The Importance of words

I have a tendency to get hung up on words.  A lot. The need to say them.  The desire to hear them.   I use words a lot.  I use them to hurt, to help, to heal.  I use them to protect and to project.  I use words a lot.

I find that sometimes my feelings overwhelm me and I need to purge them, so I write. I write here, or in my notebook journals.  I write letters and poems.  I leave little notes in Batman’s car for him, or on the bathroom mirror.  I write little notes in the girls’ homework folders.  I sneak notes into their back packs, or write a letter to them in the back of their notebooks for them to find someday in the future.

I write hateful vile evil letters to people who piss me off, and then I promptly delete them or throw them away, or burn them.   But I purge the anger and hate and vile from my system and get on with my life.

I use my words.

Batman and his family?  They don’t use words.  I don’t ever remember a time in the past two years when I heard his parents say I love you.  Well, Mom would say it to Dad after a couple glasses of wine.  Dad had a special nickname for Mom and we all knew when he called her by that name he was saying I love you.  But to hear the actual words “I love you” was a rare occasion.

That doesn’t mean they didn’t feel the emotions.  That does not diminish the feelings they had for each other.  They just had other ways of expressing their love for each other.  Mom spent her life taking care of Dad, the house, the boys, making a warm loving home for them.  Mom spent the past two and a half years taking care of Dad, being nurse, doctor, guardian, keeper, ally, and friend to him.

I’ve never heard her tell Batman I love you either.  But she does.  She tells him by doing his laundry, and having his favorite foods on hand.  She does it by helping him out when he needs it.  He in return helps take care of the farm, the houses, the vehicles, the land. They take care of each other and in the taking care, they tell each other in a language they understand “I love you.”

I’ve spent a long time being hung up on hearing those words from Batman.  I am not afraid to say them to him, I tell him I love you at least once a day.  I used to be afraid of the silence that followed, or worse, the dreaded “I know”.  Now, I hear his I love you’s because I’ve learned to ‘see’ his language.

I’ve learned that when he talks about the kids, he means all 5 kids, and that we’re family.  I’ve learned that when he thinks about next weekend, and starts making plans, we are included in those plans.  I’ve learned that it’s understood I will sleep at his house with him when the kids are with their dads and that’s because he wants it that way.  I’ve learned that he’s already thought about my next ring, and therefore has already thought about and committed himself to a future with me even if he hasn’t voiced those words.

I’ve learned that when he calls to tell me he made it to work, he’s checking to see how my drive is too.  I’ve learned that when he asks me to bring him coffee even if it’s 100 degrees outside, it’s because he wants to see me.  I’ve learned that when he asks me if there is anything I want to do on the weekend he truly wants to know what I really want to do.

I’ve learned that when he reaches for me in his sleep and draws me in and wraps his arms around me and holds me close, he is in his own way saying I love you.

I’ve learned I no longer have to hear the words he won’t say.  I just have to look for the things he does every single day that tell me that he loves me.

Words aren’t all that important after all.