First love, True love, Forever love

I seem to be reading a lot of blogs lately and finding inspiration in them.  I’ve read several posts about Forever Loves.  At 43, I don’t believe I’ve met my forever love.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I never will. 

Sure I’ve been married. Twice. I knew neither of them would be forever.  I’ve been honest about the reasons I married them.  Neither was because I was head over heals I can’t live without him want to spend the rest of my life with him in love.  Oh, I did love them, as best I could as the person I was then with what I understood about love.  All of which was painfully inadequate. 

But they were not total failures.  I have three amazingly brilliant, funny, good looking, outgoing, wonderful kids. (yes, I’m wearing mommy goggles) I have a good relationship with my 2nd ex husband, and my 1st ex husband could fall of the face of the Earth and I wouldn’t hire the search party to find him.  Oh, there would be a party, just not the searching kind.

Then there was Brian. I can honestly say, from the beginning, I thought “This is it. This is forever love.”  The stubborn hopeless romantic still wonders what if.  (look, that’s honest, but it doesn’t mean it will happen, but you know, when you believe that this is it it’s hard to let go of that, no matter what.) After 5 years, and countless break ups, it’s probably a safe bet that he isn’t my forever love. 

But he was as close as I have ever gotten.  He’s probably as close as I’ll ever get. 

My first love? I was 12. In 7th grade.  His mom made him break up with me in 8th grade because she said he was getting too serious.  At the time I thought she was cruel and I cried for a week, my poor 12 year old heart was shattered for the first time.  I thought I would probably die.  Turns out, she knew him pretty well.. he tends to get a bit obsessive.

The thing is, I hear people talk of true love, forever love, lasting love, a certain security in knowing that while their partner could leave on any given day, they know that they know that they know that they won’t.  And that is something I’ve never had.  I’m willing to accept that I never will.  Does it tug at my heart? Sure it does. Who doesn’t want to find someone who loves them, accepts them, wants to be with them day in and day out and not just on good hair days?

I believe in true love, forever love, lasting love, committed love.  I just believe it exits for other people.  At 43, I’ve missed the boat.  I chose to give my heart to men who wouldn’t protect it, who would end up breaking it, sometimes over and over again.  I’m done giving my heart away.  It’s too beat up, banged up and bruised, used and abused, I’d be hard pressed to find anyone willing to put in the work to heal it.  I’d be even harder pressed to find someone I’d be willing to let try. 

Today, tomorrow, for the rest of her life, she chooses herself

He came to her, said all the right words, words she never thought she’d hear come from him mouth.

She didn’t believe them. She knew from before that he would do or say whatever it took to get what he wanted.

And he wanted to get laid.

And when he said it was up to her, her instincts said Damn straight it’s up to me.  Damn straight I don’t have to do it.

But the tiny voice back in the corner said “This time we hold all the cards. This time we call the shots. This time we say this is what we want and if you don’t agree, hit the road.  That power hungry little bitch voice actually thought they would be in control.  When had that ever happened?

But she laid it out anyway.  I’m not in this half way, I won’t settle for part time, I want a commitment, I want a future.  I want it all, or want nothing.

He agreed. (He wanted to get laid)

And then he went away, on vacation, and she didn’t hear from him for days at a time.  But she rationalized it, he’s busy on vacation.  He came home and they had the reunion she dreamed of.

And then he said we’re not really together, we’re more than dating, but taking things slow.

WTF does that even mean?  But she let it go.  Even though it clinched her gut and tore her heart a little.

And for a while things were fine, not perfect, not everything she wanted, but not altogether awful.  Until that fateful day at his work, when he told the guys “I’m never getting married again.”

That was more than a slap in the face to her, it was a gut punch.  He had let her believe that was an option in their future.  He told her he wanted the commitment, the family, the future.  This? She felt was a major betrayal.  He had promised her the ring and the wedding before, now, he denied he ever said it, and that she was crazy because he was never getting married again.

The best he could possibly offer her would be we might share an address, but we’ll never share a last name.

That was the beginning of the very end of the road for them.

He stopped calling as often, claimed to be busier.  There was always an excuse for why he hadn’t called.  He was busy. He was tired. He was driving. He was breathing.  He was arrogant.  He was self-centered.  The list went on and on as to why he couldn’t be bothered with her.

He even went so far as to say “I tried this weekend, and I got blown off. WTF is wrong with you?”  To which she found some balls and said “You tried? You tried this weekend?  Two days? Two days out of 14, and you got blown off?!  I try every fucking day. Every. FUCKING. Day and I get blown off.”

He just stopped called or answering her.  So she called his house, he said he’d call later.  She knew it was a lie.  He sent a text “I’m done, you haven’t been right since all I get is you bitching to me about not doing enough I’m tired of it. I get hurt and b/c I don’t spend all day on my phone you go crazy. Enough is enough.”

Later he admitted that he didn’t make the effort, he didn’t make the time, he didn’t even try.  And “call me a piece of shit, I don’t care anymore”.

It was then that she got to the end of their road together.  She knew she should have listened to her gut when he called her and asked and put the ball in her court.  She should have followed her heart and said “You’re right it is up to me, and I choose no.  I choose me.”

She’s choosing herself now.  She’s walked away, and she’s finished.  And she’s sure the day will come when he comes back again, because he’s sure he will always have the upper hand.

And when that day comes?  She will choose herself. Again and again.