Shaving legs? NOT OPTIONAL
6. Boyfriend/Girlfriend This is the same as exclusivity, which by the way sounds like a totally made up word. This is when you both agree that you won’t spend your idle time laughing at the losers still on the dating sites unless you’re together and can both laugh at them.  This is when you buy new cute boyfriend worthy PJ’s but continue to do your hair and shave your legs.  What?! A girl has an image to uphold until he puts that ring on her finger.
7. Changing your relationship status on Facebook  Ok this one is tricky.  It’s a public acknowledgement that you two are together and right now that is the most awesome of all things awesome.  But there might come a day when things aren’t so awesome between the two of you and if one of you ends things, then it will also be public knowledge that you two broke up.  You only have to look to Hollywood divorces and break-ups to see just how ugly this can be.
8. Engagement  I’ve heard about this phase, but since I’ve only been engaged once, and that was just because the stick turned blue, (and then it was a short engagement.. 2  months) I don’t know much about it.  Other than I have no plans to ever reach this stage ever again.

With all these hoops to jump through, is it any wonder I’m going to stay single?

 

I live with Bert and Ernie only with vaginas.

People? This is the best Bert and Ernie book. Ever. It was one of my sister’s favorites when she was a child.  Ok, I don’t know that for a fact. It was one of MY favorites when she was a child.

If you haven’t read it, (and clearly most of you probably haven’t) it’s the story of how Ernie bought some cookies but broke the cookie jar, so he has to put the cookies in the sugar bowl, and the sugar in a flower-pot, and one thing leads to another ending with the fish in Bert’s cowboy hat.  So Bert has to wear a pot on his head when he wants to play “Ride ’em cowboy.”   People? That is a direct quote, do not laugh at me.

This weekend, the girls and I stopped at Sonic on our way back from The Lake. (who we were with is a blog post for another day).  A few miles down the road,  the following conversation took place in the back seat of the car.

Newt: Here, Tate, Hold your Sonic food.

Tate:  Why should I hold my Sonic food?

Newt: Because I have to put my food in your Sonic Bag.

Tate:  Why can’t you put your food in your bag?

Newt: Because mine has a soda in it.

Tate: Why does your bag have a soda in it?

Newt: Because the cup holder is full.

Tate: The cup holder is full?  Of what?

Newt: Books.

Tate: What?  Why are their books in the cup holder?

Newt: Because I don’t want them on the floor on my feet.

Tate: So what I supposed to do with my Sonic food if you’re using my bag?

Newt: Hold it on your lap?

People?  I can not make this shit up.

Comfort Zones: Who needs em?

This weekend?  Full of all kinds of lessons.

Britt wrote on her blog Friday about being ready and able to say “Yes” when opportunities arise.  Being able to grab the opportunity, being open to accepting it.  While she’s talking about herself being able and ready and open to accepting the invitation to go to Paris for a month, or travel the country for a year, I’m taking much smaller baby steps. But to me? Are just as profound.

For the past four years my life has been the same.  Live at my house Sunday night through Thursday night.  Go to work, send girls to school, dinner, homework, laundry, whatever during the week.  Friday night through Sunday evening?  Stay at Brian’s house. I never accepting invitations to plans with any of my friends from work on the weekends, because my weekends were spent at Brian’s house.  I never accepted invitations to anywhere with anyone because Brian is such a homebody that when he gets home from work, he doesn’t want to go out anywhere.  And going without him? Just wasn’t something I would have done. He would have gone with me if I had insisted, or he would have said I could go without him, but, well, I just never did.  That’s just the way our life was.  Homebodies.

Now, though, I don’t have anyone to answer to.  On the weekends the girls are at their dad’s, I have nobody else to consider but myself. I can go out with my friends if I want, I don’t have to turn down opportunities, or invitations.  I am free to go and do as I please.  And learning to step outside my comfort zone, (and my house) is taking some getting used to.

Take for example, last week.  I get a text from my friend Hateful Bitch, whom I haven’t seen since I moved to The Lou, and haven’t talked to nearly as much or as often as I should.  I will admit to neglecting our friendship.  So, her reaching out to me, makes her a way better friend than I am. Anyway, she texts she’s going to be down here in The Lou Friday night, maybe we could get together, hang out?  Turns out I’m taking the girls to their dad’s that night, and won’t be back until 9:00.  Ok, breakfast or lunch the next day?

Sure.

Come Friday, plans start to change.  And here’s where I have to step outside of my comfort zone.  Instead of meeting Saturday for breakfast, she asks if she can just come crash at my place.

Sure.

My house? Very simple. No cable/satellite TV, no internet, (and as of this past week.. no DVD player. We’re down to VHS here people. OLD VHS.  Like my television is almost never on now.) I live in a little hole in the wall town, and? I need to go grocery shopping.  I have almost no food in the house.  Coffee? Yes.  Food? Not so much.  Seriously.

All kinds of inviting and house guest ready I am.

Instead, she asks “If I get a hotel room downtown would you drive downtown and hang out with me there?”  Uh, let’s see… hotel, cable, internet, a bar…

HELL YES!

And that’s stepping outside my comfort zone.  Instead of going home after dropping the girls off, I plugged the address of the hotel into the GPS and drove downtown.  Something you should know about me?  I HATE driving downtown, but I will. During. The. Day. when I can see.  I HATE with a passion driving downtown at night.  Especially when I have no idea where I am going.  Add to that the fact that the hotel was three blocks away from the hockey game that just ended when I got downtown, and traffic was a clusterfuck.  I was way the hell outside my comfort zone. (I was wishing I had Brian because he always drove downtown at night. But if there was Brian, I wouldn’t have been at the Union Station Marriott, I’d be at his house sleeping in his bed instead of hanging out with my girlfriend)

And I did it all for Hateful Bitch.

Also? Other lesson learned? No matter how young and hot the guy offering to buy you a shot of Petron is… the shot? Won’t be worth it.  Petron will kick your ass. Hard. Especially when the bartender has a heavy hand and the shot? Is like three fingers.  Never shooting tequila again. Never.  (and nothing happened with young hot Petron shot buying dude. Nothing.)

One more lesson learned?  The Marriott at Union Station?  Charges you a fuckton of money for their rooms and valet parking and being right there at Union Station.  AND? Apparently internet.  It’s a fucking NICE hotel. And they can’t give you free WiFi.  WTF?