The Stages of Dating According to Ms Batman, (that's me)

I have no real authority on this subject at all.  I mean, really, look at my track record, three strikes, I’m out.

But something struck me last night.  Are there stages of dating?  And if there are, what are they?  So, once again, I went to the keeper of all internet knowledge,  Google,  and typed in “Stages of Dating”  Guess what?  There are people out there who have alphabets behind their name that have opinions on the matter.  Of course sometimes I think if you’ve got alphabets behind your name you probably have an opinion on most things.

So, because I wasn’t all that serious about this, I started with The Five Stages of Dating.  I can handle 5.  (also people, hover over the link, the note? Revealing)  The 5 Stages of Dating, according to this website are:

1. Attraction
2. Uncertainty
3. Exclusivity
4. Intimacy
5. Engagement

Ok, that’s fine, and dandy and, well, frankly bullshit.  Sure, to a person with a lot of letters behind their name, I am sure these are what they think are the stages of dating.  From someone who’s recently been in the trenches, let me set this record straight.

1. Chatting on line Let’s be honest, in this day and age, what with people working eleventy billion hours a week, and working on line at home,  it’s easy to meet people on line and get to know them.  Also? Don’t have to do your hair or shave or change out of your PJ’s. BONUS!
2. Hanging out  This happens after spending hours, days, weeks chatting on line and get to know each other.  When you feel you know the person well enough and are interested enough to actually want to do your hair, shave your legs, and wear something besides your PJ’s.
3. Dating  Once it’s been established he has a job, and can afford to take you out to some place besides the park, the zoo, or the nearest coffee shop, you go on a few actual dates.  Dates that include but are not limited to, him picking you up, and going out to dinner at a place that does not have value meals.  It is required that you do your hair, shave your legs and hide your PJ’s.
4. Friending each other on Facebook This is when you’re ready to let him see some of the crazy, although once you friend him on Facebook, you immediately take down all pictures and untag yourself in your friends’ pictures of you looking anything less than stunning.
5. More than dating, but not a full blown couple yet  Yeah, I’m not sure exactly what this means either.    Although I’m pretty sure it includes sex along the way, but I’m not real clear on the regularity of that. Also?  Hair and PJ’s optional.  Shaving legs? NOT OPTIONAL
6. Boyfriend/Girlfriend This is the same as exclusivity, which by the way sounds like a totally made up word. This is when you both agree that you won’t spend your idle time laughing at the losers still on the dating sites unless you’re together and can both laugh at them.  This is when you buy new cute boyfriend worthy PJ’s but continue to do your hair and shave your legs.  What?! A girl has an image to uphold until he puts that ring on her finger.
7. Changing your relationship status on Facebook  Ok this one is tricky.  It’s a public acknowledgement that you two are together and right now that is the most awesome of all things awesome.  But there might come a day when things aren’t so awesome between the two of you and if one of you ends things, then it will also be public knowledge that you two broke up.  You only have to look to Hollywood divorces and break-ups to see just how ugly this can be.
8. Engagement  I’ve heard about this phase, but since I’ve only been engaged once, and that was just because the stick turned blue, (and then it was a short engagement.. 2  months) I don’t know much about it.  Other than I have no plans to ever reach this stage ever again.

With all these hoops to jump through, is it any wonder I’m going to stay single?

 

The Letter I know I Shouldn't Write, but I've got to get it off my chest

Yes, I called you Stalker.  Yes I was serious.

I could go look up the definition of stalker, but there are so many and they are so vague.  But Merriam-Webster defines it as to pursue obsessively and to the point of harassment  And that’s where you were.  I felt it was harassment.

You told me that Chris Coleman, the man who KILLED his wife and two sons for his girlfriend had the right idea.  You left comments here bashing your wife.  I told you I would contact you when I wanted to talk to you.  The fact that I didn’t should have told you I had no desire to have any contact with you.  You continued to text me, and leave comments here.

The final straw?  Showing up at my work.  Sitting downstairs, where I would be forced to face you and acknowledge you should I ever go downstairs.  So, for hours I stayed upstairs in my office feeling like a prisoner in my place of employment.

