An Job Application of Sorts

As I happened to mention in my previous post, I am now gainfully unemployed.  Yes, gainfully.  I am nothing if not optimistic.  I am currently looking for a job.  Clearly.  So I thought I’d start my job search on line.  After all, what could be aiming any lower than being unemployed?

Dear Aiming Low,

It’s been four months exactly, since I sent an email asking to join the Staff at Aiming Low.  I can only assume, given the influx of new talent as of late, that my email got lost in the shuffle or you haven’t gotten to it yet.  That’s ok.  I’m sending a new one.

See, in my first email, I suggested that maybe attaching a picture of my boobs would help with the application process.  That was four months ago.  I have since lost some weight, and my boobs?  Just like the old grey mare, they ain’t what they used to be.  BUT! Do not despair.  I have an amazing friend who said she would do anything in her power for me.  Bury bodies, provide alibis, oh wait those don’t sound like selling points.  Never mind. Anyway my friend Laci has some amazing fully paid for boobs.  Yes, I’ve seen them, up close and in a women’s bathroom.  At work. (no, she is not the reason I don’t have a job. Neither are her boobs) She would send a picture of *her* boobs (which are way better than mine anyway).

If you’re looking for references, let me offer two you already have on staff. Miss Britt, and Jessica Bern. I have worked with Britt, at Buy-Her.  Of course, now that she’s on The Great American Road Trip, she doesn’t write at Buy-Her much anymore.  Neither do I, to be honest.  I was really great right out of the gate, but I kinda tapered off because of the drama in my life, and lack of medication.  Rest assured, I am well medicated and I don’t care about the drama any more.

If you go to my blog, you might not want to read the most recent posts, you know, because the source of most of my drama was being a total douchenozzle and I was exercising my inner demons on line.  But now that he’s gone, I’ll be bringing funny back much like Justin Timberlake brought Sexy Back. (a gratuitous JT mention goes a long way)

Also on your staff, Jessica Bern. Back in April, I left a comment on Jessica’s blog Bern This, about how I absolutely loved her vlogs and while I never watched videos at work (hello!? At work!) I watched hers because she was so fucking hilarious how could I not.  I told her, “I could very well get fired for watching your vlogs at work, or having to replace my monitors too many times from coffee spit on them.  So, in the event I get fired, can I come work with you?”  “(Hello, Jessica? Yeah, HI! Unemployed!  You kinda owe me this.  Yeah, not unemployed b/c of your videos though, does that make a difference?)

As for any kind of compensation for my work, if you read my blog, you will find that clearly I am cheap.  After all, I sold my soul for a mere $20 pair of stilettos. I am willing to work for cheap (read free) because the street cred alone is worth way more.  In fact, I’m sure if I put “Contributing author at Aiming Low” on my resume’ I could probably have a job by Wednesday.

I will forward a copy of my resume upon request, but I don’t see how that will make much of a difference.  I truly believe that my writing speaks for itself.  I will be sitting by my laptop most of the day today if you need me for an interview.

(Hint: To get the full level of funny, hover over the links… that’s where the comedy gold is.)

Sincerely,

I'm not here today, I'm writing with Miss Britt today at Buy-Her.com

Click here to read my review at Buy-Her.com

Today I’m over at Buy-Her.com reviewing Gillette’s Venus Tropical Disposable Razors.  Please? Go show me some love!

Thanks!!!!

How I am celebrating February 14th

Today is the day.  The one day I was determined to stay the hell off the internet because frankly, I didn’t want to see all the Tweets, posts, and Facebook status about how wonderful today is.  The problem?  I have reviews and guest posts popping up all over the place so I HAVE to be online pimping myself out.  What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than to announce to the entire internet “I can’t keep a boyfriend, I don’t have a date, but I can write a review about K-Y Personal Lubricant.  I mean who has more experience than me????”

Since I am forced to be online today, I can at least write about how I am celebrating Valentine’s day.  Which is to say?  I’m not.

The Law of Physics states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  The Principal of The Charmed Ones, says that for all the good in the world, there is an equal amount of Evil.  The theory of meeting Prince Charming says you have to kiss a lot of toads.  Ok, not quite the same, but you get my drift.

Mademoiselle Hautemess has come up with a great Holiday for all of us who have been unceremoniously dumped on our ass with a 7 word text the day after Christmas. No I’m not bitter are a bit jaded by the whole idea of love, to celebrate that offsets the hearts and rainbows and unicorns and love and kisses and moopy schmoopy bullshit that all you love invested people are trying to spread around the place.

Her Holiday?

Suck IT!

With this holiday you round up all your friends who are just as jaded, or who like to drink, and have them bring all their emails, cards, love letters, shirts, symbolic trinkets of past loves, people/places/memories/traditions from love gone wrong and offer it all up as a sacrifice by throwing it into a fire.  Sort of like Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel celebrated Valentine’s Day in Season One. Then you stand around singing Kum-Bye-Ya.  Or Leave! Get Out! by JoJo.  Whatever works for you.

So, after reading about this awesome celebration I gathered up all photos, printed all emails, gathered all cards, notes, tickets, memories, hopes, dreams and plans for the future and set out to the field behind my house.

Yeah, I feel much better now.  Happy Suck It! to all my single/jaded/drunk friends.  Happy Valentine’s Day to the rest of you.

A few gift ideas, you know, in case I'm on your Christmas list.

Tis the Season...

It’s that time of year again.  We spend a 4 day weekend stuffing ourselves silly with turkey, stuffing, pie and goodies because we know we are going to spend the next month running around like idiots with no time to eat, trying to get all our holiday shopping done.  The challenge is, buy the most for the least amount of money.  Or find something that looks expensive for next to nothing.  As the days wear on, and time runs out, it comes down to Grab-what-you-can-find-price-be-damned.

I will admit to having most of my Christmas shopping done.  Brian has taught me the fine art of researching everything on line, and doing the whole In-Store pick up business.    Find what I want, at the price I won’t choke on, and schedule it for pick-up on my way home.  No fighting crowds, no worrying about getting to the store and finding it out of stock.  Simple. Done.  And leaves way more time for margaritas at home.

This week, I haven’t been writing here, because I’ve been at my other places.  Go check out my review of Crayola Color Wonder Magic Light Brush paint set that we bought for Brian’s niece.  She loved it, and her dad was fascinated by it.

Then, when you’re done there, go check out my wish list of DVD Boxed sets over at Buy-Her.com.  In the midwest snow is not uncommon, and what better way to spend a snow day than curled up on the couch with hot cocoa and your favorite show on all day long.?  Go find out what’s on my list this year.

The blog post where I tell you where to go

No, not *that* way,  And absolutely *not* there,    I love you guys.

No, today, being Friday, and the start of the weekend, I’ve got two review posts that are up today.  And I’m super excited about them.

Buy-Her.com

First, is actually the second.   The first place I’m sending you is to Buy-Her to read my second review post over there. This review is about Kitty Kelley’s book Oprah, a Biography.  Go check it out.  The review I mean, then decide if you want to check out the book.

The second is truly the first.  The second review I’m sending you to, is my first review at my very own review site that I just started, Feeding my Addiction.   So go check out my first review of, what else? Stilettos.

Please, which ever one you read, or if you read both, leave a comment, and please tell your friends.   I am so excited to be working on both of these projects.    Thanks so much.  You’re awesome.