Let there be spaces in your togetherness

Last weekend, after the family reunion, Batman had the day off.  No kids, no plans, and a strong desire to not be around when the drunks woke up hung over from the day before.

He loaded up the truck, hooked up the boat, picked me up and we took off to The Lake.

It was just the two of us, on the boat, on the water.  We had Corona, Captain Morgan, water, soda, a radio, a camera, our cells phones with intermittent signal, each other.  And all day with nothing more to do than just enjoy No Plans.

I was worried for a while.  He hasn’t had a day off with no kids since January.  We haven’t spent an entire day together just the two of us, since December.  What if we got out there, and discovered we had nothing to talk about other than the kids?  What if we got out there, in the middle of the Lake, with just each other, and it was awkward? How awful would that be?

What I found out there on that water that day, was the comfort we have with each other.  The ease of knowing we can be together without having to fill every second of every minute with something.  We could be together, and be comfortable with each other, even in the silent moments.

I found that when there is no stress, no kids, no family, no demands, then he can give in to wants.  And he wanted me.  He wants us.  We laid in the sun.  We listened to ball game.  We drank a beer or two.  We fished a while.  But most of all, we just spent the day together.  Reconnecting in a way that made us realize we had drifted apart.  We had taken each other for granted, trusting that we would just be together.  we didn’t realize we had drifted apart.

We had been spending time with each other, but not really connecting.  Side by side, but not together.  That day on the water, everything changed.  He took me home, and told me to go get my stuff.  When I looked at him puzzled, he answered simply, “You’re sleeping at the house with me tonight.”

I’ve been at Casa de la Batman every night this week.  I will pick up my kids today, and tomorrow we will take all 5 kids out to The Lake and spend the day with them there.  We will be a family.

I came home early this morning because I needed to be in my own space again.  I needed time with me again.  He wanted me to stay.  He wants to get together later this afternoon when I get back from getting the kids.  I wanted to come home last night so he could be with his kids without me.  He begged me to stay.  Finally I get it.  I trust enough to be ok with not being there 24-7, I’m ok with needing my own space and giving him his.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fuck I may just be growing up