The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn…

What does love look like?  What is love?  Will I ever find it?  Will it ever stay?

All valid questions.

Love is a choice we make each and every day.  It isn’t something that just happens, not some place that we fall, it’s a choice.

For some, it’s an easy choice to make each and every day.  For others, it’s a struggle, one they choose not to make.

I am looking for love.

There… I said it.  I’m looking for love.  But before I can find it I have to define it, at least for me.  What does love look like, what do I want it to be?

I read Britt’s post today about/for Jared and my heart ached with an emptiness from a lack of deep, true, giving, unselfish love.  I want to be able to love someone that much, and be loved that deeply, that truly, that unselfishly in return.

Loving me isn’t easy.  My bipolar makes it a real challenge.  Even when it’s under control and medicated, I’ve learned medication isn’t always the answer and doesn’t always work.  My medication and treatments have to be switched and changed and tweaked a lot.  That is a challenge, and it takes it toll on me, and those around me.  It’s not something I chose, it’s not something I can help.  Loving me is a challenge.

And so far?

Nobody is up for it. At least not long term….

And I wonder if being bipolar, at least for me, means being alone for the rest of my life.  This isn’t the life I wanted.  This disease isn’t what I signed up for.  Even when it’s controlled, it’s still… a guessing game at best…

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and to be loved in return. Letting someone love you is hard.  That means you have to allow them to see your weaknesses and your flaws and trust that they can accept those things as well as your sparkling eyes and witty personality.

They say it’s out there.. you just have to go and find it.  I wonder sometimes if I ever will.

Because nothing screams dating expert like a twice divorced recently dumped single mom of two. Clearly.

I happen to be hanging out on Facebook when I saw Melissa say that yes, it was true, You Won’t Go Blind was looking for new writers if anyone was interested to contact her.

I thought it would be fun, so I fired off a message with links to here, and Buy-Her.com and said I was interested in being considered.  You know because nothing screams relationship expert quite as loudly as a twice divorced, recently dumped, now back in the dating world at the ripe age of 40+, mother of two almost teenage daughters.  I know exactly what I’m talking about. Clearly.

When I happened to mention this new adventure to a couple of my co-workers, after they stopped laughing long enough to take a breath, they asked me “So, has this woman ever met you?”   Well, clearly, no.  If she had?  I’d would have never been given this opportunity.

Of course, now, I can go on dates and consider it research.  As one friend pointed out “You can be St. Louis’s version of Carrie Bradshaw.”  Because that’s exactly what St. Louis needs.  Clearly.

In all seriousness, I can bring to the table knowledge about blending families, single parent dating, dating over the age of 40, on line dating (that’s where/how I met Brian, and regardless of where we are now (Splitsville, barely speaking Splitsville) we dated for 4 years) and unblending families.

I don’t have anything posted there yet, but believe me as soon as I do?  You all will be the first to know about it. I would appreciate it if you all would then spread the word and show me some love because I don’t want Melissa to regret giving me this chance.  I think it will be awesome beyond words and I need some support and love.  PLEASE.  We’ll keep the crazy from her until she realizes just how Awesome I am.

30 Days of Truth Fail

Yes, I realize I started something that should have given me something to write about for 30 consecutive days without having to think about it much at all.

And then? I failed.

Now, however, I have people linking to my first post and jumping on the bandwagon. Frankly they’re on their own because I suck at being a leader. I like to follow. I’m good at that. Leading? Not so much. And I’ve got kids. Scary thought huh?

Having said all of that, feel the need to sort of follow through with this 30 days of truth.

Day 2: Something you love about yourself

Which is really harder to write than something I hate about myself. I can list chapter and verse things I don’t like about me. But finding acceptance and god forbid, love something about myself, well… are you serious?

I love that I love photography. Of course, right now my photography website is currently under construction so I don’t have any examples of my photos. I hate that it’s been entirely too long since I put anything new on the website, but since it’s under construction I sort of have an excuse.

I love that I am a single mom raising two daughters with very little help from their father, and I am doing a good job at it. I love that I have cultivated the kind of relationship with them that gives them the security to come to me with any problems. We can talk about anything, and everything and that’s a great thing.

I love that I am taking steps to follow my dream of someday being something or somebody online and not just in my head. I don’t have dreams of grandeur of becoming a published author, (although I would never turn down that opportunity should I wake up and find this life is just a bad dream and I really am a famous writer) but I would like to have a blog with a decent following and I would love to be the writer I have always wanted to be. Which is sort of like Carrie Bradshaw with Louboutins instead of Manolos.

I love that I have the opportunity to work with a writer I have admired for several years now. (more on this later) When the opportunity presented itself I crossed my fingers, and jumped at the chance and I can not even put into words how much it means to me to be working with her.

I love that two years ago I was in a really bad place in my life, and now, two years later, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and will finally be able to put all of that behind me.

I love that in the midst of all of this I finally pulled my head out of my ass and learned a few things and got my shit together and finally, at 42, seem to have a clue, and finally know what it’s all about.

Tomorrow or Day 3 is Something you have to forgive yourself for. You all might want to bring comfy clothes, a comfy chair, or pillowblanket combo, and drinks. We could be here a while with that one.