This is where I draw the line.

It’s been 10 days since I saw Brian and his entire family for who they really are and walked away.   Yes, I know,  I can see the eye rolls out there, the “here we go again” deep sighs, the “When will she ever learn?” questioning looks.

This time?  I walked away.  This time it was my choice.  This time I get it.  I saw what I had been ignoring for years.  I saw him, them, for who they really are and I can’t accept that.  No, that’s not true.  I can accept they are who/what they are.  I can’t accept that into my life.    And so this time, I shut the door.  This time I walked away.  This time I said “I’m done.  I want no part of this any more.”

And that?  Makes all the difference, apparently.

Because there is no nagging doubt, no lingering hope, no strings  left dangling hoping to tie me to him yet again.  This time, it was a clean and final break. Cutting all ties.  Walking away, saying good bye.  Knowing, *knowing* really knowing this time, I’m done.

I am letting go of the past.  I no longer think about ‘what’s he doing today?’  I no longer worry about if he’s at work, or off, of what is happening in his life.  In fact,  have had zero contact with him.

And that, my friends, is peace.

There have been no tears.  None.  He is no longer worth them.  He is not worthy of me.  I am so much better than him, better without him.

Now, that something better.   Right now I believe that something better is just the peace of mind knowing this time, I’m finally done, and this time it’s over, forever, and this is really the best thing I could do.  The letting go, the saying good-bye, the lifted weight,  the freedom to be me without worry.

I live my life now for me.  Without having to answer to anyone but me.

So much so, that last Friday, when I picked up the girls, I drove an extra half hour to have a birthday dinner with one of my girlfriends because she asked, and I had nobody I had to get home to.  Then?  I drove another hour to The Lake, to see a friend I hadn’t seen in years, because I could.

And I had a blast.  I laughed, I relaxed, I played, I enjoyed… all because I could. Because I didn’t have to answer to him, or anyone.  Because I was on my time schedule, not someone else.

It was heaven.

And for a while, all those years ago,  I thought that Brian was The One.  And maybe he was.  Maybe he was The One to teach me Here is the line in the sand.  He is where you stand, this is what you believe, and this, *this* is not negotiable.

That is important stuff to know.

Like the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of being important to someone, the feeling of being special.  And just maybe that friend you haven’t seen in years will be just the person to remind you of that.

What the world doesn't need now. Or in the future. Or ever.

Once again there is internet drama. Once again I am drawn to it. OK, I’m not drawn to it. I made the choice to jump in. And by jump in I mean, I made the choice to read a blog post that referenced the blog post that caused the controversy. So, then, so that I could be informed, (and because I love a good train wreck) I went and read the controversial blog post written by Gretchen over at Jill’s blog Scary Mommy.

I was at work when I started reading it. Two paragraphs into it my head is ready to explode. So, I print it out and sit on it. I go back several times over the course of the afternoon, and each time my head is ready to explode. I wrote notes in the margin. I highlighted sentences. I read paragraphs out loud to co-workers.

And my head exploded.

I sent an email to my sister’s best guy/girlfriend who is my token gay man in my life, just to get his perspective on it. He had seen my link to it on my personal Facebook page, and was leaving a comment for me. He, clearly had a different perspective than I did.

His head didn’t explode. Well, at least it didn’t appear to have exploded, as the comment he left was clear, consice and well thought out, and relavent and well… much better than anything I was spouting off all afternoon. But he works in media.. he’s good at finding the right words.

I’m good at exploding heads.

And shooting off my mouth.

Mostly without thinking.

So, I sat on it a while longer. Like an entire 36 more hours. (mainly because I took the girls to a circus last night and didn’t have time to sit down and re-read it and think about it any more.)

My sister’s guy/girlfriend made a point on my personal Facebook page. “Being gay isn’t a matter of who you have sex with. The conversation needs to get out of the bedroom, and people need to realize that being gay is about who you love.”

