Negotiations are done, and we are a go for another season

The contract negotiations are done, and I am happy to announce that after a lot of coffee, and some give and take (mostly give on my end, and take on theirs) I have renewed my web-hosting and domain registration for another year.

And since it’s been determined I will be around for another year, the writers said they won’t write me into a coma, give me amnesia, or have me under go plastic surgery from which I come back unrecognizable, we might as well get this party started.

I renewed the same domain, because duh. Everyone knows to find me here.  I don’t want to have to draw secret maps and send them out to everyone, because sure as I do that I’ll go and forget someone, and they will get their panties in a wad thinking I don’t want them to join us.  And that is so not true.

So, here I stay.

And my name?

It stays too.  I think over at Buy-Her.com I’ll write under my real name, but Ms Batman? That’s been me for three years now.  Kinda hard to change names mid stream.

Ok, so the domain/URL is the same. My name stays the same.  I’m hoping that’s about all that stays the same.  I’ve got some exciting ideas and things coming.  I’ve got a guest blogger coming!  I know, right?  It’s a first here at Welcome to my life.  I’m excited about it.

I’m in a really good place right now.  I am settled, and at peace and happy. I’m ok, really ok with my life and I’m excited about what the future is going to bring.  Really excited.

So I hope you’ll all stick around, pull up a chair, grab a drink, get comfortable, make yourself at home, and let’s celebrate 12 more months.

DeLurker Day, come out come out where ever you are

Come Out, Come Out where ever you are. Wait? What?

It has come to my attention that today is National DeLurker Day.  A day when bloggers beg ask readers to come out of lurkerdom and introduce themselves and say HI! I think you’re awesome!

Or something along those lines.

I have a few readers who comment often.  I have several readers I am just blown away impressed/humbled they even know me.

Then, there are the rest of you. I know you’re out there, but I don’t know who you are. And I really want to get to know you all.

So, please, leave me a comment, introduce yourself.  Leave me a link to your blog (if you have one) so I can return the love and follow you too.

Oh…

And have a great weekend.

Dating? Who me? Have you met me?

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

I am doing ok.  That’s not a surprise.  I knew I would be ok.  Some days are easier than others.  Some days I breeze right through.  Others?  I fall apart.  I hate to admit that.  I hate to admit that he can still grab my heart and squeeze.  I hate to admit there are still tears being shed over him.  It makes me sound weak.  I hate that he can still get to me, when (from where I’m sitting) he doesn’t waste a single minute/thought on me.

I was going to marry him.  I was no longer “Dad’s Girlfriend” to his kids, I was “the best step-mom in the world”.  In the blink of an eye, a single text message, all that changed.

Gone.

And now, I have to find my way.  I not only lost my boyfriend, I lost two step-kids, I lost a mother-in-law, I lost friends and family.

And I’m supposed to be ok.

I am.  A lot of the time.

But now and then?

Not so much.

Dating.  People think I need to start dating again.  I can’t wrap my mind around that.  Dating.  I had already decided I would never have to date again.

Now?

It’s not for me.

I can’t imagine meeting a new guy.  I don’t have time.  I mean, my girls live with me, and go to their dad’s every other weekend.  So I am only available to go on a date every other Saturday.  26 dates in a year.  Hardly worth it. Unless you’re the kind of guy who’s up for a mostly email/on-line relationship.  Then?  I’m totally your girl.

I just can’t imagine putting myself out there again.  I tried.  I believed.  I had hopes, dreams,  plans, a future, a life, family.  Now?  It’s just me and the girls.

And I’m ok with that.

My Inner Awesome

I took a 48 hour blog/internet hiatus.  I needed a break.  When you put your life out there on display, it makes it easy to be found.  When you connect with people on so many levels (Facebook, Twitter, blogs, email, IM, texts) it makes it easy to keep track of them (and them you) whether you want to or not.  I needed to step away, and take a breath, and get back to center.

It has been 10 days now since Brian broke up with me.  For the most part I’ve held it together, I haven’t completely lost my shit.  Well, except for yesterday, but it was time I cried a really good cry.  Unfortunately I did it at work… so uh awkward.  But I got up this morning and decided two things.  1. I need a new on-line identity, that is mine, just mine, and not tied to anyone else.  and 2. I need to find my Inner Awesome again.

I have been Ms. Batman on-line for three years now, on the hope that someday I would be MRS. Batman.  That was all fine and dandy when Brian was still Batman, and I was still dreaming of white dresses, diamond rings and happily ever after.  Welcome to today, where Brian is just Brian, and our happily ever after ended December 26th.  I have spent the last year working to create a name, a brand in Ms. Batman, but well, I can spend longer creating a name/brand as myself.

