Bankrupt

Yesterday I hit my brick wall.  Yesterday it took everything I had to get up and face the world and the people in it.

For weeks now, it seems, everyone in my life, personal, professional, everyone I had contact with wanted/needed something from me.  There was a long line standing in front of me with their hands outstretched, laundry lists in hands of wants and needs they had that they expected me to meet. Not a one of them had anything to give me in return.

My emotional, physical, financial bank accounts?  Empty.  There just was nothing left of me to give.  I couldn’t muster up the energy to give a damn about anyone else’s needs or wants.  I’d spent far too long meeting theirs and ignoring mine and I was bankrupt.

Every request was met with my mind screaming FUCK YOU! even though I did my best to function and meet their needs YET AGAIN knowing there would be nothing given back in return.  Not a thank you. Not a smile, not a pat on the back, not a break, not an option.

Last night I splurged (to ease my guilt) and bought dinner for the girls. Took it home, asked them to clean up their mess when they were done, and I went and crawled into bed and shut out the world.  I had nothing left.  at 7:30 I was in bed and as far as I was concerned the world ended at the edge of my bed.  I pulled the covers up to my chin and drifted away to where nobody wanted anything from me.  That I could do.  That I could give.

Today is better.  Today I can find the words to say “Enough is enough. I can’t do/give that right now.”  Today I have the words to say ‘I need this from you.”  Words I had forgotten/refused to use in the past, I am finding I have to use today.

It will take a few more days to get back to my usual self but I’ll get there.  I will do what I can for you, I will give what I can, but understand it won’t be everything.  I just can’t do that any more.