Changing my mind set in the dating game

This dating business?

Sucks.

Seriously.  I know why we do this crap when we’re younger.

Because we can.

Because when we’re young, and the guy turns out to be a douchenozzle, or he blows you off, or stands you up, or disappears, or lied on his profile, or the date just sucks we truly believe “Heh, he’s the problem. Not me.”

Now that I’m older, and dating again?

Not so easy to sell myself that same bullshit. Even if it isn’t bullshit.

I haven’t blogged about it, but I’ve made no secret of it on Twitter, that a few weeks (months? really? has it been that long?) I went back to the dating website where I met Brian.  (What? It’s free!)  I’m not looking for my Prince Charming. He won’t be fishing anyway.  But it would be nice to have someone to hang out with so I don’t spend all my weekends at home alone.  Or out on the town alone.  Or drive my friends bat-shit crazy begging them to entertain me.

I made a few quick changes to my profile, added a new picture, and waited without any real expectations.  I didn’t wait long.  Hello?!? New fish in the sea, fresh meat. Everyone’s coming out to check out the new chick.  (Even a couple of girls. WOOt! Everyone wants a piece of me!) A lot of young guys, looking to hook up (ignore), a lot of ain’t-no-way-in-hell guys looking way out of their league (ignore), a few I talked to, but just didn’t feel any real need or want to talk to them on the phone or in person, and a couple I actually talked to on the phone, and a couple I actually met.

One guy in particular had some potential.  His profile had the same sense of humor I have.  I got it. I thought he gets it.  We exchanged a few messages, and then phone numbers.  Our first phone conversation was an hour long.  He’s on Twitter and Facebook (no I never went looking for him).  We exchanged real-life email addresses and emails and a few more phone calls… and then?

Gone.

Radio Silent.

His profile said “I’m taking a break. Good luck to all of you still fishing.”

But nothing to me. No phone call, no email. no text message.

I am not heartbroken over this. I figure this is part of the game.  Maybe he found someone he really connected with.  I wish him the best of luck, truly. But couldn’t he have told me that instead of falling off the face of the earth?

Or maybe he was abducted by aliens.

Or, when he got my real-life email address, he looked at my google profile, which links to my Twitter, Facebook, here, my review blog, and well, from there? It’s just follow the flashing neon lights to find out way more about me than you ever dreamed you wanted to know.

Of course, I figured, *that* had to be it.  That had to be the reason why he fell (or jumped) off the face of the earth.  He read my blog, he found my Facebook page, and my Flickr account, and everything else I have on line…

And ran scared.

Or jumped.

It took a little bit for me to realize how destructive that line of thinking was.  So what if he ran (or jumped) because of what he found?  What he found is a version of me.  Sometimes a cartoon version of me, but still… a version of me.  If he couldn’t handle it, didn’t like it, or was intimidated (yeah, that’s what it was… intimidation) he’s not the right guy.

I was all this on-line with Brian…oh wait, bad example.  That didn’t work out.

Ok, I have a lot of friends who know me in real life, and know the me that is on line and they like both versions of me.  But when push came to shove, when things fizzled, my first thought was “What was wrong with ME?” and it should have been “What the hell is wrong with him?” or “Oh, well, he just doesn’t get me.  Next!”

I had a date this weekend.  With a guy. Saturday night.  And I didn’t drink any alcohol.  (thanks Petron) The date? Almost perfect.  All on my own.  Without my best friend tequila.  And if this one doesn’t work out either?

I’ll be batting about average.

What I AM allowed to say.

I write on line, obviously.  But I have learned over the years since I started blogging, that not everything needs to be on-line.  Since I started filtering what I blog about, (and by filter, I mean actually consider that there are other people involved in some of the stories I tell) I have seen the ramifications of that decision.  I don’t write here, every single day like I used to.  BUT. The quality of my writing has improved.

But I am a writer, and I have to write.  Every. single. day.  So I write a lot of stuff that stays off-line.  Yay for me because I feel so much better once I vent.  Boo for you all because, let me tell ya, you are missing some funny funny shit.

Sorry.

Last night things came to a head with Brian.  We had been talking still.  Yes, I don’t need you all to line up for a chance to tell me just how utterly stupid that decision was.  I get it now.  The details as to what happened are unimportant.  The actual words used in the numerous text messages that were flying back and forth between our phones at speeds high enough to impress our teen aged children is unimportant to the story.

What is important?

We finally found the straw that broke the camel’s back, and we broke that bitch’s back but good.

This morning, when I got to work, because my stupid phone wouldn’t let me do it, I went on Facebook, and blocked him (he had already unfriended me.  He’s fast at that shit) and then?  Removed him, his family, and all common friends from the girls’ accounts and blocked them too.  And before you all get up in arms about me deleting people from my girls’ facebook pages, I don’t care.

It was really about time.  Neither of us could move on as long as we were still connected in any way to each other.  (that? is me being diplomatic.  What I wanted to tell you was all the things I realized last night, but because I can’t block him, or his kids, or his ex-wife, or his friends from reading this…. I will have to *ahem* shut the fuck up.)

I will go this week and roll my cell phone and the girls’ cell phone over from his account to my own account and that? Will be that.  We will be done.  The ‘divorce’ will be final.

And just in time.  I’m meeting someone new next week for drinks.

HA!