Brain Dump

I was up at 3:00 AM this morning because my head wouldn’t shut up. I’ve got so much running around up there due to I haven’t had time to sit and write all week. So excuse me while I just dump the contents of my brain out here.

• Last Friday after dropping the kids off to spend the week with their dads, I came back to Casa de la Batman, and haven’t been home since. Spending the weekend was expected, Monday night was a bonus and then Tuesday and well, I’m still here. Tonight, after the funeral, I’ll take the kids home to our house. I am not looking forward to that.
• Yesterday was Dad’s visitation. Right before we were to leave, the girls called from Slug’s. They thought they felt an earthquake. While talking to them about that excitement, Batman came up and slipped a diamond tennis bracelet around my wrist. Beautiful. OMG. Don’t get excited, I’m sure I’ll have to give it back today after the funeral, but yesterday, I felt like a princess. Yes, I slept with it too.
• GFTP was at visitation. The first hour was for immediate family only, with an open casket. Then the casket would be closed when visitation was opened to the public. Somehow she ranked family time. I happened to wander into the parlor when she was standing at the casket with mom and Batman. I knew she would be there, I didn’t realize she was immediate family, but whatever. It’s no secret mom wants her for a daughter-in-law. It’s also no secret that will never happen. I sat at the back, being very respectful of them, but when mom saw me in the back, she immediately went to the Aunts and started whispering and pointing at me, and the Aunts turned around and looked at me and whispered back. And while I don’t know what was said, I can only imagine. It really pissed me off.
• Batman did introduce me to GFTP. I was not impressed. She was rude, (and ugly.. WTF did he ever see in her?) She barely acknowledged me, and acted as if I had no right to be there. Guess what? It’s not about what you want/think. After she left, I promptly forgot about her. Sort of.
• EW was there too. And for a minute, I was glad. Finally somone else who loved Batman and his family, and yet, was an outsider. Until her 20 year history with the family kicked in, and she was included. I instantly became invisible.
• Invisible is easy when Mom wishes you didn’t exist. Everyone (Batman excluded) takes their cue from her. I could have gone home at any point, and wouldn’t have been missed much.
• I know that I’m not family, and I stayed out of ‘family’ things, and stayed in the background, and was there for Batman when he needed me. But the constant reminders that I’m not family, and the proverbial slaps in the face yesterday were exhausting. And hurtful.
• Batman knew something was wrong, and I tried to tell him all the while playing it off, making it less than it really was. I tried to play it off as she’s under a lot of stress, and she’s just not herself right now. The last thing he needs is to feel torn between me and his mother.
• There have been times this past week that I have never felt closer to Batman, and times when we might as well have been in two seprate universes. I have never loved him more than I have this week.
• Today is the funeral. More hell and games for me. At least this isn’t going to be about socializing and I’ll actually get to stand beside Batman the entire time. (Unless Mom banishes me to back of the chapel)
• I hate that Dad’s funeral has caused all this drama. There has been major drama between Batman and EW about the kids attending or not attending. I’ve done my level best to stay out of the middle. Not an easy task when your best friend is your boyfriend’s ex wife.

Thank you all for your condolences.  He was well loved, as was apparent by the throngs of people at the funeral home last night.  He will be missed deeply.