I am Sorry Jackie DeShannon, What the World Needs Now is Tolerance.

With all due respect to Jackie DeShannon, what the world needs now is not so much love, sweet love, but actually tolerance.  And a whole effing lot of it.

I subscribe to a boatload of blogs and websites.  I spend my mornings while the girls are getting ready, reading other people’s words.  Bad idea.  It almost always gets my panties in a wad.  I can not begin to list the sites or count the number of times I have read things like “This bugs the living shit out of me so STOP DOING IT! Asshat.”  or “Here’s How We Play Nice in Social Media according to ME”  Or even “If you continue to to this and that on your blog, I will UNSUBSCRIBE” which, oooohhh I’m scared, so what, see ya.

Lately, what with this being an election year, there has been a whole lot of talk and debates, and discussions and arguments, and tweets about Rights.  While I don’t always agree with every word Dana Loesch says, (so please keep your political rantings and judgments to yourselves) she is a hometown girl, and I will on occasion listen to her.  (I support our local celebs, plus, she’s on right before The DGS) The other day, she said something that really made me think.  Rights can only be obtained one of two ways.  We have God Given Rights and we have Constitutional Rights.

Period.

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness  are rights.

But Guaranteed happiness is not.

Go forth and multiply is a god given right.

Birth control of any kind, I don’t give a shit who pays for it, is not a right.

Freedom of speech is a constitutional right given to everyone.

The right to not be offended is not a right given to anyone.

So I pulled out my trusty, if slightly out of date, Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary and looked up the word Right.  I know the outside said dictionary, but the ‘definition’ of this single word looked more like an encyclopedia.  So I got out our Scholastic’s Children’s Dictionary (because I have only had one cup of coffee so far this morning) and looked up Right.

And it basically looked like a children’s encyclopedia.  But if you look at #10 it says, “Something that the law says that you can have or do. As in the right to vote.

And in the blogoverse, in social media, on the internet, we all have freedom of speech, and none of us have the right to run around and force people to shut up, and go away or play by our set of rules because we’re offended.  We all have the right to ignore those who disagree with us, we all have the right to partake in discussions about topics, situations, or Facebook statuses we disagree on.

Here’s a cold hard fact of life people.  There will never come a time, or a place when/where everyone can agree on something.  It just won’t happen.  I have also learned, that no matter how passionately we argue our side of any argument, no matter how strongly we believe we are right and everyone else is wrong, the other side is arguing just as passionately and believing just as strongly, and we stand no more chance of changing their minds, than they do of changing ours.

I don’t care if someone doesn’t play by the same rules you have set for yourself.  I don’t care if someone posts something you think is inappropriate and uncalled for.  I don’t care if someone breaks one your cardinal rules of social media.  You can not change them, or force them to conform to your ideology.  They have the same rights as you.  They have the right to freedom of speech.  They have the right to voice their opinion, to disagree with you, to argue or discuss the differences, or just ignore you.  Like you have the right to ignore them.

But instead of hating them, trying to change them, or eradicate them, try tolerance. Just allow them to be different.  Allow them to coexist, allow them the same freedoms you demand for yourself.

Using My Own Words to Discuss Using Someone Else's

My daughters are in 6th and 9th grade.  I know that every year for the past four years they have had at least one report/project of some sort due during the school year.  Sometimes I find out a week in advance, sometimes I find out hours in advance.  Either way, I help when I’m needed, but I make them do their own work.  (and by help I mean I rush to the store and buy everything they need to complete said project and try to find stuff that will work so I don’t have to drive 45 minutes to the nearest Target) Sure I could draw a better picture. Sure I could write a better paragraph.  But it’s not my project, it’s theirs.  Even when Megan has had to do the same project Meredith did a few years before, Megan starts over and does her own work.  They have to hand in their own work, not mine.  They will be graded on their own work not mine.  That is something they have known their entire educational life.

So when anyone tries to pass off someone else’s words as their own, I’m baffled and dumbfounded. “Plagiarism is wrong” is basic writing 101 and ‘Thou shalt not steal’ is basic Commandments 108 (granted it’s not in the Top 5 commandments, it is in the Top 10).  And then to insult bloggers and readers across the internet by saying “I am not a writer, and never have claimed to be” is absolutely ridiculous.  The fact that you write a blog, by definition makes you a writer.  The fact that you are were getting paid by a website for articles you wrote, (and apparently I have to use that term loosely) does in fact make you a writer, the fact that companies came to you and compensated you for writing your opinion of their products or services does, by the very definition make you a writer, a professional writer at that.