I told you as nicely as I could that I didn’t want to talk to you.  I told you point-blank that your treatment of your wife was deplorable, despicable, and unacceptable to me.  The way you talked about her make me sick and made me hate you.

I know that writing this now if pointless.  I know that now that you have ‘deleted my text number from your phone” chances are good that I won’t hear from you again.  But I can’t take chances.  I have taken all possible actions to guarantee my safety.  I don’t care how offended/hurt/upset you are.  This isn’t about you, your wants, your fantasies, this about my life, my safety.

I Have Worth

If there was one thing I learned in therapy last week, it was I have worth.

I am stronger than I seem, braver than I believe, and smarter than I think. (Thank you Christopher Robin for such beautiful words).

I learned that I shouldn’t settle,  that I am enough on my own.   It’s pretty hard to ignore the awesomeness it takes to raise two Drama Tweens as a single mom these days.   I’ve had my dark days, but here we are, four years after moving away from my entire support system, in a new duplex, with one daughter a cheerleader, and the other trying out this year.

I learned there is a line in the sand that I put there.  A limit to what I’ll accept and when it’s time to walk away.  I have worth, and if you can’t see that,  you have no room in my life.

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for less.   I want the whole she-bang, not just half-ass here and there.   I don’t want to be squeezed in when you have a second, I want to be wanted.  I deserve that, at the very least.

I don’t have time, or the desire to play games any more.  I know what I want, and if you want it too, great, we’ll work to get there, together.  But I’m not going to waste my time on someone who doesn’t see the future as I see it, with me in it.

I learned a lot in therapy last week.  I learned that victim mentality pisses me off.  Mostly because I spent so many years being the victim in my own life.  It strips you of any power and responsibility in your own life.  I learned how to get my own power back.  I found my own voice, and now I call the shots in my life.   Now I make the rules.

This is where I draw the line.

It’s been 10 days since I saw Brian and his entire family for who they really are and walked away.   Yes, I know,  I can see the eye rolls out there, the “here we go again” deep sighs, the “When will she ever learn?” questioning looks.

This time?  I walked away.  This time it was my choice.  This time I get it.  I saw what I had been ignoring for years.  I saw him, them, for who they really are and I can’t accept that.  No, that’s not true.  I can accept they are who/what they are.  I can’t accept that into my life.    And so this time, I shut the door.  This time I walked away.  This time I said “I’m done.  I want no part of this any more.”

And that?  Makes all the difference, apparently.

Because there is no nagging doubt, no lingering hope, no strings  left dangling hoping to tie me to him yet again.  This time, it was a clean and final break. Cutting all ties.  Walking away, saying good bye.  Knowing, *knowing* really knowing this time, I’m done.

I am letting go of the past.  I no longer think about ‘what’s he doing today?’  I no longer worry about if he’s at work, or off, of what is happening in his life.  In fact,  have had zero contact with him.

And that, my friends, is peace.

There have been no tears.  None.  He is no longer worth them.  He is not worthy of me.  I am so much better than him, better without him.

Now, that something better.   Right now I believe that something better is just the peace of mind knowing this time, I’m finally done, and this time it’s over, forever, and this is really the best thing I could do.  The letting go, the saying good-bye, the lifted weight,  the freedom to be me without worry.

I live my life now for me.  Without having to answer to anyone but me.

So much so, that last Friday, when I picked up the girls, I drove an extra half hour to have a birthday dinner with one of my girlfriends because she asked, and I had nobody I had to get home to.  Then?  I drove another hour to The Lake, to see a friend I hadn’t seen in years, because I could.

And I had a blast.  I laughed, I relaxed, I played, I enjoyed… all because I could. Because I didn’t have to answer to him, or anyone.  Because I was on my time schedule, not someone else.

It was heaven.

And for a while, all those years ago,  I thought that Brian was The One.  And maybe he was.  Maybe he was The One to teach me Here is the line in the sand.  He is where you stand, this is what you believe, and this, *this* is not negotiable.

