I could write about

I could write about the funeral and how touching and moving and yes even in some places funny it was.

I could write about the wonderful hospice chaplin who 6 months ago didn’t know Dad at all, but in those 6 months forged a bond with him he is unlikely to forget.

I could write about the neice who wrote a goodbye letter to her ‘Uncle Grandpa’ that left the crowd humbled and in tears.

I could write about how it broke my heart to sit helplessly by while Batman and Scooter sat beside me tears streaming silently down their cheeks.

I could write about how EW decided to make this entire past week a power struggle not only with Batman over the kids, but with me over my place in the family.

I could write about how the youngest grandbaby, not yet three, told her mommy repeatedly at the gravesite service “I want to go inside. I don’t want to be here anymore” and we all silently nodded, because none of us wanted to be there anymore either.

I could write about the bottles of Martel that were placed in Dad’s casket, just in case when he got to Heaven God’s bar didn’t carry “the good stuff”.

I could write about the penny I dropped this weekend, and when Scooter picked it up and gave it back to me he said to me “Here, I love you too.”.

I could write about how I think Bat Mom summed it all up best yesterday when she told friends that “I hurt for me because I miss him so much, but I can’t hurt for him because he finally whole again.”.

I could write about how I am having a really hard time finding tears to cry for him because when I think of Dad now, I see him walking rolling hills of grass with the dogs bounding around him, barking and playing and they are all laughing and having a wonderful time.

I could write about the rest of the weekend.  I could write about how it was just family at Casa de la Batman, and that included me and the kids.  I could write about the laughter, and the memories, and the few remaining tears.

But our life is going on.  And while Dad won’t be here to physically share our days with us any more, we all know that he’s in our hearts and well, that’s comfort enough.

Pennies from Heaven

We lost my Aunt in a car accident the day after Christmas 1998.  At her visitation her youngest son insisted ‘Mom needs money’ so his brothers gave him some pennies to put in the casket.  For the following year, whenever any of us needed ‘divine intervention’ there always seemed to be a penny on the ground.  We would find a penny laying on the ground and know it was a penny from Heaven and that Aunt was watching out for us.

Thursday afternoon, when no one was around, I put 6 pennies in Dad’s casket.  One for each of the six ‘grandkids’.  I then told Scooter about the pennies.  From now until forever, whenever you find a penny you will know it’s Grandpa’s way of saying I love you from Heaven.

Last night Batman and I overheard Princess telling my girls “When you find a penny, that’s Grandpa saying I love you”.  Batman looks at me and says “I pay attention too.”  He had heard me tell Scooter, and had told Princess.

But from now until forever, whenever any of them find a penny, they will know that it’s Grandpa’s way of saying I love you.

Brain Dump

I was up at 3:00 AM this morning because my head wouldn’t shut up. I’ve got so much running around up there due to I haven’t had time to sit and write all week. So excuse me while I just dump the contents of my brain out here.

• Last Friday after dropping the kids off to spend the week with their dads, I came back to Casa de la Batman, and haven’t been home since. Spending the weekend was expected, Monday night was a bonus and then Tuesday and well, I’m still here. Tonight, after the funeral, I’ll take the kids home to our house. I am not looking forward to that.
• Yesterday was Dad’s visitation. Right before we were to leave, the girls called from Slug’s. They thought they felt an earthquake. While talking to them about that excitement, Batman came up and slipped a diamond tennis bracelet around my wrist. Beautiful. OMG. Don’t get excited, I’m sure I’ll have to give it back today after the funeral, but yesterday, I felt like a princess. Yes, I slept with it too.
• GFTP was at visitation. The first hour was for immediate family only, with an open casket. Then the casket would be closed when visitation was opened to the public. Somehow she ranked family time. I happened to wander into the parlor when she was standing at the casket with mom and Batman. I knew she would be there, I didn’t realize she was immediate family, but whatever. It’s no secret mom wants her for a daughter-in-law. It’s also no secret that will never happen. I sat at the back, being very respectful of them, but when mom saw me in the back, she immediately went to the Aunts and started whispering and pointing at me, and the Aunts turned around and looked at me and whispered back. And while I don’t know what was said, I can only imagine. It really pissed me off.
• Batman did introduce me to GFTP. I was not impressed. She was rude, (and ugly.. WTF did he ever see in her?) She barely acknowledged me, and acted as if I had no right to be there. Guess what? It’s not about what you want/think. After she left, I promptly forgot about her. Sort of.
• EW was there too. And for a minute, I was glad. Finally somone else who loved Batman and his family, and yet, was an outsider. Until her 20 year history with the family kicked in, and she was included. I instantly became invisible.
• Invisible is easy when Mom wishes you didn’t exist. Everyone (Batman excluded) takes their cue from her. I could have gone home at any point, and wouldn’t have been missed much.
• I know that I’m not family, and I stayed out of ‘family’ things, and stayed in the background, and was there for Batman when he needed me. But the constant reminders that I’m not family, and the proverbial slaps in the face yesterday were exhausting. And hurtful.
• Batman knew something was wrong, and I tried to tell him all the while playing it off, making it less than it really was. I tried to play it off as she’s under a lot of stress, and she’s just not herself right now. The last thing he needs is to feel torn between me and his mother.
• There have been times this past week that I have never felt closer to Batman, and times when we might as well have been in two seprate universes. I have never loved him more than I have this week.
• Today is the funeral. More hell and games for me. At least this isn’t going to be about socializing and I’ll actually get to stand beside Batman the entire time. (Unless Mom banishes me to back of the chapel)
• I hate that Dad’s funeral has caused all this drama. There has been major drama between Batman and EW about the kids attending or not attending. I’ve done my level best to stay out of the middle. Not an easy task when your best friend is your boyfriend’s ex wife.