I wasn’t even going to tackle this whole issue because clearly everyone and their brother’s college roommate’s next door neighbor’s hot niece has covered it, has sounded off, offered up an opinions and advice.  There is not a single word I could add to this that would have any relevance. But then I read Melissa Ford’s post about Right Click Disabling your Blog.  In her post she says “I was totally put-off as a blog reader because the assumption was that if I wanted to copy even one word from the blog, I was a thief.” Ok, I get that sentiment. I could see how a person could feel that way, but isn’t that taking a personal choice of the author a little too personally?

My blog is right click disabled.  Believe me it’s probably way more inconvenient for me than it is for any of my readers.  I can’t copy anything from my own site for myself, I have to go to the dashboard and copy it from there.  Pain. In. The. Ass. I can’t even open a link in a new tab b/c that requires right clicking and I bitch at myself when the window pops up that says “Thank you for not stealing my shit”.  BUT I did it because at one time there were problems, serious problems between me and my ex husbands.  I right click disabled my blog, not based on any kind of assumption that someone would steal  my words/photos. (believe me I’m not that good)  I right click disabled it based on the knowledge and fact that someone already had. Now, if you read my blog in any kind of reader, my words and photos are not right click protected and you can copy/paste to your heart’s content. (Just be sure and give me credit and link back to me.)

There is always going to be somebody who writes better, who writes more eloquently (like how I used that big fancy word there?) who uses more colorful descriptive words.  There is always going to be someone who takes better photos, who lands bigger sponsors, who has more giveaways, who has more readers, more followers.  There’s always going to be bigger and better and more popular, and prettier and skinnier, and richer, and has a bigger house, and a nicer car, and better behaved kids, and cooler friends, and a pool, and a flat screen HDTV, and who’s house is always clean, and hair is always done and wears the perfect clothes.  And that’s fine… they can live in that world.  I choose to live in, and write about mine.  I have a hard enough time trying to be me, I can’t be bothered to try and be someone I’m not.

Photo Credit

An Introduction of Sorts

I have started and deleted several posts here in the past few days, not sure if I was ready to tackle the things that that have been swirling in my mind.  Until today when I decided, jump in with both feet, what have you got to lose?

A couple of weeks ago, I took a huge leap of faith, and bought Becky Hood Photography.com.  Like any child/teen/family/newborn/people photographer will tell you, it started out as a way to document our kids.  And then it turned into a hobby, which has been parlayed into a business.  I will tell you, in September I started just taking photos of Meredith when she cheered her first games.  Then it became the whole squad, then it was basketball, and then the basketball players.  By the end of the season I was taking close to 800 photos every game of everyone on the floor.  I will hand over CD’s to the moms in a couple of weeks with photos of their sons and daughters.  Also included will be my website address and a plug that I’m available for photo sessions that do not take place on a basketball court.

I asked a friend of mine right after I bought the domain
I can do this, right
He said ‘You already are. Now you’ll get paid for it.”

The website it not fully functional yet. I will be by the time the parents have the CD’s of their kids in their hands.  I am still working on getting photos added and my About Me page, and my “OMG I can’t believe I am actually going to try and do this” page.  But go check it out, just know that it’s got the drywall up, and  windows installed but that’s about it.

Back in January I had my first featured post over at BlogHer.  It was about how there are precious few resources on the internet, and in the blogging world for parents of teens.  That post put me in contact with Kristen over at Four Hens and a Rooster who agreed, there are few places for moms of teens to go.   And because she can take and idea and run with it, she created Ten to Twenty Parenting and has asked me to be a contributing author over there.  As my writer introduction page says “The only credibility I have to give any sort of parenting advice is the fact that my daughters are still alive and thriving.  And considering my track record with plants, I consider this a major miracle.”  But I am excited about the new website, and the opportunity to write about being a single mom of teenage girls and all the problems, and joys that entails.  Please go over and check us out.

I have plenty to say about the drama going on around the web and in the world of politics.  I promise I’ll sound of on all those things this week.  I just wanted to take a minute of your time and say Hey!  I’m at two more places around the web, please go check them out.  Feedback is always welcome. Seriously.

This is Just Another Example of Politicians Trying to Get into Women's Pants

Seven years ago, well, almost eight years ago, the girls’ dad and I finalized our divorce.  While we are friends now, and parent well together, back then it was far from Leave it to Beaver.  It was more like Apocalypse Now. It was ugly.  He knew what buttons of mine to push in order to get the biggest reaction and start the biggest fight possible.  And I believed every one of his threats and expected him to carry them out to the worst possible degree.