Britt is right.  I do need to change my pseudonym.  When I asked her for suggestions she said “I personally like BeckyHood.”  It’s simple, it’s easy to remember, it’s exactly who I am, and I don’t ever have to change it, no matter how many horrible, terrible, no good, very necessary breaks up (God forbid) I go through.

The domain for this blog is due for renewal in a couple of weeks too.  I am not going to be changing it.  I have owned www.msbatman.com for three years now, and I can’t even begin to consider the headache it would cause me to buy a new domain (I mean trying to come up with one would take me months at best) and move everything from here to there, and then go about tracking down all the places far and wide I have spread myself all over this internet and change all my links and damn I need a drink just thinking about it.  I’ll keep the domain, and the URL.  It’s not that big of a deal.  Clearly.

So, a new pseudonym.  Or maybe not. Maybe I’ll just go with my real name.  Something to think about.  I am open to suggestions.

Next on my list: Finding my Inner Awesome.  Sara over at I run with scissors wrote a great series on Finding your Inner Awesome.  (part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6) I have an amazing group of friends.  Both here on line and IRL.  Friends I didn’t realize were friends.  I mean, we work together, so yeah, we’re work buddies, and since I live so far away from work (at least an hour) I don’t get to hang out with them after work.  But when I found myself single, and broken hearted, they all gathered around and offered support and encouragement.  They have been wonderful reminding me how awesome I am.  I don’t mean that to sound stuck up.  I mean, when all I could see was “He dumped me!”  they were there with “Hey Bitch, you bought your girls laptops for Christmas.  You are a totally awesome mom!” and “Honey, please. You have a rockin new house to live in, and your girls are amazing and you are awesome for being a single parent.”

I got comments here, on Facebook, and on Twitter reminding me that I was am amazing and awesome and that I have come a long way in the past year and this little speed bump isn’t going to slow me down.  I have had all kinds of support from everyone and I can’t begin to put into words all that it means to me, and how helpful your words of support and encouragement have been.  There are times they have been the difference between laughter and tears.  So, thank you.  Thank you. Thank you.  I just need to find my inner awesome again.  I need to be reminded that I am awesome, no matter that he doesn’t think so, he’s not the end all deciding factor on my awesomeness.

I am.

Questions of my heart

It’s very hard, when you put so much of your relationship on-line, when it all goes bad, to deal with the break up in the public eye.

I know that I don’t have to put anything on line about the break up.  Except that right after he broke up with me (via text, no less) he changed his relationship status on FB, therefore forcing my hand, and I had to acknowledge it.

And because I love(d) him, I asked that the bashing of him stop.  He (along with his son, our friends, his family) would see all that you wrote to me on my FB wall, in the comments.  And yes, I understand and appreciate your sentiments; I knew it would be better for everyone involved, in real life at least, if the bashing of him didn’t happen in public.

Keeping true to that has, at times, been difficult.

There have been days that I have sat down to write a scathing blog post reciting chapter and verse everything he did that pissed me off.  Maybe not at the time, but now, looking back pissed me off.  Just because being pissed off is much easier.  All those feelings, all that passion I felt for him, doesn’t just go away, doesn’t just turn itself off.  So, instead of channeling that passion into love, it’s easier, safer, and less painful to channel it into anger.

But it’s not fair to him.

Or his son.

Or our friends.

Or his family.

They did nothing wrong, and they don’t deserve to be caught in the cross fire, and don’t need to see this battle waged on the pages of the internet.

Brian wouldn’t wage it online anyway.

He would call me, or text me, or just turn his back and turn off my phone, and go quietly away in the middle of the night.

It’s hard to find other things to write about when your heart wants to pour itself out all over the place all the time.  It’s hard to sit down and write about something, anything else, besides the break up.

There are more than a few people I know, based on our history, think that this is just a phase for him.  That in a few weeks, he’ll miss me, he’ll come around, he’ll want to reconcile.

I’m not so sure.  Some days, I would agree with them. Other days? Not on your life.

Today?

One of those days without hope.

No, that’s not true.  Every day is full of hope.  Just today, there is no hope of any sort of reconciliation.

I’m ok with that.

And see, that’s where I am.

Taking this time (however long, or short) away from him, to figure out where I am, where I want to be, how to get there.

And most importantly, what being “there” (where ever there is) looks and feels like.

Do I want him along for the journey?

Do I want to take him on that journey with me?

Do I dig down deep inside me, in a place I have never found, but I’m sure is there, and find the strength and courage to say “I love you, more than you know, but it’s time we stop hurting each other.”

Or is that taking the easy way out?  Walking away without talking about our problems and trying to find a solution?

Or is this the solution?

Where is a good Catfish when you need one?

We have a mouse in the house.  It’s not big, but it is fast.  I know that it will go away when A) it warms up outside, or B) it gets tired of sharing the girls’ bedroom with them. (that shouldn’t take long.  There are fewer less deadly hazards outside, even in the cold, than there are in the girls’ room) It’s not like we’re feeding it or making a bed for him. He’s just here.

