Day Six

I’ve sat down to write more times than I can count the past few days.  The words, they just don’t come.  I’ve used every word I have, to no avail.  He still… refuses.

Adam and I are talking again, and good lord but I love him.  We have a friendship (when I’m not actively destroying it) that is like no other friendship I’ve had.  It’s wildly in appropriate and one no sane person should ever try to understand.

But Brian….

I’m trying over here to be patient, but the longer this goes on, the deeper it hurts, the harder it is to breathe.  I have lost 7 pounds this week. Seven.  I cry all the time, That’s not the bipolar, that’s the bruised and scared heart.  That’s the fear that he won’t love me enough, that all the I’m sorrys won’t be enough.  That six years won’t be enough, and that maybe I won’t be enough.

I have no more words, no new ones anyway.  I can only say I’m sorry and I love you so many times until it just rings false, and I wonder if it’s falling on deaf ears.

I have no answers, but a million questions, all of them he refuses to answer.  I just want some reassurance every day that today he is still here.  With that, I can hang on one more day, no matter how hard it is.

I don’t even get that any more.

I refuse to give up, as long as he hasn’t said goodbye there has to be the tiniest thread of hope.  I refuse to be the one to give up and walk away.  He means to much to me to give up, WE mean to much to me to give up, this Brady Bunch-esqe family we have created means too god damn much to me to give up, turn my back, and walk away.

I just want answers, even if they aren’t the answers I want. But if they are those answers, I don’t want them now.  This not knowing day to day, hour to hour, it’s worse than if he left.  I have to believe there is still hope, that I still have a one in eleventy billion chance.  For as much as I love him, I have to believe that.

Even if he doesn’t.