An Job Application of Sorts

As I happened to mention in my previous post, I am now gainfully unemployed.  Yes, gainfully.  I am nothing if not optimistic.  I am currently looking for a job.  Clearly.  So I thought I’d start my job search on line.  After all, what could be aiming any lower than being unemployed?

Dear Aiming Low,

It’s been four months exactly, since I sent an email asking to join the Staff at Aiming Low.  I can only assume, given the influx of new talent as of late, that my email got lost in the shuffle or you haven’t gotten to it yet.  That’s ok.  I’m sending a new one.

See, in my first email, I suggested that maybe attaching a picture of my boobs would help with the application process.  That was four months ago.  I have since lost some weight, and my boobs?  Just like the old grey mare, they ain’t what they used to be.  BUT! Do not despair.  I have an amazing friend who said she would do anything in her power for me.  Bury bodies, provide alibis, oh wait those don’t sound like selling points.  Never mind. Anyway my friend Laci has some amazing fully paid for boobs.  Yes, I’ve seen them, up close and in a women’s bathroom.  At work. (no, she is not the reason I don’t have a job. Neither are her boobs) She would send a picture of *her* boobs (which are way better than mine anyway).

If you’re looking for references, let me offer two you already have on staff. Miss Britt, and Jessica Bern. I have worked with Britt, at Buy-Her.  Of course, now that she’s on The Great American Road Trip, she doesn’t write at Buy-Her much anymore.  Neither do I, to be honest.  I was really great right out of the gate, but I kinda tapered off because of the drama in my life, and lack of medication.  Rest assured, I am well medicated and I don’t care about the drama any more.

If you go to my blog, you might not want to read the most recent posts, you know, because the source of most of my drama was being a total douchenozzle and I was exercising my inner demons on line.  But now that he’s gone, I’ll be bringing funny back much like Justin Timberlake brought Sexy Back. (a gratuitous JT mention goes a long way)

Also on your staff, Jessica Bern. Back in April, I left a comment on Jessica’s blog Bern This, about how I absolutely loved her vlogs and while I never watched videos at work (hello!? At work!) I watched hers because she was so fucking hilarious how could I not.  I told her, “I could very well get fired for watching your vlogs at work, or having to replace my monitors too many times from coffee spit on them.  So, in the event I get fired, can I come work with you?”  “(Hello, Jessica? Yeah, HI! Unemployed!  You kinda owe me this.  Yeah, not unemployed b/c of your videos though, does that make a difference?)

As for any kind of compensation for my work, if you read my blog, you will find that clearly I am cheap.  After all, I sold my soul for a mere $20 pair of stilettos. I am willing to work for cheap (read free) because the street cred alone is worth way more.  In fact, I’m sure if I put “Contributing author at Aiming Low” on my resume’ I could probably have a job by Wednesday.

I will forward a copy of my resume upon request, but I don’t see how that will make much of a difference.  I truly believe that my writing speaks for itself.  I will be sitting by my laptop most of the day today if you need me for an interview.

(Hint: To get the full level of funny, hover over the links… that’s where the comedy gold is.)

Sincerely,

Hateful Bitch, The Pirate, and me.

This weekend, I met another blogger in real life.  For a lot of you, that’s like what? A weekly occurrence? For me? Me… the homebody, the one who is just learning to say “Yes” to stepping outside my house/comfort zone? This is a first.

Five years ago I was just getting started in blogging.  I was just branching out and getting a few readers who didn’t share DNA with me, and I was reading other blogs. Hateful Bitch and I were working together and I shared my blog with her, and introduced her to a few of my favorite bloggers.

One of those bloggers was The Pirate.

Her stories of competing with The Gays over Halloween decorations? Had me peeing my pants with laughter. (You’ll have to go dig through her archives to find that shit, because she doesn’t have a search box on her blog.  And? I’m lazy. Sorry. But it is so worth the read! Trust me.)  She cracked me right the hell up.

Over the years, I stopped reading her blog but apparently Hateful Bitch and The Pirate struck up a friendship.

And this weekend, The Pirate was in The Lou for a conference.  (Some sort of vascular something or other conference.  I don’t know. I just remembered we decided that stabbing douchenozzles was ok, because it would be considered research for her conference.  We’re good with logic.  And justifications. Clearly.)

I met up with Hateful Bitch, and at the time was unaware of who The Pirate was, aside from Hateful Bitch’s friend.  When she finally told me who she is I was blown away.

The Pirate?  Is awesome.  She’s just as funny in real life as she writes.

And that making me laugh till I peed my pants thing?  I returned the favor.

Because I’m a giver.  I care.  Truly I do.