Putting them first, not in the middle

I had an interesting conversation with Bat Mom the other night. I looked at her and told her “Loving him is not easy. But it’s worth it, isn’t it?” She agreed it is not easy, she could not tell me if it was worth it.

“One of the biggest problems I have with you is you allow yourself to be drawn in to these constant Jr high stupid fights with Slug. I expect you to understand that it’s not about you or him, or her, or us. It’s about the girls.”

That stuck with me.

I used to be in a really good place. I used to sit in the peaceful garden of complete indifference. What he said didn’t matter. What he thought didn’t matter. What he did was unimportant. He just didn’t matter at all in my life. I felt nothing for him. Nothing at all. Complete indifference.

Lately, I’ve been reacting to stupid shit. Lately I’ve jumped at every single piece of bait he has dangled in front of me. I’ve felt this need to not only prove myself to be right and better and smarter but to prove him wrong and stupid and insignificant. I have felt the need to run him into the ground and put him down all in an effort to raise myself up.

The fights are stupid, over stupid things. When he calls yelling and screaming and accusing me of things I didn’t do I should remember to just ignore it. At that point there is no reasoning with him. It’s not about being right. It’s about yelling and screaming and threatening me.

Later when I talked to Future Mrs. Slug, I allowed my anger at his rage at me to spill over and again I tried to get the upper hand and the last word. I slipped. I gave in to the anger I still felt at him.

The problem with these stupid fights is, I can never win. No one can. OH He thinks he wins, but really what has he won? He’s yelled and screamed and before it’s all said and done, he’s drug the girls into it as well. And they are the biggest losers in all of this.

Even now, I just deleted two paragraphs because I wanted to rehash the argument here, and have my say, and prove that I was right once again. This isn’t about who was right. This is about setting aside stupid resentments and anger over imagined sins and doing what is right for the girls.

What is right for the girls? In a perfect world they would have their intact family, but they don’t. They can’t. Second best to that? Homes where their parents don’t fight. Homes where their parents understand that their differences are unimportant. Homes where their parents understand that I can’t change him, he can’t change me, so in the best interest of the girls, accept that and let it go.

When was the last time the girls came first? When was the last time either of us considered the girls feelings or needs or well being? I can tell you that I have made some serious changes in my life along those lines. I have worked with my boss and worked out a schedule that allows me to be home with the girls every morning until they get on the bus for school, and to be home within the hour after they get home from school. I don’t work any of the weekends I have them and I am off at least one day during the week to be with them. I will be able to participate in school parties and classroom activities and field trips. I am reaching out and talking to other mothers of other students in their classes and getting to know them as well.

I have spent time this summer making friends with several people in the neighborhood who are keeping an eye on the house and the girls. I have made friends with several people in town who will allow the girls to stay with them on days the girls don’t have school or are let out early.

Yes, we spent a lot of time with Batman at his house towards the end of the summer, but we have other friends too. I have told the girls that on weekends they are here, they can have their best girl friends over for the day and maybe even for sleep overs.

I want them to have normal childhoods. I want them to have friendships that last years. I want them to have happy memories of fun and laughter and a mom who knows what it’s like to be a girl. I want them to know that they matter to me. I want them to know that I have gone out of my way to be here with them as much as I can, while still putting a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. Sure that means they won’t have 3 pair of Nike shoes, or LEI jeans or whatever. Ask them. I’m sure they will tell you that they would rather have days with me than Nikes in their closet (at least for a couple more years.. I hope).

I’ve decided to put my girls first. I’ve decided “Screw him. Let him rant and rage. Let him think I’m a bitch. Let him try and tell me how to raise my girls. Let him threaten to destroy me because I don’t quiver in fear at the sound of his voice. I don’t care. He can call a gazillion times a day. I can ignore him. I won’t allow him to interfere with my time with my girls.

My girls come first. And if I don’t fight with him, they can’t be put in the middle. And that’s the best thing in the world for them.