Having a mouse in the house isn’t anything new to us.  It honestly has nothing to do with my level of house cleaning, I swear!!! It has a whole lot to do with the fact that every house we have lived in is close to or surrounded by fields and mice are a fact of life.  When I was still married to the girls’ dad, we lived in a farm house that was over 50 years old.  It was kind of loose in the joints,(the fireplace was falling away from the house and I found snow in my living room on more than one occasion) and old, and settling. It was not unusual to see a mouse or two running around the house.  Especially in the winter.

One morning I got up to get ready for work.  I was still breastfeeding Newt at the time so I had to get up extra early.  I walked into the bathroom, flipped on the light, lifted the toilet lid, preparing to sit when I saw him…

Mighty Mouse, doing laps in my toilet.

It took everything in me to not scream but I had sleeping babies I didn’t want to wake up yet.  So I put the lid back down, calmly walked back to our bedroom and told the girls’ dad “Uh, you need to get up and deal with the mouse doing laps in our toilet.”

“All you have to do is flush him.”

“Uh, have you met me?  Knowing my luck?  He’ll float as the water level rises, grab ahold of the rim of the bowl, climb out and demand that I bring him a towel.  No thank you.”

“Fine.”

So, while he’s in the bathroom dealing with Mighty Mouse, I’m in the living room convincing myself I really could hold it until I got to work.  Or at least until I got to the gas station in town.  I wasn’t sure which for sure, but I knew one thing… my butt would NOT be sitting on that toilet anytime that morning. Period. Done.

Girls’ dad came out to tell me the mouse was gone. “You can go to the bathroom now.”

“That’s what you think.  What did you do with him.”

“I flushed him.”

“Ok, well, tomorrow, YOU’RE getting up first and checking for swimmers.”

“I’m pretty sure he won’t be back.”

“I’m not so sure.  He found a warm private pool to do his morning laps in.  And now he knows there’s an awesome power water slide too.  He’ll be telling all his friends about it at lunch to day.  Tonight?  We’ll be hosting the Mousekateer Swimming Party.  You better stop and get more beer on your way home.”

Reviewing and Resoluting

And yes, according to Ali Martel, resoluting is to in fact a word. A word that she made up. And now, I am borrowing it.

I started typing this post with 3.5 hours left in 2010, but then the neighbor’s daughter (she’s 10) came over and said “We’re partying!! Come over!!”.  The girls and I (and a bottle of wine. Like the first bottle of wine I have ever bought for myself because I don’t know wine.  I know tequila.) went across the sidewalk and brought in the New Year with new friends.  She is going to make being single so much easier.  ThankyouElmo.

So, back to the reviewing and resoluting.

2010 was a year sort of like any other year.  It had 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days.  Some days were slow, boring, yawn worthy.  Others full of excitement and laughter and zeal (does anyone use that word anymore? Did anyone ever? And why am I?)

In April, Brian mentioned THE RING.  I believed him then.  We all know how that turned out.

In July I put another year between me and 40.

Over the course of the year I vented out of the day-in-the-life-of-me style of writing and actually wrote a few posts in which I voiced an opinion about things going on in the world around me.  I like to say I am an idiot when it comes to politics and I’m not afraid to show it.

In October, I revealed why my summer mostly sucked.

Also in October?  I realized a dream of mine.  I, along with a group of amazing other women bloggers, became contributors at Buy-Her.com. My first review was well received and getting to write with my friend Britt, is well, a dream come true for me.

In November I moved out of the hell hole the girls and I had been living in, into a great new duplex that I am totally in love with and not embarrassed by at all.

From Thanksgiving on, my life seemed to be in full on free fall mode.  While one area of my life was thriving and improving and giving me hope, other areas of my life were falling apart and I was helpless to stop them.

So, today, I woke up in my own bed, (which is rare for me on weekends because we have always spent our weekends at Brian’s house. And now? I get to spend them at my house) in my house.  The start of a new year.  Not a do over, because you can’t undo what has already been done.  But a chance to regroup, and refocus.

And that refocusing and regrouping?  That’s where the resoluting comes in.

In 2011, I want to have more of a presence on line.  I am a self proclaimed attention whore, and well, I am going to write more.  I am going to pick up my camera more, I am going to explore me and the world around me more.

Today I have an overwhelming nesting instinct, to clean up this house, to finally get everything put away, all the pictures hung, and make it a real home, and not just a place we stay during the week.  Because obviously.

I am going to explore me, I am going to figure out where I stand on issues, what I think, voice my own opinions instead of parroting someone else’s, or keeping my mouth shut because I disagree with someone.

I am going to stretch my boundaries, I am going to step outside my comfort zone.  I am going to introduce myself to myself and get to know me a little better.

And I’m going to take all of you along for the ride.