And so it was a vicious cycle.

Until one therapy session when my therapist suggested “What if you didn’t react?  Just because he says it, doesn’t make it true.  What if, when he calls, you mentally throw your cell phone across the river and don’t call him back in the time it would take you to walk across to get it?  What if you just allowed him to believe whatever it is he feels the need to believe and let it go?”

The media, and even some blog writers, seem to thrive on stirring the pot.  I get the whole sensationalism for the sake of attention, but at some point it goes too far and people take up arms in a fight that is far less important or serious than the author portrayed it.

They know what buttons to push to get the biggest reaction.

If you are looking for a smack down there is an over abundance of them all around the internet lately.  Forget the terrorists, they’re sitting back now laughing watching us tear each other apart.

So Rush Limbaugh supposedly called someone a slut (I say supposedly b/c I have neither heard nor read the exact exchange that happened) and women across the country took up their swords and shields ready to fight to defend this girl’s honor.  Rush is a media personality, and has been for many years.  He’s notorious for saying outrageous things, and this is one of those things.  He knew exactly what to say, what buttons to push, to get the biggest reaction possible.

And women played right into his hands.

So what if he called her a slut.  Just because he says it doesn’t make it true.  But she put herself out there, she opened the door to discussing her sex life, and so she’s not exactly innocent in this exchange.  it’s not like Rush opened a phone book, picked a random name and called her a slut.  Was it rude? Yes.  Was it unnecessary? In normal day to day conversation, yes.  But this is radio, and media and sensationalism and ratings.  If Howard Stern had said it, would anyone bat an eye at it?

*side note* Rush is entitled to his opinion, and welcome to America land of the free thanks to the brave, where we have freedom of speech.  Which is all fun and games until someone gets a reputation, apparently.  But here’s the thing, let’s say Sandra Fluke sues Rush for defamation of character and libel.  She would have to prove that what he said was not true, and that he had malicious intent in saying what he said.  Can you imagine the trial?  Sandra’s attorney trying to prove she isn’t a slut, and Rush’s team trying to prove she is?  And how many sidebars would there to be determine what time period they were considering and exactly how many sex partners is required to be considered a slut. 

So, Rush used the S-word. And women lost their fucking minds, demanding Rush be removed from the airwaves (instead of just changing the station or turning off the radio like a rational human being with a damned choice would do. No they want his head on a silver platter.) But what about Bill Maher?  He called Sarah Palin a cunt.  So, what? She’s already a public figure and therefore fair game?  Wait, what?  But it seems to me that those who are demanding Rush be removed from the public eye (Or ears) are perfectly ok with Bill Maher’s assessment of Sarah Palin.

Double fucking standard much?

This isn’t about he said/he said.  It’s a first amendment right.  I don’t agree with what they said, but I will defend their right to say it. The thing is, these guys (and many more like them) are media personalities, who are after ratings any way they can get them.  They have a constitutional right to free speech just like we all have the right to voice our opinions about what they said.  But we also have the right to change the station, turn off the television, refuse to click on that link, leave a website.  We can’t shut them up, or shut them down, but we have the option to turn them off and walk away.

This all started over birth control.  Who’s going to pay for it.  Some people say the government should pay for it, some say pay for your own damned prescriptions. There is a picture on Pinterest that says ‘Get your politics out of my vagina’.  I say you brought your vagina to the table.  And really, why is anyone surprised that politicians are talking about birth control and reproductive issues.  Haven’t you people learned anything? Politicians for years have been getting into women’s pants any way they can.  Hello, President Clinton and Anthony Weiner.

Because 15 is Almost 16 Which Might as Well be 18 is Featured over at BlogHer!

Look what I did!

Again!

I am so excited to be featured on BlogHer today.

I cross posted my post Because 15 is Almost 16 and Might As Well be 18 over at BlogHer, and Jenna picked it up and featured it today in the Family topic.

So please, even if you did leave a comment here, could you go over there and show just a smidge of love?  I want the women of BlogHer to think people like me.

And tomorrow I promise I’ll have a real post.  Pinky Promise

The End of The Road

Saturday afternoon, half the town of Elsberry, MO drove to Hannibal to watch our varsity boys play another game on the road to State Champions.  The stands were packed with parents, friends, family, neighbors, to cheer the boys on.  They ran on to the court and the cheers were deafening.  Our town are incredibly supportive and proud of the boys.  As well they should be.

