My Apology

Dear Brian, And Adam,

This is the only place I have to write to you.  Social media just isn’t an option, text messages go ignored.  I’m not even sure this will be read.  In fact it may be ironic that I come here, online, to say what I want to say to you, since it was online where I caused the damage.

There is no excuse for what I said on Twitter last week.  I should have never gone online to vent my hurt, my anger, my fear. You two don’t play on the social media playground as often as I do.  In my manic mind, it was a safe place to blow up, to vent, to put voice to all my fears and anger, and have somebody hear me.

Unfortunately, the wrong ears heard, or actually the wrong eyes saw.

I can only imagine the hurt and the anger and the rage, and the distrust you two are feeling towards me.  They are much the same feelings I was trapped in when I went online.   At the time, there was no truth behind what I said, but I felt those things, I thought those things, I feared those things.

I had reached out before, but I didn’t find the words to express what I was feeling, what I was afraid of, what I thought was going on, and what I needed to ease it all.  I tried to convince myself none of this was true.  I tried to hold on to what I was being told, even though there was so much doubt.  I tried to hold it all in, I tried to keep it together, but I failed.

I have been disconnected on some social media sites, which I totally expected.  There are other sites online we are still connected, and those sites give me hope that neither of you have given up on me completely.  Although I am never sure of this hour to hour, day to day.  I know that it all hangs in a perilous balance, and it could all fall like a house of cards with the merest of whispers.

A part of me says I should just bow out gracefully give up hope, and walk away.  Goodbye is right on the tip of my tongue.  And yet, both of you were there waiting when I got out of jail, both of you have given so much more than I ever expected from either of you.  And so I stay, and hope, and sit day in and day out with the guilt, and the fear that any minute the other shoe will fall, and it all will be over.  For good.

I have no other words, beyond I’m sorry, to express, well, how truly sorry and remorseful I am. Ironic coming from a writer, who has always been good with words.  There is nothing out there that I can capture with my camera to convey what I feel or the words it would take to heal you two.

I’m sorry.  I don’t deserve an eleventy billionth chance, and yet, I sit here, (crying in a public library no less) hoping beyond hope that maybe, just maybe there is one more left for me.