Let the past be the past

I was prepared to write a long letter to The Future Mrs. Slug.  (Oh Puhleese, don’t act like you’re not here reading this or surprised I know it.) I was prepared to put her in her place and remind her that I am the girls’ mom not her.  I was prepared to totally go off on her and ream her out.  The anger and the poison and the vile and the hatred just boiled over begging to be spilled here.

Until this morning when I realized she’s not worth my time.  I don’t have to stoop to their level.  The divorce has been final for 4 years now.  It’s time to let it go.  I get this concept.  THEY don’t.

Personally I don’t care one whit what they do.  I don’t care about their personal life.  I don’t care about their wedding. I don’t care about their dogs or their horses.  I don’t care about her job or his.  I don’t care if they dance naked in the moonlight every single night as a form of foreplay.  I don’t care if they eat only green food on Wednesdays.

I just don’t care.

What I do care about is the life my girls have when they are there.  I do care about my girls well being.  I do care about what the girls are exposed to and what they do and experience there.  Let me be clear, there is a difference between caring about their day to day experiences and their over all experiences.

I don’t care about their day to day life.  I don’t care if the girls eat chocolate cake for breakfast.  I don’t care if they swim 10 hours a day.  I don’t need to have them check in with me multiple times during the day to answer the “What are you doing?” inquisition.

See, I chose to have children with that man (I use that term lightly) therefore I have to believe that he is on some level a decent father and the girls will not come to any harm while they are with him.  I have to set aside my personal reservations and trust that he can take care of them and that I don’t have to obsessively check in with them every single day.  I have to let go a little and allow them to have their own life with their father, a life I don’t have to be a part of in any way.

That’s not to say I don’t care.  I do care.  I care a lot.  BUt I know that if there is something wrong, if the girls are sick or hurt, I will be informed.  I just don’t need to call a dozen times a day to find out “What are you doing?  Where’s your Dad?”

The truth is, the girls and I are building a life here.  A good life.  We are building a foundation for a better life.  Batman and I together are building a foundation to build our blended family on.  The future we are working for is solid.  Sure, we’re not there yet, but the life we are working towards can not be built in day.

I need to let go of this high school need to continue to fight with Slug.  He’s not going to be the father I think he should be.  He’s not going to parent the girls the way I would parent the girls.  He’s not going to parent the girls the way I think he should.  But he will parent the girls in his own way.

And I need to let him without trying to control the situation.

Just like he needs to let go and allow them to have their life here.  He needs to know that they have a life here he doesn’t have to be a part of every minute of every single day.  He does not need to check in with them a dozen times a day to find out what they are doing or where I am.

He is planning a new life with a new wife.  He needs to let go of ours.  He needs to remember that the divorce granted us both the freedom to live our own lives free from interference and harassment from the other.  He got that.

I’m still waiting.

And maybe I’m naive to believe that I will ever have that.  I know that as long as the girls are minors he will be a part of our life.  I know that as long as the girls are alive we will forever be tied together.  But we have to be able to move on and allow the other to move on as well.

The girls are not spies.  The girls should not be made to report back to him what we are doing or where I am.  The girls should never be made to chose one parent over the other.  They should never be made to feel they have to betray one parent to apease the other.  That’s not right, and it’s not fair, and frankly it’s just cruel.

So, I for one am taking a step up, and backing off.  I don’t care about Slug’s life with The Future Mrs. Slug.  I don’t care what they had for breakfast lunch or dinner.  I don’t need the girls to report back to me anything more than “Hey Mom We’re ok, we’re having fun, we love you and we miss you!”

Maybe someday, Slug won’t need anything more than that either.