I originally thought I’d just copy and paste Gretchen’s blog post here, and write my comments with it. But I know from past experience, when people do that they tend to nit pick to death every. single. detail. And that just sounds childish, catty, and petty. And I want to make a few valid points here. (I know, thought I’d try a change of pace.)

At first glance, it comes across that Gretchen has issues with her son’s fourth grade teacher who is ‘an open lesbian’ (Gretchen’s words). That’s where I started to get catty/petty. (well, actually it was about three paragraphs earlier, but that’s beside the point.) What exactly is “an open lesbian”? One who is out of the closet? (and jumping-elmo-on-a-pogo-stick can’t we find a better phrase than that?) Does she admit to being in love with another woman? The reason she’s concerned “came from a fear that the issue of her sexuality (the teacher’s), if discussed openly, would pull the focus of the class away from education and place it somewhere else.” (My sister’s friend also made the point “If any teacher is talking about sex they dont’ belong in the classroom, however, so long as we continue to equate homosexuality with sex and not love, we will keep missing the point.”)

Um, excuse me. Can I just point out, that if *any* teacher’s sexuality (wether they love a man, a woman, or a bologna sandwich) should be discussed openly in any classroom, the focus of that conversation had better be turned directly to the board of education, because frankly, that topic of discussion is totally and completely inappropriate. Period. Done.

But I read deeper. the very next paragraph she says “I would prefere my son’s teacher be someone who shared my belief system. I would prefer she be a heterosexual. If I had my choice, I’d prefer she be a Christian heterosexual.” Um, ok, Arian race too? (too far? Out of line?) “Not because I am afraid of gay people (I’m not). NOT because I hate gay people (I don’t). I just want my son to be surrounded by adults who support and practice our family’s value system.” And apparently, while she claims to not be afraid of gay people, and she claims she doesn’t hate gay people, it’s implied that she does just sort of wish they would go away. Or keep their ‘dirty little secret’ to themselves.

And just because my mind doesn’t work like the normal person’s mind, and my thoughts tend to go down the dark and twisted path at times, my question is this. What does she know about her friends who do share her family’s value system? What does she know about their sexuality? What if they are furrys? Or like bondage? Or role playing? Or other posititions besides missionary? Or they enjoy the occassional threesome?

The very next paragraph contains the following sentence. “I worry about anytime my children have contact with people outside of our family.” Really? Isn’t that a bit extreme? They have contact with people outside her family everytime they go anywhere. School. The store. Church. (and believe me, growing up as a preacher’s daughter.. I *know* that not everyone in a church shares the same family values.) Are the kids allowed to go to friends’ houses? Are they allowed to have friends over? Are they allowed to have original thoughts? Are they allowed to question the marchal law family values they are being raised under?

One final quote from Gretchen. “It’s my job to shape my child into the person I think he or she should be.” Your job to shape your children into the people *you* think they should be? Not raise them to be the people they are going to become. Not, give them the tools to live happy, productive lives. Not, quide them to be open minded accepting well rounded educated people. No, her children are being raise to be the people she thinks they should be. Let me tell you, there are a whole lot of people out there in the world who are being nothing like the people their parents thought they should be. And they are happy, healthy, well rounded, highly educated productive members of society.

The impression I got from this little blog post by Gretchen, isn’t so much about her son’s teacher’s sexual orientation. This is much more about Gretchen’s need to control her children and the world around them. And while I truly understand the Mother Bear Syndrom, wanting to protect our children for all things evil in the world (evil being firmly tongue in cheek. Save the hate mail). But protecting them? Sufficates them, stunts their growth, emotionally. Welome to the world where uh, diversity reigns. If she wants to surround her children with people who share their family values and are like minded then well, she’s going to have to go start her own colony on her own little island. It’s just impossible to avoid diversity. And not allowing your children to be exposed to different people, different values, different opinions, different cultures, different lifestyles is just creating more close minded bigoted intollerant people which, last time I checked, the world didn’t need. We’ve got plenty thanks.

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