We scored the first points.  We started ahead, the way we start every single game.  We score first. Always. We get in front, and stay in front.

Except for Saturday.

We scored first, and that was the only time we were ahead.  A few short minutes later, we were down by 1, then by 4, and the gap continued to grow, until we were down by 20.  The boys just weren’t playing their A game.  They just didn’t look like the boys we had watched win every other game they’d played.

And still the stands roared with support.

Half time came, and they came back out  on to the court ready to play the second half.  And for a while, it looked as if they would rally.  It looked as if they had found their rhythm.   It looked as if they had found their game.

But the other team had found theirs too.

We shrunk the gap to 4 points.  At that point we all thought and believed all was not lost, we could still pull this out, we could still win it.

But in the last two minutes, it didn’t matter what we did, it wasn’t going to happen.

If the cheerleaders and the crowd could have yelled us to victory the game would have been a lock.  The girls and the parents and the family, friends and neighbors never gave up.  They cheered, they yelled, the screamed, they supported and they hoped and dreamed and never, ever, gave up.

Every person in that gym that day fought hard until the buzzer sounded to signal the end of the game.

And the end of our journey.

Our boys would not bring home the championship this, their senior year.

I sat in the stands that day, with my camera, like I had all season long, and I took 830 pictures of the game, of the players, of the cheerleaders.

I put my camera down, as they walked off the court.  Nobody, not them, not their parents, nobody needed or wanted those pictures.

To the cheerleaders of the 2011-2012 season; You are all beautiful girls. It has been my pleasure to capture your beauty and your laughter, the cheers and the fun all season long.  What started out a mom capturing her daughter’s first year on the high school squad, ended up the ‘cheer mom’ capturing serious and fun moments of 10 daughters on the high school cheer squad.

To the basketball players this year.  It has been an exciting ride.  It has been an incredible thrill and honor to capture your skill, your talent, you intensity, and your joy in playing the game.  I honestly hope you know how truly proud this entire town is of you, all of you.  Thank you.

To the parents of both the cheerleaders and the players, thank you for allowing me to capture the stolen moments of your kids this year.  Thank you for allowing me to get to know them, from behind my camera and without it.  Their individual personalities shine though in the photos I took, and I will share them all with you, as you have shared them with me.

Where I’ve been, Where I’ll be

Her pictures are the only ones I have permission to use here.

People, here’s the deal.

Our boys basketball team has made the state playoffs.

And my girl, is a cheerleader.

And I am apparently the unofficial official photographer of both the cheerleaders and the players.

According to the cheerleaders, and the players moms.

To say that I’ve been busy taking and editing photos like kind of like saying the Grand Canyon is a whole in the ground.

Over the course of the past two days I have spent no less than 15 hours with my laptop in my lap editing photos and setting up a new website.

My head hurts.

My eyes hurt.

I’m probably not even close to done.

And neither are our boys.

I can not even put into words how exciting this is, not only for the players, but for the cheerleaders, especially Meredith (this is her first go round) but me and Megan as well.

When we get to the final three games, they will be played a short 45 minutes from the girls’ dad and his family, and in the same town my mom and sister live in.

Her entire family will get to see her cheer.

To them that is far more exciting than whatever those silly boys will be doing out there with a ball.

And the chance to cheer in front of her family? Is almost better than the boys winning the State Championship.

Almost.

 

Because 15 is Almost 16 Which Might As Well be 18

I am a single mom of two tweenage daughters.  My oldest daughter will turn 15 at the end of the week.  It’s not really a big deal.

You know, as long as I don’t think about it.

In a year, she’ll be 16, and driving.  A blink of an eye she’ll turn 18 and graduate.  It’s getting harder and harder to ignore the fact that she won’t be mine forever.

And it scares me, and pisses me off.

I don’t want to let go. *stomping feet* *holding my breath*  (ok, passing out now)

She’s a freshman, and a cheerleader.  Our boys varsity basketball team just won our District Championship, and are on their way to State Champions.  She is gone a lot, traveling with the team and the cheerleaders.

And while I am fiercely proud of her, oh god am I proud, I am also sad at seeing her grow, and become this person who is more hers than mine.  She’s no longer my baby who refused to talk for so long because she had trained her brother to talk for her. She talks plenty on her own now.

I found myself picking fights, little fights, nit picking at her, this weekend.  I am not proud of my actions.  Pick up your things, you’re not pulling your weight around here, you can’t spend all day in bed.  I was irritated, I was frustrated, I was upset.  And none of those had to do with the cheer gear dropped on my living room floor, or the clothes left in the bathroom, or the fact that she was still in bed at 9:30 (she got home after midnight the night before).  It had everything to do with she’s almost 15, which is almost 16, which might as well be 18 and gone.

