Fighting My Way Back to Normal.

I went to Google to find an image for manic episode, and it turns out there are tens of thousands, OK, maybe just tens, of images that portray all that I’ve been stuck in lately. Then I Googled depression because along with my mania I get to be depressed, and again, tens of images that portray what I’m feeling.

I once described bipolar as the fucking little two faced beast that convinces you that you can fly an airplane; and then pushes you out mid-flight I can’t put into words what the hell is going on up in my brain.  It’s depression, in that I don’t want to do anything, I can’t care about anything, all I can think is “I just don’t care” and “Fuck this bullshit”.  And yet, with the mania, my mind is racing all the time.  I have a thousand things to do, to write, to say and yet, I just can’t get up the energy to care enough to do, say or write any of it.

And that’s when the party starts, because in the midst of a depression I hate myself the most.  I’m worthless, I’m not good enough, I just want to give up.  Then my manic brain ceases on one of those thoughts and focuses in on it, and that’s when the downward spiral becomes a high speed descent into hell.

I bitch at everyone, and feel guilty about it afterward, and then it’s fuck it I don’t care.  The girls are too loud, the house is too quiet.  I want to talk to people so I’m not alone, and yet I have nothing worthwhile to say.  Then I get mad when they don’t text or call me.  But when they do, I scream DON’T ANSWER IT!!!!

So, if I’m not here for a few days, I’m trying to find my way back to normal.  My brain told me today that “I love you” isn’t reason enough to stick around.  So I immediately called my doctor.  We upped the dose on my medications and hopefully there will be an improvement soon.  One thing my bipolar does do right is react to the medications quickly.  Hopefully I’ll be back soon.