Unless I personally put it in your face, it's none of your business

For those of you who haven’t been with me from the beginning, there will be a short history lesson in today’s post.

For a whole lot of reasons in my history, trust is an issue with me.  (God I hate that sentence.  Trust is an issue. No it’s not.. lack of trust is a problem.)  I don’t trust well, or easily.  But this isn’t really about trust… this is about privacy. Maybe it’s more about respect.

Anyway… to the history lesson.  Shortly after I first met Brian, I let my over active,  non-medicated, bipolar imagination get out of hand and I broke his trust, violated his privacy (or at least tried) and totally disrespected him. (in an ironic twist of fate.. he returned the favor several times… with much success…. but that’s not part of the lesson)

My life is all over the internet, if you know where to look.  Ok, not my entire life, but a lot of my life is plastered everywhere if you want to spend 5 minutes stalking me.  Some parts of my life are very public, some are very private.

Brian always kept his laptop password protected and guarded, and when I thought we were sharing a life together it kind of bothered me that there was this part of his life that was kept from me.

Until yesterday.

Then?  I got it.

Yesterday, I was showing someone this really awesome picture I took last Friday.

Which, if you ask me, is a truly awesome picture.  Apparently Corvettes haul more than ass.

I pulled it up on my iPod Touch, and showed this person.

They reached and took it out of my hand.  I turned to answer the phone.  When I turned back around? They were thumbing though all of my photos on MY iPod Touch.

I immediately took it back from them, asking “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Just looking through your pictures.

Uh, those pictures? Are none of your business.  I didn’t give you permission.

There are some out there who would argue the fact that when I gave him the iPod to look at one picture I implied permission to look at all my pictures.  I call BULLSHIT on that.

Sure, there is nothing illegal about what the person did, it was underhanded and schmarmy and uncool. And at that point I wanted to stab them.  I still want to bitch slap them.

Yesterday I got it.  I got why Brian kept his laptop password protected.  I got why he valued his privacy.  While I put a whole lot of my life on the internet, I don’t put everything out there.  And what I don’t put on the internet, or personally show you?

Is none of your business.

Days of Truth, Day 3, Forgiveness

Day 3 of the 30 days is Something you need to forgive yourself for. Great jumping-elmo-on-a-pogo-stick how long do we have here people?

I can start off with the obvious… there is this, or shall we include this?  (sorry if the links in those posts don’t work, I’m still rebuilding my archives). Believe me I have a laundry list as long as War and Peace of things I ‘should’ forgive myself for.

That’s the thing about me, I can forgive a whole lot of people a whole lot of things, a whole lot of times, but when it comes to me? Yeah, not so easily, not so often, not so much..

It’s easy to say “I was a total card carrying member of the fucked up freak show because I have BPD”.  It was easy to blame all the shit going wrong in my life on my BPD because in doing that I didn’t have to take any sort of responsibility for anything I did in my life.

TOTAL FAIL.

I am not proud to admit that it took me entirely too long to finally get a clue and figure out that well, I am ultimately responsible for my own decisions and I am *not* my disease and I have to take responsibility for my life.

I am on medication now.  That helps.  It also eliminates my ‘excuse’.

But I still have to learn to forgive myself for my past.  I am not the perfect mother, I am not the perfect girlfriend. I was not the perfect wife (clearly).  But I can find a way to forgive myself.

Eventually.