In which I spill one of my deepest darkest secrets

You might want to pull up a seat, get comfortable.  Might be wise to put down your drink, or at least be aware of the spit-your-drink-all-over-your-computer-screen potential this blog post might have and take all necessary precautions.  To some of you who have been with me for a while this won’t come as a complete and total shock.  To you newbie readers, (and to everyone I work with who reads my blog) this is news to y’all.

I don’t even know where to begin to tell this story.

I spent the longest time blaming the problems in my life on other people. It was easy enough to believe that the girls’ dad was an asshole and that my life would be much better/easier if he would just pay his child support.  It was easy enough to convince myself that Brian wasn’t being nearly as supportive as I thought he should be. (the truth was he was being way more supportive than he needed to be).  My life was a complete and total mess because everyone else in my life had let me down or wasn’t holding up their end of the bargain.

The problem with blaming my shitty life on everyone else is that, that leaves it up to them to make it better.  My life was never going to get better, as long as I left the responsibility up to them.  In order to get my life on the right track I was going to have to own up to the mess I was in, take responsibility for my part of it (which was approximately 99.8% of it) and change it.

Last night, I finished cleaning up a major part of the mess that used to be my life.  For those of you who have been with me for a couple of years, you already know that I spent two weeks in jail in 2008. (insert screen spit guard here).  For those of you who are new here, that’s a link to the Chronicles. They aren’t quite done yet (I’m recreating them from when my blog ate my archives.) but you get the jist of it.

I want to say that those two weeks were enough to wake me up and make me take control of things and get it cleared up.  I can’t.  Sure it was a wake up call, but I still let things slide, and it caught up with me.  The final verdict was, 2 years probation in one county (which was completed and discharged in September of this year) and 14 days is jail in the other county.

Due to the fact that I’m a single parent and the girls’ dad lives half a state away, I was allowed to serve my time, 24 hours at a time, every other weekend.  So starting April 17^th, every other Saturday night at 6:00 PM, I would show up at the county jail, check in, be booked in and spend 24 hours in a holding cell.

Last night, at 5:30 I walked out of the county jail for the last time.  My 14 days have been served, and my probation has been discharged and for the first time in over two years, I have nothing hanging over my head.  For the first time since I moved to St. Louis, I am free.  My life is now, finally my life with nothing looming over me.  I have a fresh start.

I can’t begin to put into words how good it feels to finally step up and take responsibility for my life and know that I’ve worked hard to get to this place, but that’s just it. I have worked hard. I got to this place on my own.  My life, for the first time, is good. Really good. I’m beginning to realize dreams coming true.  I’m begging to see results from hard work.  Dare I say it? I’m beginning to be proud of who I am.  Proud of what I do.

I’ve been back to court and won a custody battle for the girls.  (Tate has gone on to become a cheerleader this year in school) I’ve managed to keep a roof over our heads and food on our table without child support for over two years now.  For the first time since our divorce, the girls’ dad and I seem to finally be on the same page and have found a way to be friends and I can’t begin to put into words what a relief that is.

I could say that part of my refusal to take responsibility for my fucked up life had to do with my BPD.  My life was a trainwreck when I was not being treated, or treated properly, for BPD.  Once I found a good doctor and we started working on my medications only then did I step up to the plate and take control and responsibility for my own choices, actions, life.  Only then did I start to turn it around.

So, I stand here today, free.  To everyone else, that’s called Monday.  To me, it’s something new and exciting and full of promise and hope and potential.

A Happy New Year indeed

As 2008 draws to a close, I sit here remembering what a roller coaster ride it’s been.  But here I am, survived this year.  With one last thing hanging out there… The girls’ custody.

That is until I went by the house and checked the mail.  There it was.  The letter from the court.  I was sure that when it came I would want Batman by my side when I opened it.  I was convinced I would need him to read it so sure was I that I wouldn’t be able to deal with the news it held.

Standing there tonight, holding that letter, I knew.  I opened the door, I sat on the edge of my bed, and opened the letter.  I scanned the letter, looking for signs of what it held.  When no deamons jumped out at me, I read it slowly, carefully.

After due consideration, Court finds insufficient evidence to conclude that there has been a substantial change in circumstances such as to support a modification of the prior decree.  The Motion to Modify has been denied.”

That means that tomorrow when the girls come home, they will be coming home.  This means that I still have sole custody of the girls, and that he still owes me child support.  Owes me as far back as June.  And he’s unemployed.  I’ll get it somehow. I always do.  That means that I stood before that judge with nothing but the truth, and stood against Slug and his Cunt of a Lawyer, and I won.  Much like David slayed Goliath, I slayed this dragon.

So, I will celebrate tonight, the end of a very long hard year, full of hard to learn lessons, but I’m getting better.  I’m getting it together and now, I can continue to get it together.  There was insufficient evidence to conclude there has been a substantial change in circumstances such as to support a modification.

Batman told me two years ago… When have you ever gone into court against him, and not come out of there with every thing you want?  The answer to that is..never.

Happy New Years!