That is important stuff to know.

Like the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of being important to someone, the feeling of being special.  And just maybe that friend you haven’t seen in years will be just the person to remind you of that.

Summer repeats of a different nature

I guess if I was pressed to come up with a good thing to come from losing my entire blog history last week it would have to be that I can recycle ideas and posts and nobody (well, mostly nobody) will know. Ok, and I guess if I had to come up with another good thing to come of losing my history, it would be that while I’m recycling post ideas, I get the opportunity to rewrite some posts, and hopefully write it better this time.

Kristine over at Random and Odd wrote a letter to her 20 year old self from her no longer 20 year old self.   So, I’m stealing it, tweaking it, and making it my own.

Dear Me,

I know they tell you don’t talk to anyone from a different time, because you’ll jack up the time space continuum ala Back to the Future.  I say, whatever.  My life has been pretty jacked up with or without the time space continuum thingy, so I’ll take my chances.

When you’re 13, you will stand in front of a mirror and throw a temper tantrum (which includes throwing a brush) because your hair won’t lay the right way.  Nobody, least of all your family, will understand the degree of anger and frustration you are feeling at that moment.  Don’t worry, you are not a freak, it’s the first sign of BPD but nobody will know that for years.  Just make a note of it.

The guy you meet in 9th grade.. the one who kissed you the night he met you?  Yes, your best friend’s boyfriend.  You will fall head over heels in what you think is love with him.  You will make him the end all and be all of your world for far more than he deserves to be.  Remember that first kiss?  When his heart supposedly belonged to someone else?  Remember that.  He will break your heart over and over again.  Oh, go ahead and marry him, he will be the father of your amazing utterly cool beyond worlds son.  But never forget that he was cheating the night he kissed you.

Somewhere along the way, your self esteem gets trampled on and lost.  Maybe it was the starting a new school freshman year.  Going into high school where you don’t know a soul, especially when you need a bestfriend the most, is difficult.  You will spend far too long looking for it in other people, wanting, believing you need their approval when in fact, all you need is you.

In college will meet a guy who wants to marry you.  Lucky for him, you want to marry him too.  By senior year, he will realize that he has to live his life for him and if you want to live that life with him, you had better keep up.  To you it will look and feel like he just up and left you behind.  You had made taking care of him your life and you were prepared to continue to do that for the rest of your life.  He isn’t prepared to take care of you.  He needs you to be his partner, his equal partner.  Don’t worry about him, he comes back around later.

When you pick up his camera, pay close attention to how comfortable it feels in your hands, and exactly what you see through the view finder.  Don’t be in such a rush to put it down and walk away.  You have a talent, and it is unfair to you and those around you to keep it locked away for years until you happen to stumble over it quite by accident.

Just because a guy asks you to marry him doesn’t mean you have to say yes.  Just because he is the father of your baby doesn’t mean he’s marriage material.  Listen to your heart.  When your standing there having doubts, listen.  Who cares what everyone else thinks and says. It’s your life. Listen.

And that hold true years later when you meet a man on line and your brain tells you it is unlikely and impossible.  Listen to your heart.  The road will not be easy and your head will scream GIVE UP! WALK AWAY! and your heart will whisper “Stay”.  Listen to your heart.   He loves you.  Trust that voice.  Trust him.

Learn to believe in yourself.  You sell yourself short all the time and that makes your life harder than it has to be.  Believe in yourself.  I know it’s hard for you, but he believes in you.  Listen to him, he’s right.  A lot.

You are a great mom.  You do an amazing job.  Don’t let the ex husbands try and convince you otherwise.  They will do all in their power to undermine you, discredit you, make you doubt yourself and steal your children away from you. Don’t let them.  You are a wonderful mom and your children deserve to be raised by you.  Even your son. Especially your son.  Don’t give up on him, and don’t let him give up on you.

If I had to give you one piece of advice it would be listen to your heart and shut out the world around you.  Who cares what everyone says or thinks.  Live your life by your own rules.  Don’t let anyone steal your thunder.  Believe in you.

You’re so worth it.