I can’t say that I don’t want her to grow up.  I’ve seen firsthand what a parent telling a child “I won’t let you grow up” can do to a child.  Besides, there is already part of her that is no longer mine.  While there’s a part of her that she doesn’t remember, the part when she was just a baby and I could cuddle with her, and laugh and giggle with her, when she was the light of everyone’s life, before she had to share the spotlight.  That little girl will always be mine, even though there is very little trace of her left.

15 years ago, I gave her the name Meredith. Over the years she has been TaterBug, Tate, and Mere.  This year her friends gave her the name Murry.  To all her friends, to the basketball players, to the cheerleaders, to half the high school, she is Murry.  Even her name isn’t really mine, but hers now.

She is my heart walking around outside my body.  It’s been a real twist of fate that I have been so very very blessed to have been this amazing creature’s mother.  It has been my job to take care of her and raise her for 15 years.  It’s ironic that she’s taken care of me more often than she ever should have.  She has been my cheerleader, my support, she believes in me when I find it so very hard to believe in myself.

She’s 15, which is almost 16, which might as well be 18.  My time with her is limited.  Once she’s 16, and can drive, she’s basically gone.  I know I have three short years to get used to this whole letting her go bullshit.  I can’t pretend that is ‘someday’ because someday is right around the corner.

Mommas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Sexual Morons.

I was surfing blogs yesterday when I came across this post, about One Million Moms with their granny panties in a wad over a comic book.  Apparently Archie and the gang will be attending a gay wedding in an upcoming issue.  And of course there are toy stores who will carry this horrific completely morally repugnant comic on their shelves.  The audacity of them.  I think One Million Moms blew their wad a bit early.  They should have held out for the honeymoon issue.  I’d like to be around to watch their heads explode over that.

I was going to write a very scathing blog post calling out these uptight moms with nothing to do but try and get the rest of us to live by their standards and their definition of morality but then I thought, do I really have to?

While they are protesting Archie comics, and Clorox bleach, and JC Penny (Why don’t they go boycott and email the producers of Jersey Shore????) the state of Maryland signed a law allowing same sex marriage.  They are the 8th state in the union to do so.  Now, if the preceding states have taught us anything, it is that this law will be contested and revoked and reinstated before it becomes true law.  But today they started that process, and that’s a step in the right direction.

My twitter stream following this news was both supportive and congratulatory.  Maybe it’s just the people I choose to follow, but I didn’t see anyone speaking against it.  All you have to do is look around the internet, around the bloggerverse, and see post after post of tolerance and support.  And I will admit it’s possible that I don’t run in the circles that would spout their hatred of gays and lesbians.  And it’s a good thing I don’t.

That’s the key, right there.  Tolerance.  Not necessarily acceptance, but tolerance.  It’s unreasonable to expect everyone to accept same sex marriage or relationships.  Millions of people (apparently 1 million moms) have millions of reasons why they are opposed to same sex relationships.  That is their prerogative.  But it isn’t out of the realm of possibility to ask them, and expect them to be tolerant of those relationships.

Let’s be honest, if we were sticking our noses in their relationships and telling them who they could and couldn’t marry they would be pissed right the fuck off, but apparently that road doesn’t run both ways.  It’s a case of they can dish it, but they can’t take it.

So, while I am asking One Million Moms to be tolerant of the fact that the world around us is saturated with sex, that the advertising world not only perpetuates but thrives on sexual images and innuendos, that there are other kinds of sex beside man/woman missionary position in the dark on Saturday nights after two glasses of wine, I need to learn to be tolerant of close minded uptight busybodies who have nothing better to do that try and change the world to their standards of morality.

This is not to say that we should shut up. In fact, it’s just the opposite. As long as there are these Keepers of the Morality out there trying to keep the world pure and chaste and boring, then we have to raise our voices saying I like my sex three nights a week with the lights on and leather and paddles!!!*  *ahem*   Sex is all around us, and I’m sorry (not really) that they don’t want to have those uncomfortable talks with their kids. They don’t want the kids to discover that the world outside their house, their picket fence, their gated community is not Leave It To Beaver. They better have those talks with their kids.  I don’t want my kids going to school with a bunch of sexual morons.  That’s how Snooki got pregnant.

*No Mom, there are no paddles used, or leather worn. Now that I type this out, it sounds rather boring doesn’t it?