Thank you all for your condolences.  He was well loved, as was apparent by the throngs of people at the funeral home last night.  He will be missed deeply.

Strong, stoic and brave

The house is quiet today.

The television is off.

Dad’s laptop is dark.

Batman is napping.

He’s holding up.  He’s being strong and brave and taking care of all that needs to be taken care of.  He’s attending to details.  He’s taking care of mom.

And every now and then he looks at me and I can see in his eyes the hurt, the loss.  I can see how lost he is.  I can hear him silently pleading with me, “Help.  I miss him so much.”

Batman has lost his best friend.

He keeps his tears to himself.  He watches me to make sure I don’t fall apart.   I want to ease his fear and tell him, “It’s ok to fall apart.  You can, I won’t.  Cry.  Yell.  Grieve.  And I’ll be here to hold you through the storm.”

The storm will come.  When everything else is done.  When the arrangements are made, the goodbyes said, the life celebrated and the loss mourned.  When it’s all said and done and the rest of us get back our lives, the storm will come.  It will be then that Batman (and his mother) realize the emptiness of the house without Dad.

Until then he’s strong, and stoic and brave.

My Goodbye

We knew this was coming.  We have known since Christmas that we were on borrowed time.  Every day was a gift we didn’t expect to get.  He lived like he had 1000 days left, and he lived as if today was his last.

The past week was hard.  Reality was becoming more of a place he visited instead of a place he lived.  His breathing was harder, his balance less unsure.  He slept sitting up, sometimes even standing.  We had to always be on guard with him.

Friday night he got a grand total of 6 hours sleep.  A blessing.  Saturday his mind was sharp, his balance spot on.  He made me one of his bloody Marys.  We all went out to lunch.  He had a good day.  He wanted to go out on the boat.

Sunday, Batman and I took him to the lake and out on his boat.  He sat there feeling the wind in his face.  We stopped, and threw out a line for him.  He sat and fished, listening to the ballgame on the radio.  He was happy.

That day took it’s toll.  His mind wasn’t as sharp that night or the next day.  He would have moments of clarity, but they were few.  He was independent to the end.

Yesterday AM I got up and went downstairs (I’ve been staying at Bat Manor when the kids are at their dads’) for coffee.  Dad was already up, at his laptop, reading emails.  We flirted like we always do.. Hey Good Looking how long have you been up?  We shared a cup of coffee.  He sent me upstairs with a “Better get that coffee upstairs before he’s cranky”.

He sat at the table, dozing.  I reached out and patted his hand, checking on him, he looked at me, reached for my hand and squeezed it.  “I love you too Dad”.

Yesterday at 8:30AM he started having trouble.  Hospice was called. His favorite nurse came to be with him.  She worked on him for 3 hours.  She got him stablized.   He was calm and resting, his vitals were stable.  Mom laid down beside him for just a second, and dozed off.  While she slept he saw his chance.  Her attention was elsewhere, and he quietly slipped away.

He’s at peace.  He can laugh, and breathe and sing.  I’ve been told he had a beautiful singing voice.  He’s playing with Skeeter and Remy (his two favorite dogs who went before him and have been waiting at the gates for him, I’m sure).  There was a dog party last night.  The Card’s won their ballgame last night.  I’m sure he was sitting right behind home plate.

Mom prayed yesterday in the midst of his struggle.. Lord if you’re going to take him, take him now, and take him quick so he doesn’t suffer.

He went in his sleep.

He is at peace.

I have no words

3:57 PM

July 29, 2008

He breathed his last breath.

He is finally at peace.

The battle finally over.

Good bye Bat Dad.  You were one of the good guys.  You are loved and missed.