An Job Application of Sorts

As I happened to mention in my previous post, I am now gainfully unemployed.  Yes, gainfully.  I am nothing if not optimistic.  I am currently looking for a job.  Clearly.  So I thought I’d start my job search on line.  After all, what could be aiming any lower than being unemployed?

Dear Aiming Low,

It’s been four months exactly, since I sent an email asking to join the Staff at Aiming Low.  I can only assume, given the influx of new talent as of late, that my email got lost in the shuffle or you haven’t gotten to it yet.  That’s ok.  I’m sending a new one.

See, in my first email, I suggested that maybe attaching a picture of my boobs would help with the application process.  That was four months ago.  I have since lost some weight, and my boobs?  Just like the old grey mare, they ain’t what they used to be.  BUT! Do not despair.  I have an amazing friend who said she would do anything in her power for me.  Bury bodies, provide alibis, oh wait those don’t sound like selling points.  Never mind. Anyway my friend Laci has some amazing fully paid for boobs.  Yes, I’ve seen them, up close and in a women’s bathroom.  At work. (no, she is not the reason I don’t have a job. Neither are her boobs) She would send a picture of *her* boobs (which are way better than mine anyway).

If you’re looking for references, let me offer two you already have on staff. Miss Britt, and Jessica Bern. I have worked with Britt, at Buy-Her.  Of course, now that she’s on The Great American Road Trip, she doesn’t write at Buy-Her much anymore.  Neither do I, to be honest.  I was really great right out of the gate, but I kinda tapered off because of the drama in my life, and lack of medication.  Rest assured, I am well medicated and I don’t care about the drama any more.

If you go to my blog, you might not want to read the most recent posts, you know, because the source of most of my drama was being a total douchenozzle and I was exercising my inner demons on line.  But now that he’s gone, I’ll be bringing funny back much like Justin Timberlake brought Sexy Back. (a gratuitous JT mention goes a long way)

Also on your staff, Jessica Bern. Back in April, I left a comment on Jessica’s blog Bern This, about how I absolutely loved her vlogs and while I never watched videos at work (hello!? At work!) I watched hers because she was so fucking hilarious how could I not.  I told her, “I could very well get fired for watching your vlogs at work, or having to replace my monitors too many times from coffee spit on them.  So, in the event I get fired, can I come work with you?”  “(Hello, Jessica? Yeah, HI! Unemployed!  You kinda owe me this.  Yeah, not unemployed b/c of your videos though, does that make a difference?)

As for any kind of compensation for my work, if you read my blog, you will find that clearly I am cheap.  After all, I sold my soul for a mere $20 pair of stilettos. I am willing to work for cheap (read free) because the street cred alone is worth way more.  In fact, I’m sure if I put “Contributing author at Aiming Low” on my resume’ I could probably have a job by Wednesday.

I will forward a copy of my resume upon request, but I don’t see how that will make much of a difference.  I truly believe that my writing speaks for itself.  I will be sitting by my laptop most of the day today if you need me for an interview.

(Hint: To get the full level of funny, hover over the links… that’s where the comedy gold is.)

Sincerely,

I am thankful for things most people take for granted.

It’s been a year to be thankful for.   And yet, I find myself selling it all short.  I am thankful for things this year that most everyone else takes for granted.  I’m thankful that my legal issues are behind me and there will be no more weekends spent in jail.  And really, isn’t that on everyone’s list of things to be thankful for this year?

I am thankful that I finally have a place to live that is not a rat infested hell hole (there were no rats at any of the places I’ve lived.  An occasional mouse? Yes. Rats? No).  I have a place I can be proud of and I can have people over and the girls can have play dates and sleep overs and a social life.

I am thankful that I finally have my head screwed on straight.  I have finally figured out that I have to give up tanning and manis/pedis and Starbucks every day so that I can pay the rent and the utilities and buy groceries.  And see?  How this is simple basic economics that everyone else understands naturally but me?  The one who has a BS in Business Administration, who actually took economics and accounting and business management in college?  Took 42 years to get it.

I am thankful that I am on medication and makes all of the above things possible.  Sure I hate the fact that for the rest of my life I will have to be on medication just so I can function like everyone else manages to do on a day to day basis, but if swallowing a pill or two every single day means I live my life in relative comfort and security, then so be it.

I am thankful that I walked away from an accident that could have been oh so much worse than it turned out to be.  The pictures is much more horrifying than the reality, really.   Of course, now I have to deal with insurance and estimates and blah blah blah but uh, I’ll gladly do that, to be able to walk away.  Even if with a limp.

I am thankful that for whatever reason (and I don’t care the reason) for the first time since our divorce, the girls’ dad and I have found a way to be co-parents together and work together without trying to kill each other.  We have found a peace and understanding between us and that makes the girls’ lives easier too.  And frankly, that’s what it’s all about.

I am thankful that my brother won’t be home for the holidays this year.  Well, not really thankful that he won’t be home. I am thankful that he is on US soil and has the freedom to make the choice where he will be spending the holidays.  With a brother in the military, holidays are always touchy because we never know if he will get to be home or even on US soil.  And if he is, we are eternally grateful that he is, but also a bit guilty that we get him home while there are families out there who haven’t seen their loved ones in months or even years.

I am thankful that I get the opportunity to write with a great group of women over at Buy-Her.com.  I love to write, (although you can’t tell it by looking at my own blogs) and I love to shop and writing for Buy-Her.com combines the two and that rocks.  My Drama Tweens also love the idea of trying out new things and helping me write about it for Miss Britt.    So I am thankful to Britt for giving me the opportunity to combine two things I love and share that experience with two people I love.

I am thankful for my work bestie who shares her birthday with me.  Everyone needs someone in their life who is always there to remind you that your awesome far outshines everyone else’s awesome.   I know that we are good enough friends that she would take me and the girls in if we needed a place to live.  She knows we are good enough friends that I would never ask that of her.

I am thankful for all you guys too.  For the support and friendship you have shared with me this year has touched me in ways I can’t put into words.  And when you leave me with a lack of words, you’ve accomplished something.  Thank you for coming by and reading this stuff every day, thank you for leaving comment love, thank you for the kind thoughts, the heartfelt prayers, the well wishes, the swift kicks in the ass when I need them, and the friendship you all have offered throughout the year.  I cherish you all.

Now, go do a whipped cream shot (or ten) and get your thankfulness on!